DH's friend said this during my wedding

[orangeberry]

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

Congratulations. Let it go, it doesn't matter.

Clarifying it doesn't change the fact that it is a non event and you should just let it go.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

It may not have been the wisest thing to say.

But don't waste too much time on it. It would seem these three are still going to be in your life!

I'd have thought it was hilarious but then I have an odd sense of humour and I'm of an age where I find it much less hassle to laugh at human foibles than get wound up by them. Let it go OP. It will only ruin your day if you let it.

@orangeberry - the clarification still does not dissuade us that this is such a non-event.

Channel Elsa - LET IT GO, LET IT GO................................

Agree

Of course she should have kept her opinions to herself, but show me one wedding where someone hasn't said something out of turn?

And of course it's not a slight against your brother - doesn't sound like Sarah even really knows him. It's about her.

But I still can't see why you're stewing over this and letting it spoil your wedding. Is it really worth it?
Is Sarah that important to you that she needs to have this much power over one of the biggest days of your life?

The level of attention and thought you're giving this is madness.

nasty comments on here OP. It is more common in my family to choose family members over friends for wedding party roles. Of course family is forever to me and I’m not NC with any family despite some woes over the years. Don’t say anything to Sarah. bit bitchy to me….you do not tell people what they “should “ have done with their wedding while at their wedding. Do plan a comment IF Sarah brings it up again ….DH disagrees Sarah he selected DBIL and DF and we were so touched by BIL speech. Have it rehearsed and fluid but clearly the final comment. Reach out is a common USA business term and next time I am definetly going to say….are you one of the tops? Or break out in song.

Ostensibly yes it is a bit odd to choose the Bride's brother as Best 'Man' over a long-time friend that pre-dates the relationship, no matter the gender of the friend, so honestly I can see why she made the comment.

In earshot of you, well maybe she didn't realise you were there. Or maybe she's offended enough to not care if you heard.

YABU for giving it this much head space though, assuming you, your DH and your brother were all happy with the choices made.

You've asked for people's opinions and you've got them. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, but if you now raise it with Sarah you have had fair warning that you'll look like a dickhead.

Not really clarifying - you've already said all that, and, currently at 8 pages in 93% of us are telling you YABU.
No point whatsoever in creating a drama where there is none.

It is hardly an outlandish opinion that it is more normal for grooms to choose their long standing friends to support them on the day. Not offensive at all - just one person's opinion which doesn't matter at all whether you agree or don't agree with it. She didn't say anything derogatory about your brother. Your dh chose who he wanted I presume and you all had a nice day. Why would you want to turn this into some sort of drama ?

But it’s not the grooms brother..

I think it's all a bit of a storm in a teacup. It's usual for the best man to be a close friend (or brother) of the groom. If Vanessa is his BF then maybe others were expecting it to be her. It's a bit unusual to choose a female but more common now.
You don't say how close your OH to your brother. Closer than Vanessa? Does he have any close male friends?
I don't think it's odd that she said it at your wedding. I can easily imagine it eh as the BestMan finished his speech etc.
Tbh I wouldn't give it much headrace and I certainly wouldnt be 'reaching out' to anyone. What does that even involve? A telling off?

Now if she said Vanessa should have been the bride, then yes, that's something to get worked up over....but I'm kinda meh!

@orangeberry Is your DH bothered by it at all? She is his friend and your brother was his choice over the other friend. The comment was about his choice. Not really anything about you or the wedding at all.

It felt like a slight towards my brother
It wasn't. Nobody said he was a crap best man or anything. She just pointed out best man is usually the groom's oldest friend. Which your brother isn't. How is that a slight against him?
he is the most gentle, kind soul and would never say a bad word to anyone.
He sounds lovely. Nobody said a bad word about him either though so that's moot.

Then you're not reading hard enough. I agree with the OP

I think Sarah timed the comment to hurt and ruin the evening. Her friends said as much. Wouldn't be surprised if Sarah wants to be more than just friends with the DH.

Weird to have your BIL and your own dad as your best men. Others would be thinking that as well. Most men have their friends hence "best man" and not "best dad" or "best in-law".

Is your brother your DH's best friend? If not, it's quite odd that your DH chose him over one of his 3 female best friends. I can see why Sarah would have said Vanessa should have been best man in this instance.

Just drop it. You don’t have to be best mates with her but why stir up drama. Your wedding is meant to be the best day and this is a tiny detail.

She didn't have her own dad 🙄

No, but the groom did. "Weird to have your BIL and your own dad as your best men" which is accurately what the groom had. And it is weird.

That not what @Canisaysomething said.

What do you want to gain from “reaching out”? Other than starting drama?

I think Sarah timed the comment to hurt and ruin the evening. Her friends said as much. Wouldn't be surprised if Sarah wants to be more than just friends with the DH.

Wow, Some people like to take a snippet of what has been said and just run wild with their imagination.