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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
Idontwannadance1 · 10/08/2023 09:49

My outlook on this with my grandchildren is, they never have to kiss or cuddle me when I visit but they should always say goodbye. We live a long way away from all our grandchildren and don’t see them very often and thankfully they always love their kisses and cuddles. One of my grandsons often asks either one of his mummies if he can video call me just for kissed cuddles which is amazing but I’m sure the novelty will wear off sooner or later.

Heyhoitsme · 10/08/2023 10:16

I am a granny and gave never asked for hug but the parents have always said "give granny a hug" when they're leaving. I actually feel uncomfortable that the children feel obliged to give hugs. Kisses are out if the question.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 10/08/2023 10:18

Things have changed over the years too, during Covid we weren’t even hugging or kissing anyone outside the house! We were Fist Bumping and blowing kisses over Zoom, these became the new ways of saying goodbye.. You mentioned she may have had a drink after she sent the text!! 😀 I guess think of it as a gremlin and should drink or text after midnight! 🥰

Mumgonenuts2020 · 10/08/2023 10:21

*should NOT text or drink after midnight! 😉

Margie70 · 10/08/2023 10:25

My offspring now in their 40s were always given the option of their greeting and goodbyes, which was disconcerting for the grandparents but I believe in that autonomy - I also refused to allow the “I’ve brought you a present, give me a kiss for it”! NO,NO,NO!

pollymere · 10/08/2023 10:52

I feel for you. Mine's got Sensory Processing Disorder and has just been in hospital. I wasn't allowed to hug or kiss them just fist bump.

Your MIL is being totally disrespectful. Your children should never be forced to hug or kiss anyone. They cannot learn it's optional and have body autonomy if they're being forced to hug or kiss anyone. And people have been forced to hug and kiss adults sexually abusing them in the past after being told you must hug Uncle or Aunty or Grandpa.

My IL did eventually get it but only after lots of snide "oh yes, you don't do hugs do you?" comments. Perhaps try to explain to MIL that you are sure she's had unwanted attention in her life and that letting children choose who they hug and kiss will not turn them into brats. Hey, they were blowing kisses which is more than mine would do. Just persevere. As your kids get older, they'll take the lead. And watch the clip from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey with Grandma's Kisses in... And get MIL to do the same!

Z1hun · 10/08/2023 11:43

Absolutely not. My MIL is the same and I hate that she tries to kiss my 1yr old. I know she's young but we tell my MIL that we are trying to teach her consent and being expected to kiss anyone is not consent if she doesn't want to. Starting her young, I know.

TheBigFatMermaid · 10/08/2023 11:52

I have two granddaughters. 1 is happy to kiss and not hug, the other is happy to give a quick hug, while not being hugged back but not kiss.

I'd rather what they do do is done willingly and with love than guilt or emotionally blackmailing them.

I love that my daughter and SIL have given the the confidence to set their own boundaries and not let anyone overstep them.

Anyway, the pictures they drew for me to take on a recent stay in hospital show their love for me and will last a long time!

NatashaDancing · 10/08/2023 12:14

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/08/2023 07:33

That's totally ick and a load of rubbish. Saying goodbye is just a polite thing to do whether you like or hate someone. It's nothing to do with love. What if your child doesn't love his grandparents? Does that mean he doesn't need to say goodbye?

Children find their own ways of expressing love. Any form of enforced greeting whether that be a hug or a wave is not demonstration of anything other than social etiquette

If nanny wants a hug it's up to her to build the relationship with the child to the point where that naturally occurs. Being forced to kiss and hug unfamiliar grandparents is more likely to have the opposite effect, make the child dread seeing them.

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Agreed - the suggestions by ZippingZebra about "showing love" are just as manipulative.

Brutalass · 10/08/2023 12:39

Just NO! Their bodies, their minds, their personal space and absolutely their decision.

I think you got it spot on.

I say block her. Let your DH deal with her. My MIL forces herself on my kids and whilst my son tolerates her to some extent my daughter pretty much has estranged herself. They both have a tentative relationship at best. I honestly think that people need to realise that relationships cannot be forced!

We chose who we chose. Family, friends ... our people are our people and we cuddle and kiss who we please and only who WE please definitely NOT those who are forced upon us!

Stick to your guns for your kids sakes until they can stand up for themselves.

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 12:55

After reading a few responses here it seems I'm the only one thinking you are being a bit precious sorry to day. It's their own grandmother ffs. I know it can be a bit weird dealing with the MIL sometimes , how's your relationship with her?

I think we are more tolerant of how our own mothers deal with our kids. But if I know my mother in law likes something, I try and respect that and would encourage the kids before she has to say something , a little whisper in their ear , " go and give granny a kiss and a cuddle, you know she likes it" nothing wrong wirh showing affection, and being a kind, loving person.

I wouldn't do this with strangers though, how you handled it with granny is how I would be with acquaintances who were demanding cuddles and kisses from my babies.

monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 13:03

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 12:55

After reading a few responses here it seems I'm the only one thinking you are being a bit precious sorry to day. It's their own grandmother ffs. I know it can be a bit weird dealing with the MIL sometimes , how's your relationship with her?

I think we are more tolerant of how our own mothers deal with our kids. But if I know my mother in law likes something, I try and respect that and would encourage the kids before she has to say something , a little whisper in their ear , " go and give granny a kiss and a cuddle, you know she likes it" nothing wrong wirh showing affection, and being a kind, loving person.

I wouldn't do this with strangers though, how you handled it with granny is how I would be with acquaintances who were demanding cuddles and kisses from my babies.

What if the child genuinely doesn't want to though? Why should they have to kiss or hug someone just because they're related? Why isn't it equally acceptable to you that they say 'bye grandma!' and wave?

It's bizarre to demand children provide physical affection on demand if they don't want to.

Poorlymumma · 10/08/2023 13:10

If you want to try and remedy the situation I would reply:

"Really didn't mean to upset you. I am just trying to teach my children about consent. Not making them hug/kiss if they don't want to is in line with modern parenting advice and nothing against you specifically."

And then maybe find and forward an article to her that explains it more. I'm sure there is something out there online that you could find and send on to her, to make her realise this is a mainstream way of thinking and not just something you've made up.

MrsCooper84 · 10/08/2023 13:18

She wouldn’t be allowed back into my house until she apologised and understood that my children are human beings who will NOT hug and kiss ANYONE if it doesn’t feel right.
Your child’s reaction by waving and blowing a kiss is so cute but the fact that a child this young is having to ‘bargain’ with their Grandparent because the woman said “I’ll think you won’t love me if you don’t kiss me” is very very worrying. How strange.
What a great influence.
I wouldn’t let anyone speak about my child the way she did over text either. Sorry that you have to deal with this woman.
Like I said, apology and understand or off she fucks xx

JenWillsiam · 10/08/2023 13:43

FancyFanny · 09/08/2023 21:40

Meh, offering a cheek for a quick kiss is no big deal- it's a polite commonly accepted greeting amongst family, not a violation of your body!

It is if forced.

gmor6787 · 10/08/2023 13:53

I am a grandmother and love it when my DGC give me a hug but I would never insist on one, I leave it to them to make the first move. If I get a hug from my 11 year old grandson I’m thrilled, he isn’t tactile in any way.

Diorama1 · 10/08/2023 13:54

I never really thought about this until we were with family one day and DH's sister told her kids to hug and kiss my DH goodbye (he is their uncle obviously). DH immediately said to the kids "or a high five if you prefer". He said to me afterwards that he thinks it is so wrong to force children to have physical contact with relations and children should always know they have the option of not doing it. I could see immediately that he was right but it hadnt occurred to me before.
I now tell my children to say goodbye and they choose how to do that. Mostly to be fair they give a hug but I never tell them to do so.
We can give mixed messages to children it is too confusing. I would rather my parents be upset than a child feel they must engage in physical contact when they dont want to.

Ohgollymolly · 10/08/2023 14:52

Eww. So if another adult forcefully kissed you (or worse) despite saying no, you’d be cool with that?

Popcornready · 10/08/2023 15:29

Yanbu my son is now 20 and hated being hugged ect we advocated for him with extended family and told them no, mil was stroppy about it but tough, he’s a kind caring and well rounded young man he now does hug occasionally on his terms, no one should ever be forced to have physical contact or otherwise if they choose not to, your doing the right thing and keep doing so 👍🏻

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 16:40

monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 13:03

What if the child genuinely doesn't want to though? Why should they have to kiss or hug someone just because they're related? Why isn't it equally acceptable to you that they say 'bye grandma!' and wave?

It's bizarre to demand children provide physical affection on demand if they don't want to.

Show quote history

Well of course, if my child really objected to it , of course I would not force it, I agree that's not ok, but this is not just someone, it's their grandma , and i might be wondering why they don't want to be showing affection to their own granny. I'd find that very odd. I'd explain that a hug makes granny feel loved. A grandma is a special person in their lives , in my opinion , don't you think?
But my kids have always given immediate family members a hug when we see them, it's no big deal. They also have a very special bond with my MiL and have stayed over regularly on weekends and during the holidays, my youngest calls her every night to say hi and ask her how her day was.

monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 17:13

Well of course, if my child really objected to it , of course I would not force it, I agree that's not ok, but this is not just someone, it's their grandma , and i might be wondering why they don't want to be showing affection to their own granny. I'd find that very odd. I'd explain that a hug makes granny feel loved. A grandma is a special person in their lives , in my opinion , don't you think?

Some people don't like hugging and kissing 🤷🏻‍♀️

The fact someone is special to them as a person doesn't mean they should have to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

You can show affection without hugging and kissing. OP's child waved and blew a kiss, for example, which is lovely and affectionate and very sweet.

If a child really doesn't want to do hugs and you make it clear you think that's odd, and tell them they aren't making granny feel loved if they don't hug her / that granny is special so should have hugs etc... you're pressurising a child to do something that makes them uncomfortable and teaching them that when it comes to physical contact, their 'no' doesn't mean 'no' and isn't good enough if a grown up wants them to hug or kiss them.

You say you wouldn't 'force' them but it certainly sounds like you wouldn't simply accept 'no thanks', but would instead encourage / push them to change their no thanks to an ok.

Think about the lesson that teaches children: "if you really care about me, you'd do this physical thing you don't want to do" / "if someone is sad you won't do a physical thing on demand, you're mean and stopping them feeling loved". Can you see how damaging a lesson that could be longer term?

NatashaDancing · 10/08/2023 17:16

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 12:55

After reading a few responses here it seems I'm the only one thinking you are being a bit precious sorry to day. It's their own grandmother ffs. I know it can be a bit weird dealing with the MIL sometimes , how's your relationship with her?

I think we are more tolerant of how our own mothers deal with our kids. But if I know my mother in law likes something, I try and respect that and would encourage the kids before she has to say something , a little whisper in their ear , " go and give granny a kiss and a cuddle, you know she likes it" nothing wrong wirh showing affection, and being a kind, loving person.

I wouldn't do this with strangers though, how you handled it with granny is how I would be with acquaintances who were demanding cuddles and kisses from my babies.

Ugh, sorry but ugh, is my genuine reaction to what you've just written.

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 17:52

NatashaDancing · 10/08/2023 17:16

Ugh, sorry but ugh, is my genuine reaction to what you've just written.

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Lol. You sound lovely

FuckertyFuckFuckfuckery · 10/08/2023 18:18

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 17:52

Lol. You sound lovely

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I must be lovely too as I agree with @NatashaDancing

CloseItAgain · 10/08/2023 18:38

And I!