To ask my husband dropped not play football?

[Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream]

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm).
It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October.
I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday).
I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday.
He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday.
AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

Unreasonable view of your DH given that it is not a commitment such as being in a lower league team.

He obviously doesn't have to compromise because he's a man and having any hobby twice a week including most of the day on a Saturday is his god given right and everyone else just has to put up and shut up.

@YourNameGoesHere exactly he’s the only one not comprising

My husband is obsessed with football. It genuinely occupies about 80% of his brain capacity I would reckon. He watches, plays and coaches.

Having said that, he would still prioritise his DC on their birthday, because as much as he loves football, he loves the DC more.

When you have children it's impractical and unfair to expect to allow a hobby to take priority on every Saturday with zero flexibility.

But there isn't "zero flexibility". You are making that up. OP has already said he misses games when he has to / it is important. The point is, there is absolutely no reason to do so on this occasion. If the OP had to work, or if they were invited to a wedding or something they can't control the date of - her dh misses his football. This, however, is a case of looking when people are free and arranging it on a day when whoever you want to be there, is available. Just like all of us do for our birthdays. If the dd's birthday were on a Tuesday or a Thursday, then parents would arrange to go out on the nearest convenient day. So why create an issue when there doesn't need to be one ?

That is so funny, that you think you know how other people feel, more than they know themselves

Because he could actually be free on her birthday @UsingChangeofName. I would think your child’s birthday is quite important

Yes it's hilarious.

Honestly the bar for some is set so low. If you're not bothered about your partner prioritising his hobby instead of his child's birthday then why have children with that person. I mean jeez it's one day a year why shouldn't she be the priority.

I think doing something special to celebrate everyone's birthdays is important. However, I would never presume the celebration has to be on the day itself.

In fact, it rarely will be, due to people's work commitments, (not yet, but for most of their dd's life) school commitments, holidays, things like Christmas Day for those unlucky enough to be born on 25th December, clashes with other events you get invited to, or indeed, other things you also enjoy and would like to still be able to do as well as celebrating your birthday.

2 of my dc never celebrated their birthday - as in with friends or wider family - on the actual day, due to the dates of their birthday. The rather enjoy having multiple celebratory days rather than seeing it as a bad thing.

She's young, it's fine to do it on the Sunday.

However, I would go out every single Sunday from 1-8pm from now on. Let him have his kid for a day too. Make a regular lunch date with friends, browse some shops, nap in the car. Anything.

I need a lot more information about how casual it really is.

Is he really out that long every Saturday? Could he only stay out late occasionally? How long is he out on a Tuesday? Is Tuesday training and Saturday a match? I'm assuming it doesn't take as long on a Tuesday night. How long would he be out for if he set off as late as possible and came straight back after the game, showering at home.

Does he play for a team some distance away for some reason, such as it's a team he used to play for before moving away, or they play at a higher level than local teams? Could he play for a more local team?

Is he the goalkeeper? How many players usually turn up for matches? How many players are available on the Saturday? Is the team in a league? Is there a chance the game will be called off due to lack of players? Do the team get booted out of the league if they cancel too many games? Is the team battling to win promotion or avoid relegation? Did they get promoted last season, or narrowly miss out? Is there really a fixture every single weekend in the season?

Seems to me a lot of people are dismissing his hobby as him just kicking a ball around with his mates, despite having been given very little information.

On the Saturday can't he have a nice morning and lunch, set off a little late, hurry back in time for birthday tea and cake, then full day out on the Sunday?

I think it will be five years til the next weekend birthday.

Celebrate on the Sunday.
Birthday parties go on the most suitable date which isn't always the actual day.

🙄 there is a perfectly reasonable solution available that allows both activities to happen that weekend with no detriment to anyone.

You are mixing up compromise with control.

Do you not think the DH is being controlling @Survey99 as he gets annoyed if there are any plans on a Saturday, when his football thing is a casual arrangement, where other players manage to not be there every Saturday, but OP's DH gets annoyed if he has to miss it. He also manages to make a football match last for 8 hours, where I assume he gets home very conveniently after DC's bedtime, so getting out of parenting for a large chunk of time. It would seem to be that the DH is controlling on when activities can happen at a weekend as they mustn't clash with his hobby.

If DH had a casual sport arrangement on a Saturday which took him out of the house for 8 hours and our DS's birthday fell on a Saturday he would miss the football so he could celebrate with DS, and I would assume any decent parent would too. I would also say that DH would never have arranged something that took him away from DS so much at a weekend, as that is when you can have most quality time with your DC, when you work FT.

No I don't think it is controlling for any parent to have interests outside the family unit, I think it is healthy. It is 7-8 hours a week due to travel time. He is free until 2pm on Saturday, they could do something in the morning, he is free all day Sunday.

It is also not controlling, if you do have a regular commitment to hope it is respected unless there is a compelling reason to change - unmoveable event such as a wedding, a family holiday etc. If op does bedtime that night dh can do another night, that is compromise.

It is controlling to want to manipulate another to forgo a regular activity for no valid reason other that op wants to.

As a family we would plan to do something for the DCs birthday on a day we were all free. DH plays cricket on Saturday, we know the dates of the matches so I wouldn't ask him not to play unless it was something that could only be done on that day. As DC get older they have all sorts of commitments on various days, birthdays will fall on school days, work days etc so DC won't always have both parents there.

Its lovely to celebrate birthdays but I will never understand the importance of it having to be on the actual day or having the whole family there all day. People spend many a birthday with their DC whilst their other half is at work, or siblings are at school. Surely it's no big deal.

Is it a casual arrangement? I didn't see that said anywhere. Sports are often a commitment to the team.

Surely a good compromise is to go on the Sunday. Parties/celebrations are usually on the most convenient day. I certainly don't go out on a Monday night to have a few too many drinks when I can go at a weekend when I don't have to get up the next day.

@NotAMug the OP says it is quite casual, and other people miss it here and there. If I was another team player and the DH said it was his little one's birthday but he preferred to be at football and socialising with the team I would be calling him out on it.

Fair enough, I missed that bit. Even so they are all free Sunday so IMO makes sense to go then. The thing is, if hobbies etc aren't treated equally l, as in equal importance or equal opportunity if wanted, I can understand why the other person doesn't get it/gets pissed off etc.

Do it on the Sunday, no need for drama at that age.

It’s her birthday, he needs to realise he’s a daddy and that his DD should come first - especially on her birthday

That’s a harsh view! Dh and I both play a team sport that takes us out of the house 3 evenings a week, all of Saturday and coaching on other days as well. Our view is that our level of commitment and the fact that we’re still playing competitive sport in our 40s is actually setting an excellent example to our children. We’re lucky though that we’re both equally committed. If it was just dh every week and I was left with the bulk of childcare, I would be resentful.
We tend not to miss games unless there’s a wedding or something else big that really can’t be moved to another day.

So what about next year, when her birthday is on a Monday ?
Or 2025 when it will be on a Tuesday
etc
etc
Do you think he should be saying to his boss "I'm a Daddy and my dd should come first on her birthday" or do you think he should go to work and have a special day for the birthday girl on a day when it is convenient ?

@UsingChangeofName its a casual hobby, very different to work. That’s why when a birthday falls on a weekend it’s great that you can celebrate it fully on the actual day.

@Ryeman how much time do you actually spend with your DC and together as a family?