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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's friend said this during my wedding

315 replies

orangeberry · 08/08/2023 16:47

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/08/2023 16:55

Why was your brother his best man? Weird.

Why are you stirring drama over a very minor comment?

RoseBucket · 08/08/2023 16:56

I think you need to be a little more resilient, people make comments and you don’t need to agree, think no more of it. It sounds like your husband and brother have a great bond and the day otherwise went well. Just brush it off. She might even be embarrassed about it in hindsight.

gannett · 08/08/2023 16:57

"Reaching out" to stir up trouble would be worse behaviour than Sarah's crass but offhand remark. By her own friends' account she wasn't at her best - there could be any number of reasons for that, you don't know what else is going on in her life. It sounds like they pulled her up on the comment anyway.

If she shows a pattern of shady comments then by all means pull back from her as a friend but you truly never, ever need to go stirring up shit in retrospect.

AgnesX · 08/08/2023 16:57

What do you hope to achieve.

If Vanessa is so lacking in awareness it'll roll off her back. Or alternatively it'll cause an almighty rumpus and you'll end up being the bad guy.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 16:57

Not for you to say anything. If anyone does, it should be your DH. Honestly, the best thing to do is to live happily ever after and see less and less of that one.

MiddleParking · 08/08/2023 16:57

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/08/2023 16:55

Why was your brother his best man? Weird.

Why are you stirring drama over a very minor comment?

Wedding attention prolongation, at a guess.

Nagado · 08/08/2023 16:57

I wouldn’t contact her. What will it possibly achieve? It’s your DH’s friend and she was having a pop at your DH’s choices. Unless he asks you to step in and help him, it’s up to him to decide how he wants to respond to his friend.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/08/2023 16:57

I don't think the comment itself was particularly offensive.

SummaLuvin · 08/08/2023 16:58

The best man slot is normally for the grooms best friend, in this case it might well be Vanessa. He seems to have instead picked the closest male figures in his life, but really they are more wedding party/ushers than 'his people' which best man should be. I have been to 2 weddings with year with women best mans.

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 16:58

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/08/2023 16:55

Why was your brother his best man? Weird.

Why are you stirring drama over a very minor comment?

It’s only on Mumsnet that I’ve come across people who find it so alien to get along with your partners siblings. My sister in law is one of my best friends, and my ex-sister in law too! They were both bridesmaids (I didn’t have a MOH but it would have been one of them.) Totally normal in the real world.

Ijustdontcare · 08/08/2023 16:59

Let me guess, He originally wanted one of his three friends to be his "best man" and you veto/moaned about it (had a tantrum) and that's why he picked your brother, and now you are still trying to shit stir.

Nevermay · 08/08/2023 16:59

non event, forget it

BarbaraV · 08/08/2023 17:00

People can think what they like, it's none of your business.

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 17:00

@SummaLuvin or maybe the Groom feels OP’s brother is one of his best friends.

NeverMrsAgain · 08/08/2023 17:00

Moveoverdarlin · 08/08/2023 16:52

I don’t think what she said is that bad. You have to admit that it’s a bit unconventional for a groom to have his own Father and the Bride’s brother as his best man? Would you be as put out if a male friend of his had said ‘Steve should have been the best man anyway?’ It’s just her opinion and it’s not rude or offensive in the slightest.

This.

CornishGem1975 · 08/08/2023 17:00

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 08/08/2023 16:54

I wouldn’t have given the comment a second thought. I’m assuming you don’t like Sarah much.

Same. What's the big drama?

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 17:01

Moveoverdarlin · 08/08/2023 16:52

I don’t think what she said is that bad. You have to admit that it’s a bit unconventional for a groom to have his own Father and the Bride’s brother as his best man? Would you be as put out if a male friend of his had said ‘Steve should have been the best man anyway?’ It’s just her opinion and it’s not rude or offensive in the slightest.

This!

YourNameGoesHere · 08/08/2023 17:02

Ijustdontcare · 08/08/2023 16:59

Let me guess, He originally wanted one of his three friends to be his "best man" and you veto/moaned about it (had a tantrum) and that's why he picked your brother, and now you are still trying to shit stir.

I strongly suspect that's the case. It's really odd to have your brother and dad and his dad as best men when he has friends who could have done the role. My husband had a best women as she's his closest friend, I wouldn't say anything to her about the comment which was a pretty reasonable comment to make by the sounds of it.

10HailMarys · 08/08/2023 17:02

This is a non-issue. Nobody needs to ‘reach out’ to anyone. Just forget and move on.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 17:03

No, you're over thinking
Do you want to know the thought and feeling of everyone at your wedding? It's a shame it's had to come to this already, wit DH having to reach out to slee t individuals rather than you all just ignoring her or him having a conversation with his mate Sarah.

Perhaps in her imaginery wedding to your DH she had Jessica as BMan and the other one as MOH and now he's ruined it for her.

SummaLuvin · 08/08/2023 17:03

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 17:00

@SummaLuvin or maybe the Groom feels OP’s brother is one of his best friends.

That could well be the case, and I might think that if he was the lone best man. But I'm not so inclined to believe that as he also had both fathers as best men, and level pegging of all 3 feels like he choose them out of duty and didn't want to prioritise one which would have been easy if the brother was his bestie. I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship but on the surface level information we have its what I think.

BusinessClass · 08/08/2023 17:04

All this reaching out gives me the rage 😂

NewLifter · 08/08/2023 17:04

This is all very odd. So presumably all DHs friends are female and that's why he had his dad and your brother as best men? Why did he need 2?

Sarah was pointing out that actually a female friend could have fulfilled the role?

I've no idea why it has upset you so much, it's an odd thing to focus on after your wedding.

VeridicalVagabond · 08/08/2023 17:04

I can't imagine why you're so upset about this, it's a complete non event unless there's some huge drip feed backstory we're about to get?

Incidentally I overheard someone saying "Nigel should have been the best man" at my wedding. Nigel was our dog. I actually agree with them, I'm fairly certain my husband would've chucked all his mates off a pier in favour of Nigel. Not actually relevant, but your post reminded me of it and made me smile.

Winterday1991 · 08/08/2023 17:05

Didn't your DH have any male friends to be his best men? Very odd