Page 36 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 09/08/2023 20:13

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 20:02

The bottom line is that OP's parents organized this day because they want an outing with their grandchildren. It is rude to try to change a host's plans.

The step-children have their own set of grandparents/maternal family members. OP's parents are not obliged to dilute their one day out with the grandkids by including ill-behaved other children they barely know.

The OP's stepchildren have a mother and a father. The father is shirking his duty to them, but that is not a problem for the OP's parents, who are the hosts, to address.

Exactly.

Vevevoom · 09/08/2023 20:13

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 20:04

It would be completely and utterly unreasonable of you to refuse contact between your child and their father because his wife sometimes went out without them. He could quite rightly take you to court.

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This is not about me.

I do not deny access to my child. I have a built a decent relationship.

The children’s feelings should be taken into account. Imagine how they will be feeling on the day of the excursion.

It is not acceptable to exclude the children

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:14

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:09

So people are just going round treating their step kids like shit cos they're not their own children? Ok, got it.

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Sadly there is a small but very vocal minority on here who truly despise their stepchildren and take pride in declaring that they absolutely do not like, love or care for them at all.

It's heartbreaking imagining the children who are at the sharp end of this.

Fortunately the majority of step parents seem to be decent people who are able to empathise with children who, unlike the adults, have no choice about the situation they are in, and to treat them kindly and fairly, even if they don't deep down love them in the same way as their own children.

Alinino124 · 09/08/2023 20:15

100% agree can you even imagine how those poor kids are going to feel.
You are thinking of yourself, being selfish.

BungleandGeorge · 09/08/2023 20:16

The children are your child’s siblings though? When was it planned when they would be at yours in the holiday?

2 hours away is no distance don’t quite see why thats a reason you don’t see your family often, if you’d say they were flying in from Australia it might be different!

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 20:16

@Vevevoom but that's literally what you said you would do...

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:17

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 20:12

Not taking them on one day out when their father could take them out is not treating them like shit.

I took my DS out today. DH took the two younger kids out. Nobody treated like shit. Everyone having a good day without having to consider different age siblings for the day.

Exactly what the OPs husband could do rather than being a lazy twat and causing drama, but is choosing not to.

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The four children involved here are 11, 9, 8 and 5. It's hardly a huge age gap. And there is no suggestion at all that there wouldn't be appropriate stuff for them all to do at the theme park. You and your husband are a nuclear family (I assume from what you've written), both parents to all three of your children, and all of you live together full time. It's not a comparable situation at all.

Onesipmore · 09/08/2023 20:17

Perhaps all go. But, on arrival you go with your DC and parents and nephew to do age appropriate things and DH takes his kids to age appropriate things for them. You could then meet up later in the afternoon for a cuppa in the cafe and an ice cream. Win/win

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:19

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 20:16

@Vevevoom but that's literally what you said you would do...

She said that if her child was placed in a position where they were made to feel rejected, unwanted and disliked, she would want to protect them from that.

Most parents feel that way about their children. Most of them don't see parenting as a permanent, never-ending power game with the children used as pawns.

Twilight7777 · 09/08/2023 20:19

I wouldn’t frame it as wanting time without the step kids but with younger members of the family together, as having the older kids there would change the atmosphere.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:20

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:11

Your definition of ‘treating like shit’, sure. Feel free to sit and seethe about it if you like.

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Why would I be seething? I'm giving my opinion, the whole point of the thread 🤷🤦

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 20:21

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:17

The four children involved here are 11, 9, 8 and 5. It's hardly a huge age gap. And there is no suggestion at all that there wouldn't be appropriate stuff for them all to do at the theme park. You and your husband are a nuclear family (I assume from what you've written), both parents to all three of your children, and all of you live together full time. It's not a comparable situation at all.

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theres a big difference between 11, 9 and 5 so would give the older children an ideal chance for what I said.

We’re a nuclear family with the youngest three. We did exactly the same with the older kids - one his, two mine - when they were younger.

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 20:22

@Superfood No, she literally said if her DD was treated as OP is treating her step children, she would not let her go. No use downplaying it or extrapolating, that's what she said.

Tandora · 09/08/2023 20:22

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:14

Sadly there is a small but very vocal minority on here who truly despise their stepchildren and take pride in declaring that they absolutely do not like, love or care for them at all.

It's heartbreaking imagining the children who are at the sharp end of this.

Fortunately the majority of step parents seem to be decent people who are able to empathise with children who, unlike the adults, have no choice about the situation they are in, and to treat them kindly and fairly, even if they don't deep down love them in the same way as their own children.

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100% this.

YABU OP, this is incredibly nasty behaviour towards your step children. And poor form on the part of your parents and sister too.

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 20:22

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 19:03

Who are you even talking to?

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Not you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 20:23

Onesipmore · 09/08/2023 20:17

Perhaps all go. But, on arrival you go with your DC and parents and nephew to do age appropriate things and DH takes his kids to age appropriate things for them. You could then meet up later in the afternoon for a cuppa in the cafe and an ice cream. Win/win

Thats what most people would do. Step family or not.

The point is the Op’s husband won’t do that… it’s right there in her posts

ludocris · 09/08/2023 20:23

All these posts saying 'it's fine not to take them - today I took my DS somewhere and my DH took our two DDs somewhere else' are completely irrelevant. The point with the OP's situation is that the SC's children are being excluded because they're not considered 'real family'. Yes they might be badly behaved at times but if they were 'real family' they almost certainly wouldn't be excluded for that.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:24

Superfood · 09/08/2023 20:14

Sadly there is a small but very vocal minority on here who truly despise their stepchildren and take pride in declaring that they absolutely do not like, love or care for them at all.

It's heartbreaking imagining the children who are at the sharp end of this.

Fortunately the majority of step parents seem to be decent people who are able to empathise with children who, unlike the adults, have no choice about the situation they are in, and to treat them kindly and fairly, even if they don't deep down love them in the same way as their own children.

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It's truly bizarre, I can't imagine ever wanting to treat my step daughter in this way, as if she weren't a part of my family. None of it sits right with me and I do feel for those kids who have to deal with this

SunnyLiving · 09/08/2023 20:24

Why on earth did you marry & have a child with someone who already had two children if you weren’t willing to accept them as your own? How cruel to head off on an exciting day out and leave your two poor step children at home. They are surely part of your family? Your son’s siblings? Your nephew’s cousins? This is mind boggling to me !

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 20:25

Bignanny30 · 09/08/2023 20:06

Go with your family for a nice day out and tell your husband and step kids that’ll you’ll make it up to them by doing something special next week. At the ages of your sc they’re not going to want to do the same things as a 8 yr old and a 5 yr old anyway.

One of the step children is 9 - hardly a huge age gap between them and 8.

scotscorner · 09/08/2023 20:25

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:21

Not just her partners’ bad behaviour, but the SCs too - or are you another who thinks bad behaviour should be rewarded ? They have form for ruining things with their behaviour, which their dad won’t deal with. Why should the OP ‘be the bigger person’ and have her day ruined as a result ? Who cares what badly behaved brats are going to say in 15 years time - it’s now that matters !!

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They’re children.

lap90 · 09/08/2023 20:25

Going to an amusement park is a big day out. It’s the kind of thing most people do with the whole family - i know we did this summer.

You don’t have to invite them along, no, but your step kids might have some negative feelings about it and may not care for playing happy families with your family over tea later on.

Although like you said, their Dad could make alternative arrangements; it’s too bad you married and had a child with such a useless man.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:26

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 20:12

Not taking them on one day out when their father could take them out is not treating them like shit.

I took my DS out today. DH took the two younger kids out. Nobody treated like shit. Everyone having a good day without having to consider different age siblings for the day.

Exactly what the OPs husband could do rather than being a lazy twat and causing drama, but is choosing not to.

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Which is fine, but you can bet the SCs would want to go to the theme park if they knew their brother was going. 9 and 11 are perfect ages for a theme park, I have 2 kids of those ages (one being my step daughter) and I can tell you now they would not forget being left out of a trip like this. It's not just a trip to the local park.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:28

ludocris · 09/08/2023 20:23

All these posts saying 'it's fine not to take them - today I took my DS somewhere and my DH took our two DDs somewhere else' are completely irrelevant. The point with the OP's situation is that the SC's children are being excluded because they're not considered 'real family'. Yes they might be badly behaved at times but if they were 'real family' they almost certainly wouldn't be excluded for that.

Totally agree with this, you can bet that ops son wouldn't be left at home because of bad behaviour

Daisybridge · 09/08/2023 20:30

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:49

Well yes I would like one day out with my family.

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But the SC are your family - you took them on when you married their father