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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive colleague?

157 replies

pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:38

I applied for a new role it’s a few bands higher but I am qualified within that field just haven’t had much hands on experience.

The position is a secondment so it is a learning opportunity also.

Colleague showed me her screen today and previous message was to our manager of her saying “s is not a band 5” so she feels im not good enough.

I called her out on this and she started crying right away and apologising.

we work together once a week but now I just feel very off about her.

Manager didn’t pull her up on this until I said which is also very shitty.

Aibu to not forgive her so easily? I don’t want to create a bad atmosphere but I just feel so angry.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 07/08/2023 21:41

In what context? On that message alone it looks as if she is just stating a fact rather than judging your competency. Was there more of the conversation that led you to that conclusion?

MiddleParking · 07/08/2023 21:41

People aren’t obliged to think you’re over performing in your job. I can’t really understand what you think she’s done wrong, except maybe been a bit daft in showing you her screen.

caerdydd12 · 07/08/2023 21:43

MiddleParking · 07/08/2023 21:41

People aren’t obliged to think you’re over performing in your job. I can’t really understand what you think she’s done wrong, except maybe been a bit daft in showing you her screen.

I agree with this

WhateverMate · 07/08/2023 21:44

Are you a band 5 or not?

Sorry, bit confused.

drpet49 · 07/08/2023 21:44

She is stating a fact and you have completely overreacted.

Original poster
pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:46

No I’m not a band 5, a secondment has came up which I applied for.

Colleague found out I had an interview and told our manager that she doesn’t think I’m a worthy of a band 5.

OP posts:
Gothambutnotahamster · 07/08/2023 21:46

If that's how she truly feels, then she has done nothing wrong. If she said it so that she'd get the job rather than you, then that's a totally different story & I understand why you'd be angry.

On the face of it, she's not said or done anything wrong.

Original poster
pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:47

How is it a fact? I worked hard for my qualifications why am I not worthy of that position? And why is she discussing this with my manager?

OP posts:
Howmuchfurther · 07/08/2023 21:47

You have to behave professionally towards her.

Never trust her again.

She will never be your friend.

She cried because she was caught doing something she knew was really bad.

Be friendly to her, as she has been to you, with no trust or friendship.

mynameiscalypso · 07/08/2023 21:48

Is she not just stating a fact? You're not a band 5.

Howmuchfurther · 07/08/2023 21:48

pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:47

How is it a fact? I worked hard for my qualifications why am I not worthy of that position? And why is she discussing this with my manager?

You are in the right.

She did something really bad.

Look after yourself.

I hope you have emotional support outside work?

caerdydd12 · 07/08/2023 21:49

What has she actually said? Has she said you aren't a band 5, or you're not worthy of a band 5?

And what was it in response to? Can you be positive your manager wasn't asking them their thoughts?

autienotnaughti · 07/08/2023 21:50

Yes it's meant as you are not good enough for the role. And to send it to your manager. You know now she's not your friend

Winterscomingagain · 07/08/2023 21:50

Do you know if your manager replied and who started the conversation. It's a horrible situation and she's no friend but if a conversation took place it certainly shouldn't have and you need to make it clear how annoyed you are.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 07/08/2023 21:50

By stating OP is not a band 5, she wasn’t stating a fact, she was saying that in her opinion ‘she’s not a band 5 material’ She was offering a judgement on OP potential.

cheeky shit and I’d be fucking mad too. Not her place.

Original poster
pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:50

She put a laughing face at the end of the message so she obviously found it amusing that I applied for a band 5 position.

OP posts:
nadine90 · 07/08/2023 21:51

Presumably this colleague has been asked her opinion by your manager, and she's entitled to share it. It's shit you saw it, but moving up several bands isn't usual and people will question if you're ready for that. Your application and interview are your opportunity to convince them you are.
I don't think being arsey or standoffish with this colleague will help you progress if her opinion matters to the manager. Think what you like of her privately, but keep it polite and friendly at work.

Original poster
pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:51

Manager didn’t reply to her message but she didn’t call her out either until I brought it up.

OP posts:
Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 07/08/2023 21:52

How the fuck do some people think someone gets to CEO? Not jumping bands? Of course talent jumps levels. You go for it OP

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/08/2023 21:53

If you want to move to band 5 and beyond you need to rise above the pettiness and backstabbing. The people who live their lives from one drama to the next embroiled in office politics and running to managers with "he said/she said" go precisely nowhere in life which is why they're so bitter. You don't need to pay any of this shit the time of day. You're better than that. You're going places. She's not.

Fizzadora · 07/08/2023 21:53

Well unless your manager asked your colleague for her opinion on your competency (and if she did, how unprofessional of her) then why on earth would your colleague presume to inform your manager that she doesn't think you are worthy of promotion?
You would not be at all unreasonable to be seriously pissed off with her and with your manager for dealing with it so poorly.
Goo luck for your interview.

Original poster
pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:54

@Applesaarenttheonlyfruit thank you
x

I think they are all obsessed with banding and I don’t see it that way.

OP posts:
nadine90 · 07/08/2023 21:54

Sorry cross posted with your "laughing emoji" update. Yes, that is of course unprofessional and bitchy. Just keep your relationship strictly professional going forward, you know she's not a friend

TennisWithDeborah · 07/08/2023 21:56

She sounds pathetic.

You don’t have to forgive her. Be polite and professional but no more.

Walesagogo · 07/08/2023 21:58

What a cf. Its not up to her to make a judgement on what you can or can't do. That's totally the managers job. Unless she supervises you then the manager shouldn't be discussing it.
Just because you're not currently at that band it doesn't mean you're not capable of it. She's obviously feeling threatened by you applying.
I'd not forgive her but don't act anything other than professional. Rise above it and just be very wary of what you say to her in future as she's obviously not to be trusted. Lucky to only have to to tolerate her for one day a week! You go get that darn job now!