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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:
MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 10:50

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:49

Well yes I would like one day out with my family.

Show quote history

Aren’t your stepchildren your family?

Superfood · 08/08/2023 10:51

That will be nice for your kid in the evening, having to sit with their two older siblings who weren't allowed to go to the theme park. So instead of the three siblings and their cousin sharing a memorable day out together, the youngest gets an amazing day out and the older two get to sit around while dad is on Teams calls.

If you want to ensure they don't form a good sibling relationship, you are definitely going about it the right way. Well done.

MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 10:52

Role reversal: imagine if you and DH split up and he has more children with a new partner. How would you feel about him allowing your current DC to be left out in the same situation?

Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:53

I guarantee he would not just take them off and look after them by himself. It's precisely why he won't just go and do something different with them just them, he wants to tag along to this so I can be there to help and he gets to look great for taking them on a fun day out. It's always the way.

Aren’t your stepchildren your family?

Its supposed to be a treat for my child and nephew from their grandparents (and some time for me, my parents and sister together).

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:55

MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 10:52

Role reversal: imagine if you and DH split up and he has more children with a new partner. How would you feel about him allowing your current DC to be left out in the same situation?

I don't think I'd care at all if my child's hypothetical step mother went out for the day with her child and their extended family. I'd wonder why my child's father didn't take the time to do something else with our child for the day.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/08/2023 10:56

I think your husband should take them out himself and let you catch up with your family. Its really selfish of him to not understand you want some time with them.

Kirstyshine · 08/08/2023 10:56

frazzledasarock · Today 10:39

i think it’s a good thing for your DH to spend some quality one on one time with both his children. Why can’t he organise something for the three of them why does he need to barge in on your family time?
This is exactly what I've said to him, there is nothing stopping him from taking them somewhere else and having a nice bit of quality time with just them. I don't think he wants to parent alone for a day out. He was only arsed about me taking our child out with my family when he found out where it was we were going. He never arranges anything fun with them unless I do it. I just want one day with my family

I voted yabu but change my mind on reading this. What a shame he’s such an inadequate dad.

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2023 10:56

MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 10:52

Role reversal: imagine if you and DH split up and he has more children with a new partner. How would you feel about him allowing your current DC to be left out in the same situation?

Ii suppose she feels like if the situation were reversed she wouldnt be a Disney parent and let the kids run riot. She’d take her child on the days out she planned and let her new partner enjoy them, rather than expect her new partner to do all the parenting when out and to arrange the fun family times. These men bring it on themselves.

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 10:56

MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 10:52

Role reversal: imagine if you and DH split up and he has more children with a new partner. How would you feel about him allowing your current DC to be left out in the same situation?

I’d want and expect my DH to want to spend time alone with his older kids and spend time and energy and thought on organising days out with them and maintain their bond.

Not palm them off on his new wife. So he can go along and be a Disney dad whilst their stepmum is racing around trying to parent and ensure nobody kills eachother whilst he’s being the permissive agreeable Disney dad.

BigButtons · 08/08/2023 10:57

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:49

Well yes I would like one day out with my family.

Show quote history

Your step children are also your family. That’s what happens when you have a child with someone who already has children.

Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:58

Superfood · 08/08/2023 10:51

That will be nice for your kid in the evening, having to sit with their two older siblings who weren't allowed to go to the theme park. So instead of the three siblings and their cousin sharing a memorable day out together, the youngest gets an amazing day out and the older two get to sit around while dad is on Teams calls.

If you want to ensure they don't form a good sibling relationship, you are definitely going about it the right way. Well done.

I guess I don't understand why if he can change work to come with us, why he can't change it to go out somewhere else with them. No one is forcing him to stay at home miserable all day.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/08/2023 11:00

I think it’s fine to go without them. Your DH can take them out for the day if he likes. You don’t always get to see your family.

Callyem · 08/08/2023 11:00

Doesn't sit right with me, being happy to take my biological children while my stepchildren, who I knew would love it, were not being brought along.

Superfood · 08/08/2023 11:00

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:58

I guess I don't understand why if he can change work to come with us, why he can't change it to go out somewhere else with them. No one is forcing him to stay at home miserable all day.

Show quote history

But you think you can ban him from taking them to the amusement park?

rowantree1997 · 08/08/2023 11:01

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/08/2023 10:56

I think your husband should take them out himself and let you catch up with your family. Its really selfish of him to not understand you want some time with them.

Agreed.

Sidking · 08/08/2023 11:02

As a child of a blended family absolutely not, unless you want to breed resentment between the kids. When at your home they should be treated as part of your family IMO. We always had days out when it was my dad's weekend to have my stepsister, no we didn't always get on but she was as much part of the family as I was.

Take charge, it's a theme park with kids of different heights and ages. When you get there have a look at the map, find the big exciting rides the older 2 want to go on and say 'ok OH, so you take them to these, we will take the younger ones to these rides, and we will meet here at 1pm for lunch and go from there'

Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 11:02

Superfood · 08/08/2023 11:00

But you think you can ban him from taking them to the amusement park?

Show quote history

Of course I can't, where have I suggested I can ban him from the place? I've said I'd rather him not come with us. If he really wanted to I guess he could just take them by himself and walk around with them by himself all day but I know that he won't, and that isn't what he's suggesting. He wants to come with us and spend the day with us and I know the reason why... because he wants to take them out but doesn't want to take them by himself. As per usual.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/08/2023 11:03

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:58

I guess I don't understand why if he can change work to come with us, why he can't change it to go out somewhere else with them. No one is forcing him to stay at home miserable all day.

Show quote history

This.

If your dh actually gave a toss about his dc not missing out he’d be planning an equally fun day for them on his own.

What he actually wants is to abdicate responsibility for them and their behaviour entirely but still be fun dad by joining your planned day out.

It’s not right, it’s not fair and I would seriously be reevaluating my relationship with a man who thinks his kids are entirely my responsibility. Yanbu op.

SunRainStorm · 08/08/2023 11:04

DH should take his own children out to a separate activity if he is so concerned about their entertainment.

It's fair enough to want a day with just your family.

Superfood · 08/08/2023 11:05

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 11:02

Of course I can't, where have I suggested I can ban him from the place? I've said I'd rather him not come with us. If he really wanted to I guess he could just take them by himself and walk around with them by himself all day but I know that he won't, and that isn't what he's suggesting. He wants to come with us and spend the day with us and I know the reason why... because he wants to take them out but doesn't want to take them by himself. As per usual.

Show quote history

You said yourself that he wasn't interested and wasn't going to try to come along until he found out where you were going.

So it's bollocks that he wouldn't let you spend time with your family. If you'd just been going for a walk or a pub lunch or something it would have been fine.

It's that you decided to go to somewhere that would be a hugely exciting highlight of the holidays for many children of that age, and to deliberately exclude your stepchildren from it, even though they are staying with you.

It's incredibly nasty and unnecessary and is guaranteed to cause upset for all of the children involved.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/08/2023 11:05

The OP's child is getting a treat from their Grandparent. The step children have their own Grandparents to treat them and her husband is very unreasonable to want to muscle in on that for an easy day out.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 11:05

I agree with you @QueenBlue. If he really gave a shit, then he can change his day to play superdad with his kids for once. He just wants it to be made easier with extra hands and adjudicators. No. Stick to your guns.

Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 11:06

And quite honestly, to me, whilst SC are part of my immediate family, this day isn't about that. It's a chance for my child and their cousin to spend time with their grandparents and aunts. My parents don't spend much time with SC, my sister has rarely met them at all. So no, for the purpose of this day with my extended family I don't class it as a family day out inc SC. If it were just me, DH and DC going fair enough but its not supposed to be that. Its supposed to be a treat for my parents grandkids.

OP posts:
Superfood · 08/08/2023 11:06

From your post:

He was only arsed about me taking our child out with my family when he found out where it was we were going

Original poster
QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 11:07

It's that you decided to go to somewhere that would be a hugely exciting highlight of the holidays for many children of that age, and to deliberately exclude your stepchildren from it, even though they are staying with you

But my point is there is absolutely nothing stopping him arranging an equally exciting day out with them. It doesn't have to be with my family. He has a perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with his older kids. But he won't. He'll just moan at me.

OP posts:
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