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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive colleague?

157 replies

pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:38

I applied for a new role it’s a few bands higher but I am qualified within that field just haven’t had much hands on experience.

The position is a secondment so it is a learning opportunity also.

Colleague showed me her screen today and previous message was to our manager of her saying “s is not a band 5” so she feels im not good enough.

I called her out on this and she started crying right away and apologising.

we work together once a week but now I just feel very off about her.

Manager didn’t pull her up on this until I said which is also very shitty.

Aibu to not forgive her so easily? I don’t want to create a bad atmosphere but I just feel so angry.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 08/08/2023 00:26

Go for it, learn from it and keep aiming for what you want.

ReturnoftheMuck · 08/08/2023 01:40

Internally you don't have to forgive her but you do have to be professional. Any "do you forgive me? I'm so sorry" should be met with "I don't wish to discuss it any further" and leave it at that. Breathe and move on.

Step back from the over friendliness, it sounds like they were both bitching about you. Just make a note of it in case they were to act unfavourably against you in future and it builds a picture.

Work colleagues are usually not friends, no matter how much you might want them to be and they seem that way.

Mojodojocasahaus · 08/08/2023 01:59

Fuck her and your manager.

Get out of there and on with your career.

Id be polite but keep the both of them at arms length.

Honestly what is wrong with women. We have enough to contend with the patriarchy.

AliceOlive · 08/08/2023 02:08

With the emoji and the other additional info, it’s obviously quite shitty.

However, do you want to really level up? Ask her for feedback. “I’ve thought about what you wrote and wanted to know what you think I should be doing differently? Where do you think I can improve?”

Then make note and objectively evaluate her comments. Her response could be complete nonsense (in fact, I’ll bet it’s coming from a place of envy) but if you can do this without becoming emotional about you’ll be ahead of most everyone on the planet.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 02:21

Why are recruitment talking out of school too? This place sounds incredibly unprofessional! I don’t understand why she knew at all.

londonba · 08/08/2023 02:32

AliceOlive · 08/08/2023 02:08

With the emoji and the other additional info, it’s obviously quite shitty.

However, do you want to really level up? Ask her for feedback. “I’ve thought about what you wrote and wanted to know what you think I should be doing differently? Where do you think I can improve?”

Then make note and objectively evaluate her comments. Her response could be complete nonsense (in fact, I’ll bet it’s coming from a place of envy) but if you can do this without becoming emotional about you’ll be ahead of most everyone on the planet.

Don’t do this.

Only ask people for feedback if you find them insightful or aspirational in some way. This colleague might be on the same level as OP. They might not be able to provide any valuable feedback. Not everyone’s opinion is useful after all, especially when you have witnessed them behaving unprofessionally. Asking people for feedback feeds their ego.

Asking her for feedback in my view might make her feel legitimised in making the initial comment. She could can justify saying OP is not ready for promotion by twisting it to infer she gave OP feedback around the time that comment was posted. Suggesting OP was aware and she provided feedback to help her reach the promotion expectations. It’s enough to paint the situation in a different light if she makes it seem like she gave OP career advice and was a confidant.

Mikimoto · 08/08/2023 03:01

Maybe ask her why you're not band 5 level?
Because maybe you're not band 5 level.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 08/08/2023 03:32

pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:50

She put a laughing face at the end of the message so she obviously found it amusing that I applied for a band 5 position.

Ouch!

AliceOlive · 08/08/2023 04:23

londonba · 08/08/2023 02:32

Don’t do this.

Only ask people for feedback if you find them insightful or aspirational in some way. This colleague might be on the same level as OP. They might not be able to provide any valuable feedback. Not everyone’s opinion is useful after all, especially when you have witnessed them behaving unprofessionally. Asking people for feedback feeds their ego.

Asking her for feedback in my view might make her feel legitimised in making the initial comment. She could can justify saying OP is not ready for promotion by twisting it to infer she gave OP feedback around the time that comment was posted. Suggesting OP was aware and she provided feedback to help her reach the promotion expectations. It’s enough to paint the situation in a different light if she makes it seem like she gave OP career advice and was a confidant.

Show quote history

Who cares if she feels legitimized? I think you place too much importance on other people’s feelings. This woman has no power. her opinion isn’t something to fear.

SunRainStorm · 08/08/2023 04:28

What a bitch.

Hopefully you get the job and don't have to deal with her much longer.

Stillcantbebothered · 08/08/2023 04:49

drpet49 · 07/08/2023 21:44

She is stating a fact and you have completely overreacted.

How is it a fact? It’s an opinion which she should have kept to herself unless she was asked by the hiring manager but this looks like she was gossiping with their current manager.

Divebar2021 · 08/08/2023 04:53

I feel a query to HR may be in order to establish exactly how your application became known to someone uninvolved in the process. Typically I would never rope HR into to my office disagreements but that’s wholly unacceptable. The fact that she’s idiotic enough to write that down should indicate her level of intelligence. We all know that on occasion someone will talk shit about someone else ( warranted or not) but if they have any sense then they limit it to verbal only. Your line manager shouldn’t have engaged with it either.

Bozzicle · 08/08/2023 04:55

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 02:21

Why are recruitment talking out of school too? This place sounds incredibly unprofessional! I don’t understand why she knew at all.

Exactly this. There is no way they should be casually discussing who has applied for other positions in the company. The whole place sounds completely unprofessional and IMO is cause for submitting a grievance.

MyMonkeyDanced · 08/08/2023 05:55

If OP went for a secondment, they are meant to inform/get agreement from their manager that they can be released from the service in principle. It is routine for recruitment to clarify this with management prior to progressing the application as there have been many a time a person has been successful at interview but then needed to withdraw due to the service being unable to back fill the post. So recruitment may have not ‘talked out of school’. I once did something similar where I applied for a secondment whilst my manager was on Xmas leave. By the time I got back from my New Year leave she had been informed by recruitment and was not best pleased I hadn’t rang her at home to tell her I was going for it!

78Summer · 08/08/2023 06:03

Rise above. I had a similar situation recently where I temporarily was asked to cover a position and my colleague who lives and breathes her job, did not speak to me for three months. Screamed in my face and was basically making trouble.
I just think when you put your head above the pulpit people will take a swing at your neck so just ignore.

littleblackcat27 · 08/08/2023 06:09

pampaspot · 07/08/2023 21:46

No I’m not a band 5, a secondment has came up which I applied for.

Colleague found out I had an interview and told our manager that she doesn’t think I’m a worthy of a band 5.

Well - maybe you're not? That's her opinion, and her mistake was letting you find out what she said....

Gnomegnomegnome · 08/08/2023 06:15

Could she be jealous?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/08/2023 06:17

Be calm. Be professional and friendly.

but do not trust her! (<= goes for most colleagues, tbh)

YesIknowalready · 08/08/2023 06:22

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 07/08/2023 21:50

By stating OP is not a band 5, she wasn’t stating a fact, she was saying that in her opinion ‘she’s not a band 5 material’ She was offering a judgement on OP potential.

cheeky shit and I’d be fucking mad too. Not her place.

Yeah agree. Loathe the expression “ watch your back” but moving on from this, you’ll need to.

Good luck 🤞

LizzieLoO37 · 08/08/2023 06:51

Don't forget this. Don't trust her now. Focus on yourself and keep your plans and progress between you and your superiors. Good luck with the job application! x

LlynTegid · 08/08/2023 06:56

Someone who cannot keep something confidential would concern me alongside the comment. I'd just be professional and be careful about what is said.

You did the right thing to object, manager should have agreed with you.

BabyEl · 08/08/2023 07:16

Colleague unsolicited gave her opinion about your ability to a manager? she must be quite good friends with the manager, no to think she can do that? Laughing face implies they’ve discussed you before and think you’re a bit of a joke.

I’d consider reporting it to HR.

PackettInn · 08/08/2023 07:18

caerdydd12 · 07/08/2023 21:49

What has she actually said? Has she said you aren't a band 5, or you're not worthy of a band 5?

And what was it in response to? Can you be positive your manager wasn't asking them their thoughts?

I wondered this.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/08/2023 07:22

I really hope you get the secondment OP?

iolaus · 08/08/2023 07:35

Is it definitely referring to the job application or could it be down to something you have done/said recently which isn't isn't in your current role, I know I've heard comments about so and so thinks she's a band X (several bands above them - it's normally something stupid like band 57 which doesn't exist) just meaning she's acting like she's above everyone?