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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband dropped not play football?

170 replies

Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 08:58

My husband plays football on a Tuesday and Saturday afternoon (so on a Saturday is usually out between 1/2 and 9pm).
It is our daughters third birthday at the beginning of October.
I have suggested that we go out for the day to a theme park (one that is suitable for her age) on the Saturday (which is the day of her birthday).
I have told him in advance as I know he gets annoyed about doing things on a Saturday.
He has suggested to do it on the Sunday... I know she won't know but that isn't the date of her birthday.
AIBU to want him to not go to football on her birthday and spend the whole day with his daughter?

OP posts:
sandybeaches · 08/08/2023 10:06

You’ve got some odd replies here I feel OP.

I once posted years ago about how I was struggling with baby twins & toddler & my husband wanted to play cricket on the weekends. Loads of unexpected replies about how he must love the game, and how they would let their husband because it’s good for him. My fav was why don’t I take the kids along to watch. I look back at that & laugh.

When you have children & go off do something else you are asking your partner to carry a heavier load so you can do so. This is ok & each of you must do it for each other so that you can pursue interests & have a break. But it’s every bloody weekend for him. Do you go off every weekend for hours?
Anyway, I have digressed a bit as I have a bee in my bonnet about this. Sick of seeing friend struggle at home with babies every weekend as partners cycles/crickets/hockeys half the weekend (whilst having been off working all week) because they’ve always loved it and must keep interests/need a break too. Women often sacrifice themselves to support men’s higher paid work mid week & their fun at the weekend. Fuck that.

It’s your daughter’s birthday. He should prioritise spending it with her. He just doesn’t want to miss football because likes it. If it was some other ‘commitment’ that he didn’t enjoy so much, bet your bottom dollar he’d get out of it. You’re only asking him to miss one day. YANBU.

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:12

Far too much time away for a hobby with a young family, 8 hours every Saturday. Just unacceptable full stop.

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 10:27

@Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream

how old is your other child?

I would just make sure he's up as soon as she is & make a a big fuss of her and have a birthday breakfast/brunch/lunch (whatever suits). Open her presents & do whatever low key thing she wants to do (park/swimming/play with her toys/bike ride etc) then when he goes to football do much of the same, let her choose what's for tea, play in the bath, read extra stories, just low key special afternoon/evening.

Then Sunday at the theme park.

she'll have a brilliant birthday.

in future you'll have to fit in the celebration around work & school. Make as much fuss of them on their birthdays as you can & plan the day out/party on the weekend. That's normal.

it's just luck when they fall on a 'day off' for everyone.

Original poster
Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream · 08/08/2023 12:25

Thank you for all your replies.
He gets so annoyed when I book anything on the weekend. But I do like him having something that he enjoys doing.
He does tell me I can do something on the Sunday and he will look after them, so I can't complain.
We both work full time, so I would hate to not see my children on the Sunday.
My children are nearly three and four.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/08/2023 12:35

He sounds like an extra kid for you to manage- you like that he has something he likes to do! Does he like that you have no downtime from looking after the kids? He sounds selfish tbh. It’s not ok for him to be absent every Saturday when he has two children imo

useless1000 · 08/08/2023 12:58

Moving the birthday to a different day wouldn't bother me and is something we regularly do if it falls on an unsuitable day (school day with club after or in the middle of a holiday away etc) but I would be disappointed if dh prioritised himself and his own fun over dc every week

msbevvy · 08/08/2023 13:05

Is your daughter getting presents that she'll want to play with? If that's the case it might work out better if the day out is the day after her birthday. You can have a nice birthday brunch and give her the presents. She can then enjoy them rather than being whisked off for a day out straight afterwards.
Next year her birthday will be on the Sunday anyway.

gannett · 08/08/2023 13:06

What on earth is the problem with doing it on the Sunday?

Only on MN are people obsessed with celebrating birthdays rigidly on the actual day. In real life most people are happy to celebrate the day before, day after, nearest weekend, even the following week - whatever best fits around the rest of life.

stuckdownahole · 08/08/2023 13:30

If the Sunday works just as well, and she's young enough to not care about the exact date, it seems churlish to insist that he drops his existing commitment on Saturday.

The fact that he is always absent for a large portion of the weekend for presumably 8/9 months of the year is a different issue. It seems like it would be more productive to discuss that behaviour separately rather than allocating this upcoming weekend as a punishment for it.

Twilightstarbright · 08/08/2023 13:30

We moved DS’ birthday this year and celebrated a day early (5). He didn’t notice and had a great time.

I think a PP coined it, does he accept that you can do it now but not in the future or does he think his hobby comes above everything? I’m in a team sport myself so I completely understand the level of commitment, but I also didn’t play for a few years when it simply wasn’t compatible with family life.

FloofCloud · 08/08/2023 13:33

I'm really relaxed about these things, the Sunday is fine, it's a birthday weekend, as long as there's plans then maybe do a tea party Saturday and day out Sunday

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/08/2023 13:37

Just move it to the Sunday. Your 3yo won't care that it's the day after.

TunnocksOrDeath · 08/08/2023 13:51

If your daughter doesn't mind celebrating on the Sunday (it is HER birthday after all) then maybe he could just go to football, not hang around, come back and make a fuss of her, and then you could all go out for a nice day together on Sunday, on the understanding that if this happens at a point where she WOULD mind, then everyone does their best to celebrate on the "right" day.

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/08/2023 13:57

@SleepingStandingUp

Strugglingtodomybest · Today 09:07

I'd move it to the Sunday. Like you said, she won't know. It would be different if she was older, but at the moment it doesn't matter so what's the point of missing football?

But he's going to barely see her on her birthday because football matters more
That's the issue

I don't see that as an issue though, and I don't see it as football mattering more, more a case of you can easily do both so why cause problems? She's too young to realise that Saturday is her birthday, just move it to Sunday and the problem is solved.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 13:58

MN is playing up so I can't respond to specific posts.

If he goes to football as usual he won't be with his daughter on her birthday and will sulk if the @Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream presses the point. How childish is that?
And I doubt his mental health will suffer that much missing one day. Doesn't being with his family do anything for his mental health? (who coined that bloody expression anyway?)

She has also said that he appears to play for a casual team where it's not the end of the world if players miss a session

And I'd be bloody furious if the only decent day of weather that weekend was the Saturday and they couldn't go out.

I hate to be sexist but seriously, how many mothers miss their children's birthdays for any reason except work?

Gerrataere · 08/08/2023 14:03

Bloody men and their ‘hobbies’. What a hobby usually is is simply another excuse to not partake in family time outside of work. Do you have a hobby that takes up hours, @Cakeandbiscuitsandicecream ? Does he take the kids whilst you do things every weekend for your ‘mental health’?

How has he been with older children of birthdays fall on football days? Sorry but unless football is his actual income then having a kick about is really not as important as his kid’s birthday or any other matter that may eat into his hobby’s time.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/08/2023 14:16

Bloody men and their ‘hobbies’. What a hobby usually is is simply another excuse to not partake in family time outside of work. Do you have a hobby that takes up hours

This! And then people say, well you both need equal leisure time. My hobbies were home based. And no matter how hard l tried to devote 6 full hours to them, dc would always find me.

LunaMay · 08/08/2023 14:17

At this age i'd move it to Sunday. Do something nice on the Saturday morning for her Birthday as a family. Special breakfast? Set up a mini pancake bar or something?

I think posters asking what you do for your hobby is irrelevant, fact is he has one.

purplecorkheart · 08/08/2023 14:21

I would move it to Sunday this year but as she gets older and her birthday clashes with football then he skips it.

RightOnTheEdge · 08/08/2023 14:28

The OP has said that her husband will have them on a Sunday so she can go do something, but as usual some posters are too busy frothing to bother to read her posts properly 🙄

I think it would be fine to do it on Sunday OP. Make sure he's up early to open presents and have a nice breakfast on the Saturday morning though, so he can have some quality time with you all before he goes.
If you are really unhappy about it though then have a proper talk with him as it sounds like his football is quite casual.

MuggleMe · 08/08/2023 14:28

I think it's a real shame for you to have to look after your dc solo on their birthday. You want it to be a nice day even if you're not going out. And that's easier achieved with two willing parents.

usernother · 08/08/2023 14:29

This is all about you OP. Not your daughter. She won't know what day her birthday is on and it doesn't matter at her age. Have the trip out on the Sunday.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 08/08/2023 14:30

This is why not liking football has always been a criteria for me in a partner!

BLT24 · 08/08/2023 14:30

I would ask him to stop going on Saturdays full stop. He’s still gets to play Tuesday and perhaps he could play another night when the kids are in bed. I’d don’t think it’s in the children best interest that he chooses to be away from them for the best part of a whole day every week and like you said it massively restricts you doing anything on your own or you lose family time together.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 08/08/2023 20:20

I hate these people with a passion. Is he a professional footballer? no. but let’s justify spending days away from family and with the lads… great father figure too