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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's friend said this during my wedding

315 replies

orangeberry · 08/08/2023 16:47

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 08/08/2023 17:40

JusthereforXmas · 08/08/2023 17:33

Most people have more than one 'groomsman' just as most have more than one 'bridesmaid'.

It seems common in my experience for all groomsmen to be called 'best men' and all bridesmaid to be called 'bridesmaids if you want them equal rather than segregating friends by dedicating one into the 'best' or 'honor' category.

Show quote history

I've never heard of that. Always had a best man and a few ushers at any wedding I've been to. And I assume by singling out these two men as best men there were also either others who were ushers or there no others involved in which case they were definitely not just ushers.

hopeishere · 08/08/2023 17:41

Did he not have any friends he could have had?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/08/2023 17:43

Let it go.

If she's an unpleasant person, she'll only relish in knowing her comment hurt you anyway.

Say nothing. I'd keep Sarah at arms length.

PoseyFlump · 08/08/2023 17:44

It's quite possible Sarah timed her comment for maximum damage. Don't let it work. Your DH has your back, that's all that matters!

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:45

Most people have more than one 'groomsman'

Nope. There's definitely only one best man at least, or they wouldn't be the best man. You can't have more than one best of something.

Anotherchristianmama · 08/08/2023 17:46

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:45

Most people have more than one 'groomsman'

Nope. There's definitely only one best man at least, or they wouldn't be the best man. You can't have more than one best of something.

My brother had two best men

MerryMarigold · 08/08/2023 17:47

It was a bit thoughtless to say, but as my kids are always telling me, "Mum, you have no filter." Maybe Sarah has no filter and she just thought it so she said it. No biggie really. Let it go. I think it was unwise of you to involve the friends and for them to say they were 'horrified'. Sounds like Sarah is going through a bit of a hard time, maybe the wedding triggered her in some way, so good friends would be concerned about her and not slagging her off behind her back (which imo is much worse than the best man comment).

OriginalBliss · 08/08/2023 17:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2023 17:26

I'm really at a loss to understand what you think is offensive. Are you upset that she's opined on something that you think is your DH's decision only and none of her business? Or do you feel there's a suggestion that he has feelings for Vanessa? Or do you have an issue with her saying that a woman should be the best man?

It's arguably not a particularly tactful remark to make at a wedding but presumably she'd had a couple of drinks and this nowhere near merits this level of drama or overthinking.

If you bring it up you will amplify it X10. Just leave it.

This.

Though yes, as pps have said, generally the best man/woman is a close, longtime friend or a particularly close sibling of the groom -- having your father and the bride's brother is pretty unusual, I'd have said.

But this a complete non-event. Restrain your drama llama tendencies. Yes, even at your Own Wedding Reception!

Topseyt123 · 08/08/2023 17:50

I can't see the issue. I don't think such a spurious and ridiculous remark would even have registered with me so I say ignore it.

Why the cringeworthy "reach out" phraseology? It sounds so utterly and unnecessarily dramatic! Surely you just contact someone, or call them?

JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 17:50

YABU with all the reaching out.

DH's friend said this during my wedding
porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:53

My brother had two best men

I'm sure some people might, but it's not what most people do.

Anotherchristianmama · 08/08/2023 17:57

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:53

My brother had two best men

I'm sure some people might, but it's not what most people do.

Right, but you said it couldn't be done not that it was unusual.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2023 17:57

I've literally got no idea why that would upset you so much. So what?

XiCi · 08/08/2023 17:59

They were probably discussing your DH having his dad and your brother as best men as that is very odd then made the throwaway comment that it should have been Vanessa. Makes sense if she is his best mate. Bit of an unusual set up all round. You are definitely overreacting though. I dont see the problem with what she said

Cas112 · 08/08/2023 18:00

I really wouldn't be to bothered about it

WhyOhWine · 08/08/2023 18:01

i am surprised this has upset you so much. It is not lie she said Vanessa should have been in your place! I can sort of see that it might slightly annoy your DH, but you seem to have taken it personally as if it was a criticism of you, i.e that she was implying you were not comfortable with him having a female best "man" or were controlling him by forcing him to have your brother as best man. I am not sure why you have jumped to reading criticism of you into it, unless either there is some truth in it or there has previously been tension between you and them.

I do think it is very unusual to have bride's brother as best man, unless they were friends first. The best man's speech in my experience involves ribbing the groom about his past which does not really work when the best man did not know him before you. I think it is different from bride having groom's sister as bridesmaid as there are often a number of bridesmaids and they don't generally all make speeches abot the bride's past in the same way.
I have been to a few wedding's where the groom's father has made a short speech - it is quite common in some parts of the country and i think it is nice - but not one where he has been a best man or groom's man. So i don't think it surprising that some people think his choices were unusual, but if he is happy with them and made them freely, i don't think he needs to be offended by the odd person commenting that it is more usual to have best friend (or brother) as best man.

cheddercherry · 08/08/2023 18:01

If she was saying it just to her two close friends and not marching up to you and your DH announcing it to the room I wouldn’t really make a deal of it. I’d question why it bothers you so much?

If it’s something your DH and his close friends have spoken about previously and then when it’s come to it, they’ve not been picked then maybe between friends that’s why it’s odd to them? I must say it seems more unusual to pick his father and a member of the your family over long term friends, but that’s his choice and he went with it. If his friends are put out by that choice then they’re entitled to be. Ultimately you and your DH should be focusing on happily starting your lives together and not giving energy over something you can’t change. I think bringing it up will only make it more awkward for your husband and his friends, and your relationship with them particularly.

TregunaMekoides · 08/08/2023 18:03

Honestly? I think it's so sad that you've just got married and this is what you're focussed on.
It was a throwaway comment from a pissed wally at your wedding that you don't even know the context of! Why are you clinging on to it? Was the rest of the day not enough to take your mind off it?

Crikey. Let it go and enjoy being a newly wed.

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 18:03

Right, but you said it couldn't be done not that it was unusual

Because I was replying to a PP who said it was the norm.

And also grammatically it can't be of course. Grin

ThreeRingCircus · 08/08/2023 18:06

It's nothing, just a slightly tactless comment made to her friends. If you do nothing it will be immediately forgotten about, if you say something it will be 1000 times worse and make it into an issue....and you'll look weird and controlling. It does kind of come across like you're paranoid about your husband's female friends.

Just forget about it and enjoy being a newlywed.

Kangarude · 08/08/2023 18:06

JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 17:50

YABU with all the reaching out.

Grin
DrSbaitso · 08/08/2023 18:07

I can't see what good it would do unless you a grovelling apology would make you feel better and you think you'd get one. It wouldn't have bothered me, personally.

Silvers11 · 08/08/2023 18:08

GolgafrinchamB · 08/08/2023 16:49

Let it go. Nothing can be gained by talking to her. You’ll just stir up drama.

Who cares what she thinks? Your DH chose your brother and he did a good job.

This!

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 18:12

What aload of drama over nothing

Echobelly · 08/08/2023 18:14

Leave it - Sarah being miserable that evening seems more of an issue than what she said about Vanessa being best man, I really wouldn't dwell on it or make more of it than you need to. For all you know she was just having a bad day and not in the mood for a wedding - move on.

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