WWYD if your husband...

[Secondplace]

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

Didn’t occur to me either. Big mistake.

Absolutely not. You believe everyone has your low standards, they don’t.

@HowToSaveAWife, if you think that the phrase 'I'd have to delete half the messages on this phone' is a uniquely Irish one, it really isn't. The phrase 'Ah we're only having a laugh', sounds more Irish, but that isn't what the OP said. And there is no need to bow down to me, I was just pointing out to you that I'm as Irish as you are.

Well, interesting you attribute Christian Rudder’s work to me. I suppose it is flattering to be someone so industrious.

My comment didn’t actually say anything on the sharing of photos, it was specifically about a judgement on the recorded preferences. As you don’t dispute the data is it good to know you agree with my conclusion.

If the evidence is correct and the OP has a fundamental issue with not just the behaviour but the underlying attraction, then the answer is to avoid all men.

Good to see we agree.

My shitty standards! says someone who has suggested women posting on their sm should expect grubby men to perv over them on private chats.

They are just titillating the poor menz.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I highly doubt that he didn't use that number! He is a grown man, and anyone who behaves like him, always fears being caught, so he's no exception and said all the right things to this girl just in case you ever saw the messages. Probably also kept the messages as a testament to his innocence when he gets caught revelling in nastiness.

I truly never thought of that. Now I'm worried you're right...

Why were you snooping on his phone in the first place? In your own words ‘had a good look through’.

Earlier in the day he had taken a video of our DD and I wanted it to send to my mum. I asked him for the phone and he seemed odd when I asked and sort of delayed/dithered before he handed it over. We have never been territorial with our phones/know each others passwords and just hand them over no problem if the other needs it, so this didn't sit right with me. He's never worked away before so acting in a different way after being away in another country sounded some sort of alarm in me I guess. So I went back later on, went back through the camera roll, saw a photo of three girls in bikinis and that's when I "had a good look through".

Because they are away from home and perving on young women? The sex industry is very big business, more men then you know are contributing to it.

Why arrange to go camping when he's back after being away for 6mths?! Even without the current problem it would seem odd timing as he's going back in a couple of weeks.

The camping was booked and paid for months ago, we thought he wouldn't be home this week but had a change of roster since. He also hasn't been away for the entire six months - he was back for a couple of weeks in May.

I'd be very very unhappy about this. Best case scenario is he's just joining in the 'banter' and thinks it's harmless. Worst case - he's a raging misogynist. I think I would confront him if I was in your shoes and if he got angry and defensive, I'd really have to think about whether this was a man I wanted raising my daughters.

Everyone, given half the chance, would look at their partner's phone and sm particularly the ones who live away from their families for months on end. To say otherwise is bollocks.

I have ample opportunity every day and I’ve never felt the urge to snoop.

Fine. Each to their own. I'd draw the line at spyware, microphones and stalking movement on apps <obviously> but a phone? Meh.

If more people did it perhaps they'd be like the op and find out stuff they had no idea about. Blind trust/head in the sands mentality is crazy.

I've never snooped either BUT I would if I thought there was something iffy going on. Why deliberately leave yourself in the dark?

Also, having lived in Dubai where lots of men were working away from home, leaving their wives and kids back in their home countries, affairs were absolutely the norm. It's naive to assume that in that kind of environment - somewhere with lots of temptation where you're unlikely to be caught cheating - everyone behaves like saints. Most don't.

So what were the comments, Op?

It was a passing thought and a question, and I've explained why. That's it. Why are you labouring this? Are you quite alright?

Yes I think your analysis is right @railmaternity. He knows plenty of men in his industry who have worked away/done FIFO work and there is lots of infidelity and marriages often fall apart. It's very common, he has spoken of it often over the years and said he would never work away. It not good etc. but as I said earlier he seemed to turn a bit weird at 40.

I suppose in his defense there was initially discussion of all of us moving out there but in the end I said said no I didn't want to move the DC so far from family etc. covid had a major impact on his work and he was under genuine pressure financially (was self-employed) and he was given an offer out of the blue that probably sounded like a lifeline. I still don't think the man from five years ago would have taken that offer though. He would have taken the hit financially and muddled through so as not to work away. I work, we have no mortgage, no one would have starved.

None of his family/friends thought it was a good idea and he has faced quite a bit of judgement from them but off he went anyway. That choice definitely destabilised my faith in him somewhat, even before the phone stuff.

Sex workers deliberately go to places where men are away from home (e.g. mining) precisely because it's a good area for business.

My husband worked away from home for years, but only in the week. I felt fine about it as we had a huge amount of opportunity to cheat due to our jobs and international travel anyway (for both of us) so there wasn't any need to police his activities. He was always where he said he would be, nothing alarming in his behaviour and honest about meeting up with both male and female friends. Didn't go through his phone on purpose but it was always available to me and I used it to make calls.

This would just completely put me off someone. I know most men behave differently when not around their partners, including the nice seeming middle-class ones as I was in a big group with them for years socially and I know all the dirty secrets (sadly), the main one being that what goes on on a stag do or when away for work stays hidden by the group.

I would really be struggling with the idea of him getting ready to go back to that culture and that behaviour in a couple of weeks, OP. If you don't raise the issue now, you'll be miserable 'wondering' the whole time he's gone. You need to know where you two stand.

This is presumably a sackable offence if he gets found out? Someone I know got fired for gross misconduct for doing this exact thing to their colleagues. So you may not only have a disgusting pervert for a husband, but an unemployed one if he isn’t careful.

I never say I’d leave but in this situation I absolutely would. It’s worse than cheating for me. I would consider this sexually assaulting colleagues. It makes me feel so disgusted to think of men doing this in a workplace.

I think like pp said, you should print out these messages, present them to him so there’s no chance he’ll try and wriggle out of it, and then discuss how you will cope financially when he also gets fired like his mate, or the company collapses due to the big boss man also acting like a horny teenager.

I’d struggle to get past it for sure but you may find that his attitude when confronted seals it one way or the other.

Otherwise give it some time before leaping into action on the divorce front. The revulsion you feel now may subside with time if you trust that he’s not still doing it while he’s away.

I think the bottom line, OP, is that the man you married is not the man you thought you had married, and this one has mentally checked out from the marriage anyway. The odds that he has been physically unfaithful are extremely high.

Personally I couldn't get past this. Let's face it, there's not much difference between mental infidelity and physical infidelity - he still wants to fuck someone else.

Pervy fired guy sends pic of girl "This one is starting next week 🤤 bet she'll be a good goer 😎

there's gaps in the replies so they were definitely deleted as they don't match up and my H says the thing about having to delete half the messages on his phone before he comes home. Fired guy says "you were complaining to me about not sharing the nice staff with you, I can't win"

Fired guy sends bikini photos of three girls who are starting on his site. Says they'll have no problem getting lads on site now.

My H sends this bikini pic to director "Why is X getting these on his site and I get John, I don't think that's fair!"

Director: 😂😂😂 You'd get nothing done if we sent them to you!

H: "True. Luckily for you my hunting days are over or I'd be like a sheepdog disappearing for a week" (WTF even is this?!)

Fired guy to group: "This one is looking for a start if there's any room" another picture of another girl who was looking for work as a machine driver.

Lots of "Fuck me. 🥵🥵🥵 We can make room. Doesn't matter if she can drive" etc.

Fired guy sends pic of girl slightly overweight who is starting the next week "this one is for H's site"

H: "cunts! You'd need rsj under the bed to keep her up" (had to google that one Rolled Steel Joist apparently)

Cue lots of construction talk innuendo that I don't fully understand but I'm sure you get the picture. There's more but they are all in the same vein. And the photos were shared with other guys and more of the same talk.

Thoughts?

That's where my thinking is these days too. Its taken me 64 years to see this, but once you do, there's no going back.

Yuck. Horrible.

Of course I'm quite alright. You're the one being rude, not me.