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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's friend said this during my wedding

315 replies

orangeberry · 08/08/2023 16:47

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

OP posts:
TakenRoot · 08/08/2023 17:26

And as for your DH ‘reaching out’ to the others about an overheard comment…are you sure the two of you are old enough to get married?

And shouldn’t you be on honeymoon with much better things to do than hash over pathetic drama??

BalletBob · 08/08/2023 17:26

Why are you stewing over this when you should be in a bubble of excitement and pure happiness following your wedding? Is there some huge backstory or rivalry between you and his female friends?

YABU. She is entitled to her opinion and is entitled to share it with her close friends. Maybe she thought it was hurtful for your brother to be selected to represent the groom over and above his friends who have presumably been there through thick and thin for many years. I'm not saying she's right or wrong about that, only that it's another opinion just as valid as your opinion that your brother was the obvious choice.

The only "crime" is that she blurted it out at the wrong moment and you overheard. Not really a massive issue.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2023 17:26

I'm really at a loss to understand what you think is offensive. Are you upset that she's opined on something that you think is your DH's decision only and none of her business? Or do you feel there's a suggestion that he has feelings for Vanessa? Or do you have an issue with her saying that a woman should be the best man?

It's arguably not a particularly tactful remark to make at a wedding but presumably she'd had a couple of drinks and this nowhere near merits this level of drama or overthinking.

If you bring it up you will amplify it X10. Just leave it.

FloweryName · 08/08/2023 17:27

Sarah had a valid opinion in thinking that a best man should be a friend or relative of the grooms rather than the brides, even if that person is a woman. Her only mistake was saying it within your earshot, but we’ve probably all said something we shouldn’t have done at an inappropriate time at some point. She didn’t deliberately say it to you or anyone else to upset you. She just expressed an opinion to her own close friend.

CClaire · 08/08/2023 17:27

I don’t think you’ll care either way in a year’s time. I say rein in the drama llama.

Sceptre86 · 08/08/2023 17:28

Maybe she thought Vanessa should have been best man because she's closer to your dh, has known him longer, would have delivered a better, funnier speech etc. Who knows? You are tainting your memories of your own wedding by focusing on this. Stop. Who cares if she was being a miserable sod? Your dh can talk to her about why she was being miserable more so than a throwaway comment she made should he want to. I don't think it's for you to interfere. Instead focus on the fact that you had a lovely wedding

JusthereforXmas · 08/08/2023 17:28

Its such a non event, if that was the worst thing at your wedding think yourself hella lucky.

Also people are entitled to their feelings, My DH is a group of 4 best friends. They have been best friends from nursery, all talk EVERYDAY, live within walking distance of each other and share the same hobbies. When we got married he had all 3 as his best men. As did the first to marry in the group.

When the last of them then got married he had the other two from the group and a new friend that just moved to the area and a work college as his best men.

Frankly I think it was pretty shitty of him to single out one in a group of 3. I know its not 'tit for tat' and DH didn't have to be his best man but its the fact he was the only one of the best friend group left out.

If he only picked one, or none or it was one and a family member or something fair enough but to pick 2 out of 3 + 2 random others it seem's a blatant 'leaving one person out'.

I'm entitled to feel that they where rude all I want because it is rude and sends a clear message. If they somehow overheard me say that to MY friend because they are eavesdropping, and the truth upset them, that would be entirely on them to deal with their feelings but I'm still allowed mine.

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:29

The best man is traditionally a friend of the groom, not a relative of the bride, unless they go way back maybe.

DappledThings · 08/08/2023 17:29

You're being ridiculous and creating a load of unnecessary drama. The friends who are claiming to be "horrified" are prolonging the unnecessary drama.

There is nothing to talk about, it was a total non-event that deserves zero headspace.

And it is very unusual for there to be 2 best men to start with let alone for those to be his own father and your brother. Unless your brother is an old friend and you.met through him or something. If Vanessa is his oldest friend it would make more sense for her to be best woman. Unconventional too but less unconventional than choosing his own dad.

Neverseenbefore · 08/08/2023 17:30

I can’t see where the offence is? She hasn’t said anything wrong for anyone to be horrified or upset about. It’s not unheard of for a “best man” role to go to a female friend.

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 17:31

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 16:58

It’s only on Mumsnet that I’ve come across people who find it so alien to get along with your partners siblings. My sister in law is one of my best friends, and my ex-sister in law too! They were both bridesmaids (I didn’t have a MOH but it would have been one of them.) Totally normal in the real world.

Show quote history

I don’t think anyone thinks you can’t get along with your partner’s siblings but it’s fairly unlikely that your partner’s sibling is the closest friend in your life!

Kangarude · 08/08/2023 17:32

I can't believe you are stewing over this off the cuff remark. It's nothing!

ZoeCM · 08/08/2023 17:32

Complete overreaction, OP. And Sarah & Jessica are total drama queens if they're "horrified" by that comment (although I wonder if you're exaggerating that part). Chill.

KrisAkabusi · 08/08/2023 17:33

Mountain out of a molehill.

JusthereforXmas · 08/08/2023 17:33

DappledThings · 08/08/2023 17:29

You're being ridiculous and creating a load of unnecessary drama. The friends who are claiming to be "horrified" are prolonging the unnecessary drama.

There is nothing to talk about, it was a total non-event that deserves zero headspace.

And it is very unusual for there to be 2 best men to start with let alone for those to be his own father and your brother. Unless your brother is an old friend and you.met through him or something. If Vanessa is his oldest friend it would make more sense for her to be best woman. Unconventional too but less unconventional than choosing his own dad.

Most people have more than one 'groomsman' just as most have more than one 'bridesmaid'.

It seems common in my experience for all groomsmen to be called 'best men' and all bridesmaid to be called 'bridesmaids if you want them equal rather than segregating friends by dedicating one into the 'best' or 'honor' category.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2023 17:33

Jesus Christ, let it go. It just doesn't matter.

oakleaffy · 08/08/2023 17:35

How can a woman be best man?
that’s just silly.

Leave it, OP they sound ridiculous.

whatausername · 08/08/2023 17:35

This is the biggest takeaway from your wedding? Wow. What a crap, dull, loveless wedding it must have been.

PoseyFlump · 08/08/2023 17:36

@orangeberry I've just read this comment on another thread and thought you might like it:

Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody has one but it is generally accepted that it is rude to shove them in other people's faces.

She's an arsehole. Don't bite Flowers

crostini · 08/08/2023 17:36

Don't taint the memory, with some irrelevant, probably drunk comment.

I don't think you should have even mentioned it to your husband. There's drama now that needn't have happened

WhateverMate · 08/08/2023 17:37

What's with all the 'reaching out'?

Do you two never just speak to people?

Anyway YABU. Ridiculous thing to get the arse about.

Pipsquiggle · 08/08/2023 17:37

It really, really doesn't matter.

Genuinely, so what?

Something could be going on with Sarah, particularly if she was a mood hoover all day. Maybe she hates wedding and finds it all a bit much.............. whatever, do not make a big deal of this. If you do, you are being a drama llama

Oohmissus · 08/08/2023 17:39

BusinessClass · 08/08/2023 17:04

All this reaching out gives me the rage 😂

Same here.

SummaLuvin · 08/08/2023 17:40

JusthereforXmas · 08/08/2023 17:33

Most people have more than one 'groomsman' just as most have more than one 'bridesmaid'.

It seems common in my experience for all groomsmen to be called 'best men' and all bridesmaid to be called 'bridesmaids if you want them equal rather than segregating friends by dedicating one into the 'best' or 'honor' category.

Show quote history

in my experience when not wanting to single out one groomsman as 'best man' they are referred to as groomsman or ushers, not all as best men. But as there is normally a best mans speech it's very unusual to not have one individual labeled as this.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/08/2023 17:40

Only one was OP's relative. The other was her dh's father.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

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