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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's friend said this during my wedding

315 replies

orangeberry · 08/08/2023 16:47

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

OP posts:
AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 08/08/2023 22:14

First OP meaning - original post
Second OP meaning - original poster

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 22:19

This is a non issue, you’re making a drama over nothing.

BlastedIce · 08/08/2023 22:26

Grandomens · 08/08/2023 22:13

Maybe, but all that has nothing much to do with the fact that you've extrapolated an awful lot from a pp's use of 'new bride', which was my point.

Show quote history

But the new bride thing was utter nonsense, she’s not vulnerable because she’s a new bridezilla! She’s still a drama queen of the highest order! She can’t dictate her guests thoughts or conversations and can’t reach out after the event.

familyissues12345 · 08/08/2023 22:27

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/08/2023 16:55

Why was your brother his best man? Weird.

Why are you stirring drama over a very minor comment?

My uncle (mums brother) was my dads best man. My mum and dad met due to my uncle and my dads friendship at school! I don't think it's that unusual

saraclara · 08/08/2023 22:27

FFS

She didn't seem to be implying that your brother wasn't worthy. She probably just didn't understand why your DH didn't choose his friend. Maybe she's a traditionalist (to a point), maybe as a pp suggested, she was annoyed by the nod to the patriarchy. Who knows? But I don't see how you assume that somehow she was insulting your brother.

But in addition to that, especially as your friends said she ruined their night, she was probably drunk. It seems mad to be so focused on this small part of what was presumably a lovely day. Why do this to yourself?

Pablothepalm · 08/08/2023 22:30

Babdoc · 08/08/2023 16:50

I would leave well alone. And slowly ease away from Sarah as a friend.
I also wonder if her sour grapes and misery at the wedding were because she wanted to be either the bride or possibly the best “man” herself!

That! ☝️

i voted YABU for wanting to reach out.
It’s a mean comment made by a small-minded, miserable cow.

do not give her the satisfaction of letting her know she hurt you. Phase her out of your and DH’s life.

oh: Congratulations on your wedding!! 💕🥳

Grandomens · 08/08/2023 23:02

But the new bride thing was utter nonsense
**
It's not utter nonsense. Getting married is known to be stressful.

BlastedIce · 08/08/2023 23:20

Grandomens · 08/08/2023 23:02

But the new bride thing was utter nonsense
**
It's not utter nonsense. Getting married is known to be stressful.

So what? That means you can govern what your guests discuss??
Really?

Grandomens · 09/08/2023 00:52

I never said that or anything like it @BlastedIce

Just wondered why you thought it was okay to ridicule someone for using the phrase 'new bride'? I think you over-reacted to pp's comment, (much like OP did to her DH's friend's remark).

MiddleParking · 09/08/2023 07:08

‘New bride’ is ridiculous because it seems to attempt to echo the phrase ‘new mum’. The latter having actual practical connotations for which allowances should (perhaps) be made, and the former not being in any way a thing.

dudsville · 09/08/2023 07:12

For you this was your wedding, hope you had a nice time. This is a throw away comment. For her this was a wedding she attended. Don't confuse her story with yours.

BlastedIce · 09/08/2023 07:16

Grandomens · 09/08/2023 00:52

I never said that or anything like it @BlastedIce

Just wondered why you thought it was okay to ridicule someone for using the phrase 'new bride'? I think you over-reacted to pp's comment, (much like OP did to her DH's friend's remark).

It’s a ridiculous phrase no one is a “new bride” they’re a bride! When are you ever an “old bride”?

Good lord, can you not see that it’s using a term to try and garner sone kind of empathy for a situation that doesn’t exist?

MaggieFS · 09/08/2023 07:21

She was rude, but if she's so inclined then letting her know you're hurt won't achieve anything.

I think it's very telling that the other two friends agree she was out of order. If you are seeking some sort of validation for your feelings, the you have it from their response.

I hope you had a fabulous wedding with plenty of wonderful things to remember. Please think about those and don't simmer over one negative.

charabang · 09/08/2023 07:40

OP, lots of guests will have had an opinion on every aspect of your wedding. This opinion on a non traditional choice got back to you; lots of opinions went unheard.
Don't sweat it otherwise you'll marr your memories of what will hopefully be one of the happiest days of your life. Congratulations too btw!

PoseyFlump · 09/08/2023 07:52

@Grandomens that's exactly what I meant, thank you. @BlastedIce are you on glue? What a very bizarre late night rant.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 09/08/2023 07:52

Well tbh it's weird he chose 2 members of YOUR family to dot he job. Maybe your husband's friend thinks you were a bit controlling? In any case there is nothing you need to do about it, it was just a comment and she is entitled to her opinion.

Inkpotlover · 09/08/2023 07:55

Loads of remarks will have been made behind your back at your wedding. Like it or not, people can be judgemental! Someone won't have liked your dress. Others will have turned their noses up at the food. Thought your first dance song was naff. And someone definitely made an aside that they thought they deserved to be 'best woman'. The point is, so what? There's a saying that what people think of you is none of your business. If you let this one off-the-cuff sour your memory of your big day then you are being ridiculous. Let it go.

Krickley · 09/08/2023 07:56

Well if she is his best friend then perhaps she should have been best man? That aside, just let it go, its not worth falling out for

AnImaginaryCat · 09/08/2023 07:57

Well!! This is seriously not acceptable behaviour. I wouldn't bother reaching out to that wagon Sarah. I suggest just going straight for the kill.

I mean, it should be easy. Your husband (or shall we call him your new groom?) has all ready done a reconnaissance and it seems Vanessa and Jessica will be on board. Either of them a sharp shooter?

I do suggest before you go through with it that you do some research and find out if someone didn't like the cake or the flowers. Might as well do a job lot.

Or alternatively, you could realise you've already made too much of it and just let it go. This doesn't mean you're benefiting Sarah by the way, dropping it will benefit you more.

QueenCamilla · 09/08/2023 08:09

Yep, your husband should "reach out" and apologise about ignoring his best friends on his wedding day. Sarah clearly thinks it was a cuntish thing to do and I agree.
A gold star to you for "welcoming them with open arms". Whoda' thought it was even a possibility to be so warm and welcoming... 🙄

QueenCamilla · 09/08/2023 08:13

I have suspected for a while that I have nothing in common with "The Wedding" people. OP's thread just cements it.

I'll start asking about people's weddings as a way of sifting chuff from seed.

Wavessea · 09/08/2023 08:20

Why use fake names then tell everyone you are on here they’re fake

Guiltridden12345 · 09/08/2023 08:33

Yeah this is nothing op, stop over analysing and have a wonderful marriage!

Threenow · 09/08/2023 08:39

It's a non-event, just forget about it.

frumpalertt · 09/08/2023 08:50

God, so much madness and paranoia in this. Mumsnet is really NOT a normal place is it?

Fwiw, weddings are just weird events, people say and do strange things around the ritual of it all, and without knowing the people a ton better it is pretty much impossible to determine why Sarah might have said that.

I do think is is healthy and positive if there is a place to recognise platonic friendships in weddings - and chosen family. It's nice when that can happen, and something a lot of heterosexual culture misses out on. I would normally expect the best man not to be from the bride's family, but hey, if they are truly best mates there's nothing wrong with it.