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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband dropped not play football?

170 replies

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 08:58

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm).
It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October.
I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday).
I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday.
He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday.
AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 08/08/2023 20:26

Does none of the team ever miss the odd week? Most of these type of teams have a squad, so him being absent just means fewer substitutions. Of course he can miss the odd match due to family commitments, as I'm sure others in the team do too.

Catlady1978 · 08/08/2023 20:33

Both my boys play sport - we take the commitment seriously and make an effort to attend training - saying that though family events happen and on the odd occasion they have to give it a miss. It’s not a job, just a hobby and sometimes family comes first!

Frankenpug23 · 08/08/2023 20:45

I am presuming you do things on a sunday or other week days which are good for your wellbeing?

I am sorry I think he should give up 1 sat this year to spend time with his DC on their birthday. If not go without him, many children’s first memories start around 3, so it would be lovely as its a saturday to do something on their special day.

I get that you have to have commitment and need to be available to get into the team but you have said above that people sometimes cannot attend - and this is one of those occasions. Its once this year!! My DH never played on the rare saturday it was one of our DC’s birthday- it was a no brainer for him as so many birthday we had less time together because of school or work!!

UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 20:51

YABU

I am just sad as for me, her birthday would take priority

But he is still happy to do what you want to do to celebrate her birthday. It is pretty normal to arrange any celebration (day out or party) for a day / time that is convenient for the people you want to be there.
If her birthday happened to fall on a weekday, you would presumably be doing the day out at the weekend ? How is it different?

For those who struggle to understand the commitment of being part of a team, does it make it any easier to understand if you were an integral part of a music trio ? string quartet ? bell ringing group ? guide leading team (or BB or GB or Scouts etc?) Barber shop quartet ? Percussionist in an orchestra? I know there are some posters that see the word 'football' so are automatically against it, but it doesn't negate the fact that he has a commitment on the one day, so it just makes sense to go on the other, when they are both free.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/08/2023 07:27

What @sandybeaches said! You can practically guarantee if you went out EVERY Sunday until 9pm he would be livid. He’ll say he doesn’t mind because he knows you won’t, because your not a selfish twat. You’re more than generous to not mind him being away half every weekend as it is, of course he shouldn’t go to football on his daughters birthday. But even if he agrees to spend time with his lovely family, the day won’t be nice because he will resent every second. He hates you organising things at the weekend? Good God, what a selfish tosser. Good luck when the dc’s are a bit older and you’re the only person driving them both around to clubs and groups all day while he pisses about with his mates.

IglesiasPiggl · 09/08/2023 07:35

UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 20:51

YABU

I am just sad as for me, her birthday would take priority

But he is still happy to do what you want to do to celebrate her birthday. It is pretty normal to arrange any celebration (day out or party) for a day / time that is convenient for the people you want to be there.
If her birthday happened to fall on a weekday, you would presumably be doing the day out at the weekend ? How is it different?

For those who struggle to understand the commitment of being part of a team, does it make it any easier to understand if you were an integral part of a music trio ? string quartet ? bell ringing group ? guide leading team (or BB or GB or Scouts etc?) Barber shop quartet ? Percussionist in an orchestra? I know there are some posters that see the word 'football' so are automatically against it, but it doesn't negate the fact that he has a commitment on the one day, so it just makes sense to go on the other, when they are both free.

A lot of those things you mention have a set number of people so can't function without one member. Football usually isn't like that because there is a squad and at the matches people get substituted on and off to give everyone a game. And you can still be committed without having to let it dictate your life. When you have children it's impractical and unfair to expect to allow a hobby to take priority on every Saturday with zero flexibility.

Boobahs · 09/08/2023 07:37

For me, this isn't about the day out at the theme park, it's about the fact that he would rather spend his daughter's birthday at the football.

SheRaaaaa · 09/08/2023 07:49

If he has Saturdays, and you were to take Sundays, when's your family day with your children?

Is Saturday 'football' also a piss-up by any chance?

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 07:51

@Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream
I do hate it how he is at football every Saturday afternoon, but he loves it and it is good for his mental health so I am happy for him to do it.''

You are ''happy for him to do it''?

You realise you are not his mother and he doesn't need your permission to get involved in activities...

Frankly it is healthy for people to have interests outside the home and you sound a tiny bit controlling and manipulative and are just using the birthday as an excuse.

If this was about a woman with a husband who was trying to control her hobbies/when she could spend time with friends the responses here would be very different...well it is the same as far as I am concerned, you should not be trying to dictate what your partner can and can't do.

Simply organise the birthday on a Sunday.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 07:51

So if OP did a hobby on Sunday which parent would have to give it up for the birthday girl? Would it still be OP even though the birthday was on Sunday, because we all know how important men’s hobbies are?

Why does he have to be out so late on a Saturday? If I played a team sport but there were plenty of us and it was pretty casual so didn’t matter whether someone dropped a Saturday, I would judge a parent who prioritised the sport over a child’s birthday

How involved has he been with the birthday otherwise, how many presents has he organised? I see it is the OP who is organising the day out

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 07:54

Why is everyone telling OP to organise the birthday? Why is organising the birthday mum’s work? Wonder what they would be doing if left to the dad

IglesiasPiggl · 09/08/2023 08:01

Assuming your DH isn't playing in the Permiership, being committed to me means attending the vast majority of the time, as opposed to 100% rigid attendance with no other aspect of life allowed to take priority once in a while.

sandybeaches · 09/08/2023 08:14

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 07:51

@Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream
I do hate it how he is at football every Saturday afternoon, but he loves it and it is good for his mental health so I am happy for him to do it.''

You are ''happy for him to do it''?

You realise you are not his mother and he doesn't need your permission to get involved in activities...

Frankly it is healthy for people to have interests outside the home and you sound a tiny bit controlling and manipulative and are just using the birthday as an excuse.

If this was about a woman with a husband who was trying to control her hobbies/when she could spend time with friends the responses here would be very different...well it is the same as far as I am concerned, you should not be trying to dictate what your partner can and can't do.

Simply organise the birthday on a Sunday.

Asking somebody not to do something is not in itself controlling.

If this was about a man asking a woman not to do her sport/hobby that she did every Saturday -(for hours) so that she could spend her birthday with her daughter, I would think exactly the same…that she should spend birthday with the daughter. I would also think she should not do the ‘sport that takes up half a day’ every weekend until the children are much older.

Both parents will need an activity/hobby/time away & this should be encouraged. One parent taking up hours EVERY weekend to do this is not ok.

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 08:39

@sandybeaches

Daft.

Many people work long hours during the week and the weekend is the only time they can get to the gym or another physical activity and so on.

It is controlling to suggest your partner needs your permission to exercise/see friends.

The OP could have organised the birthday on the Sunday. It just sounds to me like an excuse force a showdown about his football playing.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 08:50

@Greenwitchhorse what organising is the DH doing, or is he too busy with his hobby?

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2023 08:54

I'd be pretty pissed off if football was higher up his list of priorities than spending a family day together for his daughter's birthday!
Also, if he says you can have Sundays for your hobby, when would you actually have family time together?

sandybeaches · 09/08/2023 09:28

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 08:39

@sandybeaches

Daft.

Many people work long hours during the week and the weekend is the only time they can get to the gym or another physical activity and so on.

It is controlling to suggest your partner needs your permission to exercise/see friends.

The OP could have organised the birthday on the Sunday. It just sounds to me like an excuse force a showdown about his football playing.

I agree. Nothing wrong with popping out to the gym or going out for a run or a quick game of tennis.

Committing to be out of the house from 1-9pm every Saturday is a totally different kettle of fish.

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 09:29

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 09:07

I'd move it to the Sunday. Like you said, she won't know. It would be different if she was older, but at the moment it doesn't matter so what's the point of missing football?

I agree.

sandybeaches · 09/08/2023 09:31

Just to add- nobody should be asking anybody for permission. It should be clear to both what is a reasonable/unreasonable such circumstances.

Diddykong · 09/08/2023 09:32

Does he realise that most kids spend Saturdays doing clubs when they get older? Every child I know spends Saturday at dance/sport/swimming activities. What will he do then?

PerceptionIsReality · 09/08/2023 09:35

Being able to move birthdays a day or two is something I miss about having really young children. It's not possible with older ones and yet birthdays are sometimes hugely inconvenient which with older ones generally means having two celebrations - one on the actual day and then a "proper" one that all the family can properly participate in on (most likely) the following weekend.

Embrace the ability to easily move the celebration to Sunday while you can and start to prepare your husband now for the fact that it will not be possible once she is older (but then, with 2 kids, this is likely only to be an issue every 3 years or so).

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 09:39

@Diddykong probably carry on as he has been doing, as obviously his hobby is more important than anything else, and everything else has to be arranged round it

MisschiefMaker · 09/08/2023 09:41

Honestly I'd just do the birthday on the Sunday since your DD won't know. If having the birthday on Saturday doesn't benefit your DD then what would your reasoning be? It sounds like a power play and a little petty on your part. Marriages are easier when you cut each other slack and try to accommodate each other.

It'd be different if she was older.

BLT24 · 09/08/2023 09:43

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 08:39

@sandybeaches

Daft.

Many people work long hours during the week and the weekend is the only time they can get to the gym or another physical activity and so on.

It is controlling to suggest your partner needs your permission to exercise/see friends.

The OP could have organised the birthday on the Sunday. It just sounds to me like an excuse force a showdown about his football playing.

He doesn’t need seven hours of exercise every Saturday. My husband goes for a run on a Saturday and Sunday morning and play football two nights a week. He doesn’t need to be away from the family for a whole day every weekend. Sounds like he doesn’t even want to spend time with his kids or with his wife and kids as a family.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 09:43

@MisschiefMaker why is it usually the woman who has to do the accommodating. I don’t know any football game that starts at lunchtime and goes on until 9pm but OP’s husband has obviously found one, so he can opt out of parenting.