Page 35 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:59

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:56

This is too extreme though, a rare day out at a theme park shouldn't be used as a punishment in my opinion. But we all have different ways to discipline.

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It’s entirely appropriate. If you have form for ruining days out with bad behaviour, what better way to get the message across ?

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:59

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:52

Of course they should. If my son is badly behaved then sure as hell he wouldn't be going to a theme park.
Doesn't know how to listen to an adult? Also wouldn't be going 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

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And how do we know these kids are like this? They may just be displaying normal kid behaviour for all we know.

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:59

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:57

You should have been allowed to discipline from the get go and I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, it's unfair on you and it's not how blended families should work

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Thank you and no it's not. But a lot of people with good blends forget quite how badly some women get treated. They are expected to step up and do a lot of stuff that isn't even expected of the kids bio parents
It doesn't make for a good blens but then step mums get blamed and called uncaring

I bet most of them also went in 100% until they were so taken for granted they just gave up

Cherrysherbet · 09/08/2023 20:00

I just want one day with my family

These children ARE your family.
You married their Father.

You are sending them a very clear message here.

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 20:00

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:59

And how do we know these kids are like this? They may just be displaying normal kid behaviour for all we know.

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Because she said they are badly behaved and mannered when they go out.

speakingthetruthisthebestway · 09/08/2023 20:01

You keep saying ‘my family’. Your stepchildren are your family! I have had this experience as a child and it is awful. You knew your husband had children when you met and that means taking them on. Properly taking them on! I’d go with them and your husband and be A FAMILY.

Vevevoom · 09/08/2023 20:01

It’s exactly this type of thing that creates tension within a family where there are half brothers and sisters. This will cause resentment in the future amongst the siblings. As a stepmom, you should develop a relationship with them. Don’t exclude them. This is just plain and simple, mean.

My DD sees spends two months with her dad over the summer. If I, as her mom were to hear that she was treated in this manner I would not trust you to be fair with my child and she won’t go again. Children pick up on these disparities and will act out.

what if this were your child and the roles were reversed? Would you be ok with this? Do you think it is right? They are your children too. Maybe not biological, but you are their parent when they are with you. Care for them like you would your own and show kindness so that they feel loved by you.

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:01

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:55

I didn't say they were her kids? But they are her step kids so they should be treat equally within the family.

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Step kids: again that’s just a title. They are not kids she’s either a parent to or responsible for, and the relationship she has with them is absolutely different to the one she has with her own child. The relationship her parents will have with them is also different. So no, she doesn’t have to treat them the same at all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 20:02

The bottom line is that OP's parents organized this day because they want an outing with their grandchildren. It is rude to try to change a host's plans.

The step-children have their own set of grandparents/maternal family members. OP's parents are not obliged to dilute their one day out with the grandkids by including ill-behaved other children they barely know.

The OP's stepchildren have a mother and a father. The father is shirking his duty to them, but that is not a problem for the OP's parents, who are the hosts, to address.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:02

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 20:00

Because she said they are badly behaved and mannered when they go out.

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Ah ok yeah, that's really convinced me. It sounds like she just doesn't want them there to me, they may just be showing normal kid behaviour and she's exaggerating it

tianabiscuit · 09/08/2023 20:03

I dunno, I'm sort of torn between you married a man with children, they are now part of your family and they will be able to tell they're not really wanted on the trip.

Either way it's pretty shit for the SC.

jesst81 · 09/08/2023 20:03

Im in your exact scenario with my own child and steps kids (older)and I would never leave them out if they were at ours.if they weren’t staying with us then it’s a different story. Sorry but you knew the dynamic when you entered this relationship.

azlazee1 · 09/08/2023 20:03

Sounds like a family outing. Shouldn't the whole family go? How would you feel if you were the child left behind. Just saying.....

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:04

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:01

Step kids: again that’s just a title. They are not kids she’s either a parent to or responsible for, and the relationship she has with them is absolutely different to the one she has with her own child. The relationship her parents will have with them is also different. So no, she doesn’t have to treat them the same at all.

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We have no idea how much she is involved in her step kids lives. We have my step daughter a week at a time and when she is here I treat her exactly the same as my kids, as do my parents. Why is that a hard thing to understand

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 20:04

Vevevoom · 09/08/2023 20:01

It’s exactly this type of thing that creates tension within a family where there are half brothers and sisters. This will cause resentment in the future amongst the siblings. As a stepmom, you should develop a relationship with them. Don’t exclude them. This is just plain and simple, mean.

My DD sees spends two months with her dad over the summer. If I, as her mom were to hear that she was treated in this manner I would not trust you to be fair with my child and she won’t go again. Children pick up on these disparities and will act out.

what if this were your child and the roles were reversed? Would you be ok with this? Do you think it is right? They are your children too. Maybe not biological, but you are their parent when they are with you. Care for them like you would your own and show kindness so that they feel loved by you.

It would be completely and utterly unreasonable of you to refuse contact between your child and their father because his wife sometimes went out without them. He could quite rightly take you to court.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 20:05

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:52

And you just sit there and put up with it? Why would you not lay these kind of ground rules down as soon as you get in to the relationship?

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Because, like the OP, she is not their mother and given that they don’t live with her full time, has little or no input into how they are brought up and disciplined. Ground rules only work if both parties agree to abide by them.

Bignanny30 · 09/08/2023 20:06

Go with your family for a nice day out and tell your husband and step kids that’ll you’ll make it up to them by doing something special next week. At the ages of your sc they’re not going to want to do the same things as a 8 yr old and a 5 yr old anyway.

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:06

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:04

We have no idea how much she is involved in her step kids lives. We have my step daughter a week at a time and when she is here I treat her exactly the same as my kids, as do my parents. Why is that a hard thing to understand

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It isn’t. You do you, literally no one has said you can’t. You’re the one trying to insist that everyone else has to follow your example. They don’t.

Ap42 · 09/08/2023 20:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:56

Surely you’d be horrified that your ex was refusing to do anything with them, rather than their stepmother having a rare day with her parents?

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But he isn't refusing to do anything with them is he? Dad is changing work plans to go along too.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:09

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:06

It isn’t. You do you, literally no one has said you can’t. You’re the one trying to insist that everyone else has to follow your example. They don’t.

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So people are just going round treating their step kids like shit cos they're not their own children? Ok, got it.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:10

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 20:05

Because, like the OP, she is not their mother and given that they don’t live with her full time, has little or no input into how they are brought up and disciplined. Ground rules only work if both parties agree to abide by them.

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And if they don't then why stay in that relationship where kids are gonna suffer and the op would be very unhappy?

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 20:11

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:09

So people are just going round treating their step kids like shit cos they're not their own children? Ok, got it.

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Your definition of ‘treating like shit’, sure. Feel free to sit and seethe about it if you like.

CoffeeCatsandBooks · 09/08/2023 20:11

Oh, gosh!! its very clear that his children are not your children. And you make it very obvious that they are not really part of your family. My eldest daughter has a dif dad to the rest, and THANKFULLY his family (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL) have ALWAYS seen and treated her just as my other children. I wouldn't be too happy if there was something planned and she wasn't part of it. Yes, Im sure it would be lovely to see your parents, sister and nephew on your own, but your SC are part of your DC family! Even more than your nephew.

Your DH might be a lazy dad, but your reasoning of he never plans anything makes it look like you are punishing your SC for his innactions. You say your mum and dad, and DS and DN barely know your SC... well, this is a great oportunity to get them to know each other!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 20:12

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 20:09

So people are just going round treating their step kids like shit cos they're not their own children? Ok, got it.

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Not taking them on one day out when their father could take them out is not treating them like shit.

I took my DS out today. DH took the two younger kids out. Nobody treated like shit. Everyone having a good day without having to consider different age siblings for the day.

Exactly what the OPs husband could do rather than being a lazy twat and causing drama, but is choosing not to.

MsRosley · 09/08/2023 20:12

Always the bloody woman getting it in the neck for not compensating for the dad's shit parenting. Boils my piss. It would be perfectly possible for OP's DH to explain the situation to his kids, tell them it's the perfect opportunity for them to do something fun together instead, and ask them what they'd love to do.