DH's friend said this during my wedding

[orangeberry]

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

TBF if a comment like that (said in a private conversation) could ruin the wedding, then it wasn't a very good wedding.

I couldn't have given a shiny shit what people were saying at my wedding or about my wedding. I was too busy have fun with my "new groom", my family and my friends. I know for a fact that it wouldn't have been to everyone's taste and people possibly thought I should have done things differently, had different people doing different things etc...but I honestly don't care. If I had heard a comment I probably would have told them to quit whinging and have fun.

Also what a weird leap to assume that Sarah fancies the H.

The phrase 'new bride' is a well used one It's a thing, it's not something pp made up to echo 'new mum'?
(You can check if you dont believe me. In fact I recommend you do.)

Getting married is a stressful time, whatever @BlastedIce thinks, and it takes many people a bit of time to settle down into routine life again. It's also a special time in someone's life and so it's traditional not to behave in a way that might upset the bride (and groom) on their day.

That said I think OP is worrying too much now
about Sarah's remark. I understand why she's upset, but I don't think she should contact her about it. She should let it go now in my opinion.

I think the OP is wrong - both making too much of it and it’s weird to have your bride’s brother instead of your best friend.

However, using fake names and saying you’ve changed the names is totally normal. Everyone would of course assume the names were fake anyway, but there’s no harm in saying you’ve changed the names.

Unless you think now that knowing the name could be anything at all except Vanessa is too big a clue?

I don’t think it’s weird to choose family as best men. Certainly no weirder than choosing a female best friend anyway, which would also be a slightly unusual choice.

And if Sarah has a problem with it then the person she should speak to is your DH. And she’d have had plenty of time to whinge about it to their mutual friends before the wedding. There wasn’t any obvious need to discuss it at the wedding!

I understand what you're saying, but 'new bride' was used to describe a status change. It's not really that anymore as (generally) women's lives don't change post marriage anymore. It's not like the woman is going through a big change with new things to learn and get used to. She (usually) hasn't just left her family home for the first time, learned what happens on the wedding night, has a new set of expectation etc on her, must suddenly be responsible for domestic work etc.
Nowadays, nothing changes. So technically yes she is still a 'new bride', that category doesn't carry the same stress and expectations as it previously did.

I do agree that a wedding can be stressful, but usually that's in the build up. Post wedding should be just happiness. The pride of a job well done and the feeling of love and wedded bliss. If you're stressed straight after the wedding I'd be worried that something was wrong.

Non event stop causing trouble and have the decency to move and and keep quiet.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea
The wedding day itself is more elaborate than ever though. And most people aren't practised at organising large events. I think it's quite normal for newlyweds to hope everything went ok afterwards and to replay events in their minds (maybe most especially because it's not the first time they sleep or live together, usually, so not so focused on that side of things).

I know after my wedding I was a bit upset because I had overheard the choir ( friends of my dad) cross and complaining that I had arrived late at the church and so had delayed their journey to a later event on the same day. ( I wasn't very late and wasn't aware of the other event. Still justifying myself!) Anyway, I was quite upset by it I remember. I was also concerned about someone not having turned up. I had so wanted everyone to be happy and enjoy the day and to aporove of how we'd organised things (bit unrealistic I know, but it was an emotional time). I was also very happy btw, but there were definitely a few things I worried about too. I don't think it's that unusual.

Whatever I think is what I think, people are allowed different opinions?

You don’t seem to understand that.

I have been a bride, but I wasn’t a bridezilla!

No excuse for the “new bride” to still be going on about it and reaching out to say she was upset, unless of course she wants to stop the friendship between her “new groom” and his friends.

Not one mention of what he thinks about this, they’re his friends after all.

Could you imagine the uproar if he contacted his wife’s best friends to tell them off for upsetting him over a trivial comment?

He would be called over bearing, controlling and rude, justifiably so.

When does the “new bride” is allowed to act differently end? The first anniversary?

Yes, I agree it's best not to do anything @BlastedIce. I don't think it's'very strange to be uoset by it, that's all. But much better to leave it now.

And I do think is extremely strange and very controlling to want to “reach out”, which is essentially tell them off.

I think it’s strange to be concerned about a single comment and extremely precious.

So we will have to agree to disagree.

Although the vote is 93% that OP is BU, which is quite telling.

Yes, most people agree it's best to let it go now.

Why use fake names then tell everyone you are on here they’re fake

Well you can't use real names because it's revealing.

If you use fake names but don't say they're fake, people say 'oh, you've used names, are they fake?'

If you replace names with letters, people say 'oh it's very confusing all this A, B, C nonsense, why can't you just use fake names?'

Ditto if you use something like 'best friend' or 'groom's best friend'. That just gets confusing, apparently.

So fake names seems like a good option. Until someone starts querying that one as well.

Well, I'm going to say it, DH should have married Sarah. Or possibly Jessica. And had Vanessa as best (wo)man either way.

😂😂

It’s strange he chose your family members as best men instead of his actual friends. Did you influence the decision?

but 'new bride' was used to describe a status change

I used the term new bride and it was not used for this reason at all. It was used as a way to indicate that the OP should be happy right now, after just getting married. NOT that I see her as some sort of handmaiden or a physical change/status in her life.

MN is full of people wanting to piss on other people's chips.

And I really don't believe pps saying they wouldn't be upset. So easy to say when it's not you. OP has every right to be upset but should leave it alone for her own sanity.

I would say just let it go and congrats I hope you had a wonderful day and many more years together 😘

Is it customary to have 'best men' rather than just the one?

In any event, you weren't supposed to hear the comment, you just did as you came over. I don't expect it was intended for your ears.

I think you should let it go and not make a thing out of it because it has all the hallmarks of blowing up into a ridiculous drama.

OP - you say your husband “never considered” asking one of his female friends. Do you know why? Is he just a traditionalist? Or did he perhaps think you might not like it? It’s quite telling that you refer to “welcoming them with open arms” at your wedding as if this was a big effort on your part, rather than just what you might expect a bride (and groom) to do with people they’ve invited to their wedding.

Or is it perhaps that he didn’t want to upset them by picking one over the other, so picked none of them? Maybe Sarah didn’t get this and saw it as a snub to all three - particularly as he chose two men. Personally I think he’d have been better off just picking his dad; that would have come across as an “awwh” moment. This weird combo seems like a desperate attempt to cobble together the overall effect of a close best man; a bit like that crap boyband they put together on The Big Reunion out of Adam Rickitt and leftover bits of Another Level and Blazing Squad.

In any case, if your husband chose the best men without any outside input, it’s his decision Sarah was criticising, so if anyone says anything to her, it should be him. No good ever came of meddling in a partner’s friendship.

I don’t think it’s the best way to start off married life by complaining about something trivial. Put it behind you, count your blessings and enjoy the next phase of your life.

Good grief, no.

You'll create a lifelong grievance. You really must learn to let things like this go.

If it helps, wrote your feelings on a bit of paper then burn it.

It's not a crime to express an opinion. People say tactless things. Don't carry it all on your back.

For the sake of your relationship with DHs friends, don't stoke up a feud.

I meant historically. The term was used historically to mean status change.

Sounds like your just digging for an argument with Dh’s female friends to me; a petty throwaway comment that you only heard part of the conversation; surely you’ve got bigger & better things to do now your a married woman ? Leave the playground crap in the past & rise above it.

You’re obviously upset or you wouldn’t have posted here, so not minimising your feelings, but it would be best to just let some time pass, remember the good things about your wedding and enjoy being a new wife. With time you’ll see this throwaway comment as nothing to even bother about at all.

He didn’t, he had the posters brother and his dad