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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband dropped not play football?

170 replies

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 08:58

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm).
It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October.
I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday).
I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday.
He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday.
AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 09/08/2023 09:47

Greenwitchhorse · 09/08/2023 08:39

@sandybeaches

Daft.

Many people work long hours during the week and the weekend is the only time they can get to the gym or another physical activity and so on.

It is controlling to suggest your partner needs your permission to exercise/see friends.

The OP could have organised the birthday on the Sunday. It just sounds to me like an excuse force a showdown about his football playing.

If he is spending that much time on exercise at the weekend, when does he participate in family activities and when does his wife have her free time?
Why would it be the mother to organise the birthday - is this not something the father can do?

user123212 · 09/08/2023 09:47

sandybeaches · 09/08/2023 09:31

Just to add- nobody should be asking anybody for permission. It should be clear to both what is a reasonable/unreasonable such circumstances.

If you go off and do something on your own, you're leaving the kids for the other person to deal with. So it's only ok if both parents get time to themselves, not just the father.

Dotjones · 09/08/2023 09:48

At least he's showing his ability to commit to something. If he started flaking out on the football commitments it would raise questions about whether he'd also start being flakey over family duties and you'd have to wonder whether he'd stick around very long.

MisschiefMaker · 09/08/2023 09:50

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 09:43

@MisschiefMaker why is it usually the woman who has to do the accommodating. I don’t know any football game that starts at lunchtime and goes on until 9pm but OP’s husband has obviously found one, so he can opt out of parenting.

Actually you are right, I hadn't registered how long he'd be out for. That's a crazy long game.
My DH plays football and is out for 3hrs (including post match drinks).

MisschiefMaker · 09/08/2023 09:53

But I suppose there are two separate questions 1) is he neglecting family responsibilities due to football and 2) is it acceptable for him to ask the birthday to be moved to Sunday.

Question 1 is the more important question and if OP decides the answer is 'no' then I think the answer to 2 would be 'yes'.

lemonyellows · 09/08/2023 09:55

Wouldn't bother me. We always have a birthday weekend concept so it would still work fine.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/08/2023 09:58

lemonyellows · 09/08/2023 09:55

Wouldn't bother me. We always have a birthday weekend concept so it would still work fine.

Of course it would bother you if your partner was spending that long out of the house every single Saturday and felt his commitment to the team was more important than his own child's birthday. The fact she's little this year and the birthday trip could be the next day with no fuss isn't the point it's the fact he sees no problem in missing his child's birthday for a a game of football and a piss up.

Youdoyoutoday · 09/08/2023 10:01

His own child's birthday should be the priority. 1 match missed won't kill him or the team.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 11:15

YourNameGoesHere · 09/08/2023 09:58

Of course it would bother you if your partner was spending that long out of the house every single Saturday and felt his commitment to the team was more important than his own child's birthday. The fact she's little this year and the birthday trip could be the next day with no fuss isn't the point it's the fact he sees no problem in missing his child's birthday for a a game of football and a piss up.

Show quote history

I love the way that you have just told @lemonyellows what would bother her! That's not weird at all. Oh no.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/08/2023 11:18

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 11:15

I love the way that you have just told @lemonyellows what would bother her! That's not weird at all. Oh no.

Show quote history

Of course it would bother her, it would bother anyone if their partner was spending that long out the house every week and ignoring their family and saying it wouldn't is just daft.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 11:25

YourNameGoesHere · 09/08/2023 11:18

Of course it would bother her, it would bother anyone if their partner was spending that long out the house every week and ignoring their family and saying it wouldn't is just daft.

Show quote history

Well, my DH was/is out of the house that long every week during the summer, playing cricket, then during the winter he goes to do another sport all day on Sunday, whilst I would spend my Saturdays playing my sport.

As a sporty family, we know lots of couples who do the same. So you're wrong.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 11:42

@Strugglingtodomybest where were your children in this?

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 11:46

I'm surprised at all the "cool wives" on this thread. FFS, it's a hobby. He should WANT to spend his daughter's birthday with her. I just can't comprehend a parent who would choose for birthdays (and weekends) to revolve around a sport and the doormat partner that would let them. I play a team sport and shockingly if something crops up, I send my apologies and duck out. We utilise the concept of "substitutes" in this sport so we have 1 or 2 people in the team more than we need for such occasions. Crazy, I know.

Survey99 · 09/08/2023 12:11

I'm surprised at all the "cool wives" on this thread. FFS, it's a hobby. He should WANT to spend his daughter's birthday with her.

I have not spent every dc birthday as a full day out with my dc, sometimes through necessity sometimes through choice - does that make me some sort of neglectful parent?

You do know it is not mandatory it had to be on the day and is NOTHING to do with his dd and EVERYTHING to do with his wife being inflexible on a date. There is no reason why they can't do the Sunday, there are valid reasons the Saturday is not ideal, she just WANTs the Saturday.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 12:14

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 11:42

@Strugglingtodomybest where were your children in this?

What do you mean?

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 12:17

@Survey99 you don't the DH is being inflexible at all. It is a casual football team not his job.

@Strugglingtodomybest if you were out doing sport all the time where were your children, if you have any, especially when they were little like OP's

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 12:20

He should WANT to spend his daughter's birthday with her.

Why should he? Just because you feel that way about birthday's, doesn't mean everyone should or does. Anyway, if they move it to the Sunday it's a win-win. He gets to play sport and she gets to spend the day with her dad on her 'birthday'.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/08/2023 12:22

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 12:17

@Survey99 you don't the DH is being inflexible at all. It is a casual football team not his job.

@Strugglingtodomybest if you were out doing sport all the time where were your children, if you have any, especially when they were little like OP's

As I said, in winter, I played on a Saturday, DH on a Sunday. Therefore, kids were taken care of by DH on a Saturday, me on a Sunday. In the summer, DH played on a Saturday, leaving me to look after them, and then both free to look after them on Sundays.

PuppyMonkey · 09/08/2023 12:23

FFS it’s football, it should always get dropped if something else crops up. Because it’s bloody football. Kicking a ball for fun.

Codlingmoths · 09/08/2023 12:24

I’d have it on the Saturday, but when we were dating many years ago he didn’t want to go away for the weekend during the season. I pointed out his team mates took holidays with their girlfriends so it was just him putting his girlfriend last and I’d rather go find a relationship where I could have weekends away between March and October, and he realised that was a dingbat move and decided I was worth missing a match for. So I am happy for him to play football but if something on every weekend becomes more important than our family then my support for it drops off a cliff. It’s your daughters birthday. Maybe you wanted to do something on Sunday- go book a catch up with a friend. It is not always that you make family stuff fit in with the time that he is home and also any of your stuff. Start making a pattern of him prioritising family sometimes instead of everyone working around him.

Codlingmoths · 09/08/2023 12:25

Also, has he thought about and bought some presents? If he hasn’t done anything, point that out. Say a little respect for your role would be nice and if he can’t find time on the Saturday that’s his daughters birthday then what is he doing for her birthday? Existing?

Diddykong · 09/08/2023 12:42

This isn't really the point but if it's a theme parks then Thursday might be better as there will be fewer people there.

Rewis · 09/08/2023 13:01

I coach adult women's football. Some of who has kids. We've had little ones on the bench with subs making sure they don't run away. We've had mom's miss out on some things cause they need to sort something out. We have training and games but they never take so much time as it seems like men's team need.

Nokiding · 09/08/2023 13:19

Why can't you just have the event on Sunday? He'd be letting his team down to miss a game

Augend23 · 09/08/2023 13:30

UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 20:51

YABU

I am just sad as for me, her birthday would take priority

But he is still happy to do what you want to do to celebrate her birthday. It is pretty normal to arrange any celebration (day out or party) for a day / time that is convenient for the people you want to be there.
If her birthday happened to fall on a weekday, you would presumably be doing the day out at the weekend ? How is it different?

For those who struggle to understand the commitment of being part of a team, does it make it any easier to understand if you were an integral part of a music trio ? string quartet ? bell ringing group ? guide leading team (or BB or GB or Scouts etc?) Barber shop quartet ? Percussionist in an orchestra? I know there are some posters that see the word 'football' so are automatically against it, but it doesn't negate the fact that he has a commitment on the one day, so it just makes sense to go on the other, when they are both free.

I have friends who are part of many of the above things: bell ringing groups have multiple people covering different bells, or no one could ever be sick or take a holiday. Quartets don't book gigs on dates where they have other plans (like their children's birthdays). Same for scout leaders. If it clashed it would be a negotiation to if it was feasible not an assumption you could go.

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