Page 5 | To ask my husband dropped not play football?

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 2023-08-08T07:58:10+00:00

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm). It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October. I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday). I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday. He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday. AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

Screamingabdabz · 09/08/2023 13:43

Unless he’s in the premiership and earning £100k a week there is no excuse.

Most decent men would understand if he said ‘can’t make the match on 8th Oct mate, it’s my daughter’s birthday…’

But no, kicking a kicky ball at the end of his foot is more important than his daughter.

I would go on my own with her and he can play his kicky ball and come home to an empty house. Prick.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 13:50

@Strugglingtodomybest seriously you don’t think a parent should want to spend the day with their child on their birthday if they can, wow you have low expectations of a parent.

Medlady · 09/08/2023 13:56

I should take him up on his offer of looking after then while you do something on Sundays if I were you.

I suspect his commitment to football will soon waver once sauce for the goose becomes sauce for the gander , and you can revert to more family-oriented weekends

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 14:07

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 13:50

@Strugglingtodomybest seriously you don’t think a parent should want to spend the day with their child on their birthday if they can, wow you have low expectations of a parent.

In your opinion.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter which day you celebrate a birthday on, so long as you celebrate it.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 14:20

Survey99 · 09/08/2023 12:11

I'm surprised at all the "cool wives" on this thread. FFS, it's a hobby. He should WANT to spend his daughter's birthday with her.

I have not spent every dc birthday as a full day out with my dc, sometimes through necessity sometimes through choice - does that make me some sort of neglectful parent?

You do know it is not mandatory it had to be on the day and is NOTHING to do with his dd and EVERYTHING to do with his wife being inflexible on a date. There is no reason why they can't do the Sunday, there are valid reasons the Saturday is not ideal, she just WANTs the Saturday.

It's nothing to do with the OP's inflexibility. Birthdays by definition are fixed dates. On this occasion, a Saturday.
It's everything to do with him being inflexible for a HOBBY. Not even a 'we're really struggling for cash, I need to work this weekend' but a hobby. It's absolutely pathetic. What a man. What a parent.

I don't know you well enough to comment on your parenting since you asked. But I'll say that of course it's reasonable to not spend a full day with DC on their birthday especially if it's a weekday. But in this case specifically where the reason why is kicky kick I'd wonder what kind of parent does that. And what exactly is that teaching their kids. The little one might only be 3 but there's an older sibling.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 14:25

It's nothing to do with the OP's inflexibility. Birthdays by definition are fixed dates. On this occasion, a Saturday.

I don't really see why that's relevant. I know very few people who insist on celebrating on their actual birthday, regardless of any other commitments people might have.

Saturday can be for presents and a birthday lunch, and Sunday can be a day out at the theme park. A full birthday weekend instead of cramming it all into one day sounds pretty great to me.

iamjustwinginglife · 09/08/2023 14:25

Take the children for a treat on Saturday and theme park on Sunday. Then you get the best of both days.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 14:37

For all those telling the OP to do something nice with her DD on the Saturday, why does she have to have that responsibility and not the DH, why always the default being the woman.

Many children like to celebrate their birthday on the day, even if it is a school day, and certainly at Primary school they will go in wearing a badge and possibly some sweets to share, and get Happy Birthday sung to them. Bit rich if a teacher puts in more effort than their dad!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 14:38

For all those telling the OP to do something nice with her DD on the Saturday, why does she have to have that responsibility and not the DH, why always the default being the woman.

Because her dad already has plans that day. If it was the OP who had a pre-standing arrangement, people would be telling the dad to do something nice with his daughter instead.

5128gap · 09/08/2023 14:43

Its a shame he's putting football ahead of his family. But pragmatism says swap to Sunday. There is no point having him there on the Saturday huffing and moaning or trying to get it over for 2pm. Your best chance of a good day is the swap.
I hope for your sake this is the only area of your life together in which his wishes must always come before yours.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 14:48

@cinnamonfrenchtoast plans that he can cancel. Will be interesting to see how much involvement he has had in sorting out his DD's birthday

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 14:50

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 14:48

@cinnamonfrenchtoast plans that he can cancel. Will be interesting to see how much involvement he has had in sorting out his DD's birthday

I just don't see the big deal about a 3yo's birthday being celebrated the following day. They really won't care and likely won't even notice.

Yes, he could change his plans but he has no need to. The theme park will still be there on Sunday and the 3yo will have just as much fun as she would have on the Saturday.

iamjustwinginglife · 09/08/2023 15:16

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 14:37

For all those telling the OP to do something nice with her DD on the Saturday, why does she have to have that responsibility and not the DH, why always the default being the woman.

Many children like to celebrate their birthday on the day, even if it is a school day, and certainly at Primary school they will go in wearing a badge and possibly some sweets to share, and get Happy Birthday sung to them. Bit rich if a teacher puts in more effort than their dad!

It's not about "responsibility" it's just about having a nice day out with her child on the actual day...funnily enough mums can take children out without their dad!

BrawnWild · 09/08/2023 15:18

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 09:05

He plays far away, where we live there is a lot of traffic too.
He very rarely misses any Saturdays as I always plan things on a sunday.
He could technically do something in the morning, and then be back at 2pm but I don't want to feel rushed.

You say he rarely misses football. When does he miss it?

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 15:34

@cinnamonfrenchtoast maybe it is him stepping up as a dad. He obviously takes the piss by being at football until 9pm every Saturday when I assume he could be home much earlier.

There is no way DH would have been away for DS’s birthday if it fell at a weekend if he could help it, as he prioritised being a dad to propping up the bar which I assume it what OP’s husband will be

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 15:38

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 15:34

@cinnamonfrenchtoast maybe it is him stepping up as a dad. He obviously takes the piss by being at football until 9pm every Saturday when I assume he could be home much earlier.

There is no way DH would have been away for DS’s birthday if it fell at a weekend if he could help it, as he prioritised being a dad to propping up the bar which I assume it what OP’s husband will be

Whereas in our house, we weren't so rigid about dates.

Maybe I see it differently as my parents often worked weekends, but it was no big deal to me to celebrate the weekend before/after instead. It didn't ruin the celebrations or make me think my parents didn't give a shit.

Yes, it might "just" be a football game but it's something OP knows he does every Saturday - so just move the theme park trip to the Sunday. It's really not the big deal everyone seems to be making it out to be.

CleverLilViper · 09/08/2023 15:54

Of course you could move it to the Sunday or have a big birthday weekend. You and your DD do something together on the Saturday and then family day on the Sunday.

However, my worry would be that it becomes expected that you and your DD take a backseat to his hobbies. It is one weekend. You're not asking him to quit football altogether. You've given him advance notice of one Saturday that he may need to prioritise your DD on rather than football and he's being stubborn about it.

What day do you get for your personal hobbies and MH?

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 16:12

Work is different than socialising with your mates @cinnamonfrenchtoast. Maybe for once he could prioritise his family over his mates

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 16:13

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 16:12

Work is different than socialising with your mates @cinnamonfrenchtoast. Maybe for once he could prioritise his family over his mates

I just don't see this as a priority issue 🤷‍♀️

It's just a birthday day out. It can happen on the Sunday and everyone will have just as much fun. There really doesn't need to be all this drama and upset over nothing.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 16:16

PuttingDownRoots · 08/08/2023 09:51

The eternal problem with parents hobbies... they are good for the individual but impose on the family.
It gets worse as the children also get hobbies! But its all good for the individual.

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@PuttingDownRoots

you don’t just stop being an individual though do you just because you’re also part of a family? So what’s the issue?

StillWantingADog · 09/08/2023 16:20

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:12

Far too much time away for a hobby with a young family, 8 hours every Saturday. Just unacceptable full stop.

This. Dh and I ended up reluctantly giving up ours when the kids were small and they were both 3-4 hours a week not 8!
ruling out one day of each weekend is a big ask. OP if you don’t fancy having Sundays off then one evening a week for your own benefit it the minimum you should insist on.

SunnyFrost · 09/08/2023 16:29

Ugh I loathe these men who have kids and then continue to opt out for 50% of every weekend because of amateur football. I have hobbies and so does my DH and we fully support each other in them, but all day every weekend for 8 months of the year? Erm, no. And don’t get me started on golf.

I would have zero respect for my husband as a father and a man if he opted to kick around a ball in the mud rather than spend our child’s third birthday with them. Sadly I suspect he’s in the minority but he had kids because he wants to be a dad first and foremost.

Survey99 · 09/08/2023 16:32

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 14:20

It's nothing to do with the OP's inflexibility. Birthdays by definition are fixed dates. On this occasion, a Saturday.
It's everything to do with him being inflexible for a HOBBY. Not even a 'we're really struggling for cash, I need to work this weekend' but a hobby. It's absolutely pathetic. What a man. What a parent.

I don't know you well enough to comment on your parenting since you asked. But I'll say that of course it's reasonable to not spend a full day with DC on their birthday especially if it's a weekday. But in this case specifically where the reason why is kicky kick I'd wonder what kind of parent does that. And what exactly is that teaching their kids. The little one might only be 3 but there's an older sibling.

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In this scenario it is entirely to do with inflexibility not to mention borderline controlling behaviour to make a point about "priorities" which in an otherwise healthy relationship is not needed. A day out and the football can both be done that weekend without any issues, but for some reason the OP feels the need to make it an issue and try to manipulate her dh for no good reason except some ridiculous fake proof of "commitment". If she doesn't already know he is committed and his forced compliance is needed to prove "commitment" to their family or relationship she has much bigger issues.

The birthday date is fixed. When you CHOOSE to have a day out to mark it is not and is entirely flexible, people do it all the time for birthdays.

I am very happy with what I have taught my now late teens dc, and that includes what healthy relationships are like, the importance of compromise when there are valid reasons, that they should not manipulate their partners and they should not accept being manipulated.

I have also steered them well away from this modern phenomena where certain dated events are excessively over hyped leading to disappointment and feelings of lack of worth, which seems to be the route the OP is on.

Survey99 · 09/08/2023 16:36

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 12:17

@Survey99 you don't the DH is being inflexible at all. It is a casual football team not his job.

@Strugglingtodomybest if you were out doing sport all the time where were your children, if you have any, especially when they were little like OP's

Both the day out and the football can be done in the same weekend, don't see any point in giving up either when there is no reason other than the OPs personal preference.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 17:14

Where’s the compromise from DH?