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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband dropped not play football?

170 replies

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 08:58

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm).
It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October.
I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday).
I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday.
He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday.
AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 08:58

Sorry!! I don't know how the word dropped ended in the title!

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 09:03

Has he ever skipped Saturday football? I assume that he's not actually playing football and travelling to and from training for 8 hours every Saturday.

While he may be able to use the excuse that she doesn't know this year, she will know the date sooner rather than later and he needs to skip training that day.

BranchGold · 08/08/2023 09:04

Time for him to step up and be a parent.

Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:05

He plays far away, where we live there is a lot of traffic too.
He very rarely misses any Saturdays as I always plan things on a sunday.
He could technically do something in the morning, and then be back at 2pm but I don't want to feel rushed.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 09:07

I'd move it to the Sunday. Like you said, she won't know. It would be different if she was older, but at the moment it doesn't matter so what's the point of missing football?

ukMummyof1 · 08/08/2023 09:11

His daughters birthday should be a priority over the football- which he does every week! Regardless of whether she knows it's her birthday or not, the decent thing would be to be there. Obviously different if it was work but this is football😵

PuttingDownRoots · 08/08/2023 09:13

The difficulty is he makes a commitment to team. And as pointed out regularly on here... dropping a commitment just because something better comes along is rude.

So it comes down to... how vital is he for the team?

(DH dropped out of cricket as he realised after one season it didn't work with kids. Now they are older we are picking up our commitments again)

Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:15

Thank you, we don't live near any family either. So will be by myself and two children for her birthday which feels sad.
But as another poster has said, she won't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:17

It's quite casual. Other people miss matches here and there too. A few times it has been cancelled as a lot of players have said they can't make it.
I am just sad as for me, her birthday would take priority

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/08/2023 09:18

The difficulty is he makes a commitment to team

This inflexibility used to make me so mad.😡DH’s brother also played, he went when he wanted not every time. People drop out all the time. I’ve had 20 years of Tuesday nights.

Its not really a problem, but occasionally something crops up on a Tuesday. But, you know, football and all that…, team mates seem to drop in and out when it suits them.

dottiedodah · 08/08/2023 09:21

My DH loves football too.I think I would just move it to the Sunday TBH.If you make him do Saturday and he doesn want to ,it wont be as pleasant an atmosphere .Why not do a Weekend of birthday, ie Saturday something like Pizza and Birthday cake, some presents .On Sunday Day out all together?

gazpachosoupday · 08/08/2023 09:24

I think it would depend on what kind of person he is. If he is the type of person, to understand that yes, she wont understand this year but will in the few years, then I would let it go.

If he is the type of person, who will assume he does it once, then its going to happen every year, then I would kick up a fuss now

coverp · 08/08/2023 09:24

I'd do a lovely family breakfast/brunch with presents on the Saturday then a full day out on the Sunday. Football only covers 25% of the birthday weekend. We often can't make a huge thing of the actual day because it falls on a day that both DH and I are at work, so we do presents and a special family tea followed by party/day out at the weekend.

With young children, being unavailable for a quarter of every weekend plus an evening every week would be too much in our family, but that's a separate conversation to be had if you feel that way.

Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:29

I do hate it how he is at football every Saturday afternoon, but he loves it and it is good for his mental health so I am happy for him to do it.

OP posts:
Survey99 · 08/08/2023 09:36

Your dd doesn't care so it sounds more like a test for your dh which is manipulative and nothing good will come from it.

If you have concerns about his commitment to his family this is not the way to approach it. He can be absolutely commited and still do football and the birthday day out on Sunday, forcing him choose is game playing and does not prove anything.

entitledparents · 08/08/2023 09:44

I'd move to Sunday

Simonjt · 08/08/2023 09:47

I’d move it to Sunday, I have rugby every Saturday during the season, you can’t just opt out of games, I wouldn’t skip my other job for my childrens birthday, so I wouldn’t for rugby either.

lunar1 · 08/08/2023 09:49

I wouldn't have asked to be honest. DH and I both have hobbies that require a time commitment, we don't drop them unless someone is ill. He will still be with your dd most of the weekend.

I think it's a shame when adults can't have regular interests outside of the family and marriage. But it does have to be equal, does he give you time to pursue a hobby?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 09:51

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 09:07

I'd move it to the Sunday. Like you said, she won't know. It would be different if she was older, but at the moment it doesn't matter so what's the point of missing football?

But he's going to barely see her on her birthday because football matters more
That's the issue

PuttingDownRoots · 08/08/2023 09:51

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:29

I do hate it how he is at football every Saturday afternoon, but he loves it and it is good for his mental health so I am happy for him to do it.

The eternal problem with parents hobbies... they are good for the individual but impose on the family.
It gets worse as the children also get hobbies! But its all good for the individual.

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 08/08/2023 09:52

how can you do sunday. surely that is your day away from family doing something you enjoy for your mental health?

gothshot · 08/08/2023 09:54

You'd think his daughters birthday would be priority to him over football!

YourNameGoesHere · 08/08/2023 09:57

KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 08/08/2023 09:52

how can you do sunday. surely that is your day away from family doing something you enjoy for your mental health?

That was my first thought. It's all well and good him having hours to himself twice a week but funnily enough no one seems to expect thr same in return for the OP.

Of course he should prioritise his child for the day instead of football, she might not actually know it's her birthday on Saturday but so what, it's not like he's working and can't get the day off. He's choosing to do something he enjoys more rather than spend time with his daughter.

Parker231 · 08/08/2023 10:00

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:29

I do hate it how he is at football every Saturday afternoon, but he loves it and it is good for his mental health so I am happy for him to do it.

If he has Saturday for his hobbies, which day do you have?

ManateeFair · 08/08/2023 10:06

I'd just go to theme park on the Sunday. It really doesn't matter what day you go. Presents etc on the Saturday, then theme park on the Sunday.