To assume this about people who hit their kids...

[NotDisciplineJustAbuse]

That they're probably not above hitting their wife/husband/partner etc or indeed their pets.

I don't buy into the 'discipline' crap as there are just far better ways of dealing with things. I'm sure smacking my husband every time he forgets to replace the loo roll could work but I was thankfully raised to use my big girl words and not rely on violence which will inevitably breed more violence.

I think a large factor is culture - someone who for example is British by birth and has a few generations here then yes it’s abnormal behaviour. Eastern cultures not so much. It is seen as discipline and there is a different mentality attached to it. Not saying it’s right. But I don’t think they would be generally violent people but who knows.

Not that long ago physical punishment was the norm in the uk but it didn’t mean everyone was violent to other adults too. Pets probably yes.

YANBU! People who hit their kids are bullies.

Hell will freeze over before I lay a finger on a person who is smaller and younger than me. Or anyone for that matter.

If you hit your kid, you’ve lost it and failed.

Well, obviously.

Yeah definitely agree. It's not about discipline; it's about abuse of power and/or a lack of self control. I believe that people who abuse children are absolutely likely to also abuse other people/animals who they hold a position of power over in a domestic setting.

It's certainly true in my personal experience, anecdotally.

Maybe it's because they were hit themselves as a child & they don't know any different?

I don’t agree with it but you can’t say kids aren’t really antisocial and badly behaved these days

I agree it is cultural.

Like most things, it’s very easy to see it from your own perspective which is rooted in your culture.

There are some cultures where whacking your child is not seen as abuse and violence but simply discipline.

Whether you fundamentally agree or disagree is irrelevant- there are cultures who using smacking as discipline and it does not come from a place of wanting to abuse, bully or hurt.

does is work as a form of discipline- probably not.

I got a smack on the bum and didn't do me any harm. I got brought up right. Was never grounded. I love my parents very much and don't hold it against them. I was a little shit at times

I think its about lack of emotional regulation. I don’t think people who hit their kids necessarily hit their partners or animals but I think they can’t cope well with frustration and have had poor models of conflict resolution. I don’t think it’s always about power (unless it’s systematic abuse that’s calculated). I think there are people who enjoy hurting others but I think thats different than people who have no effective parenting strategy and can’t cope with the level of stress children can bring without lashing out.

I have found the opposite is true for DH and I. We were both hit as children and it only made us more determined to find a kinder and more effective form of discipline for our own children.

SIL however does threaten to hit her children, but she is an awful person and a bully. If I found out she hit her partner I'd not be in the least bit surprised.

They’re violent bullying thugs, if they’re willing to hit a child they supposedly love, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they hit a partner or became violent after a few drinks on a night out.

Hmm, I am British as far back as can be traced and I was smacked as a child. It was normal in the 80s/90s I think, I definitely remember seeing other friends being smacked too.

I don’t agree with it, I have never hit my daughter and never will. I consider it abusive behaviour. And how can I teach my child that hitting is wrong if I hit her when she does something wrong/I lose my temper? Why wouldn’t she copy that behaviour with her peers?

It's just temprement and ego I think, my low point with little kids was being on a bus with my 3 when they were all being annoying, I didn't lash out, I just silently cried. I have seen someone lash out on the bus at a poor kid who had fallen asleep.

There are some people who think appearances matter more than anything, if the kid is/has shown them up, they will be punished. Even my mother who I loved greatly, slapped me once when I came in late. I mean I had been up to no good as a teenager, but probably not helpful.

Not only that it's easy to work out that their child will suffer trauma and is likely to be absued in other ways.

I don’t think my parents smacking me was abuse- sorry I don’t! I was never hit but I was smacked on the bum as a punishment.

Don't know. DPs smacked me as a child but didn't hit each other. It was normal in the 80s.

Have never felt the need to hit my own DCs.

I think growing up British and Irish it was part of our culture.

The only person I know who smacks her kids now also slapped her partner once. Horrid angry lady.

I was also smacked as a child (was born in 1985) and don't think my parents were abusive. I can only remember one occasion when I was smacked and I felt it was an injustice.

My mum and dad never hit each other either and rarely argued.

I think there are 2 distinct types - those that do it as a punishment because they believe it is a form of discipline and those that lash out when they lose their temper. The second category is by far the most dangerous IMO as they are not capable of control and could use excessive force, and are capable of hitting anyone who challenges them or upsets them. The first category are likely to use just enough force to stop the child repeating the action but not actually hurt or traumatise the child. It's not something I would do and I don't agree with it but all physical punishment isn't necessarily abuse IMO.

Often is cultural. If you're coming at this from a British angle then of course you'll be like, 'oh how horrid'. I'm south asian, my dad never hit us and wouldn't encourage us to hit our kids to discipline them either. He believes it desensitises kids and they'll act out anyway so better to deal with the root cause of the behaviour. My mum wasn't beyond wacking me on the back of my hand when I answered back. It was few and far between but did happen. Longterm it hasn't done me any harm. I don't hit my children because I don't think it's an effective way to mange their behaviour. My mil used to hit her boys when they were badly behaved, again rare and as a last resort in her words. They've turned out fine and do recognise her as a fab mum as is mine.

culture definitely is a factor here. but I also think that in cultures where hitting is normalised, the parent child dynamic is often unhealthy/dysfunctional. People also grow up with internalised aggression.

in my culture children are beaten, they are bullied and it is all normalised. even as an adult, people older than you somehow hold a trump card. this can lead to awful situations.

I couldn’t care less I got hit there were more important lasting things that were wrong

YANBU

I do think there is a generational difference and I think there's a lot more information and awareness of why children's bodily autonomy, respect and personal safety is so important and that it really starts at home. I'm not sure that was something my parents consciously thought about- I think they disciplined in the way they were disciplined because it was what they knew and what was familiar and maybe a little instinctive. I also think there's more awareness now of the pressures of being a parent and how important it is to self regulate and apologise when you get it wrong. I'm not sure my parents had that same encouragement to self reflect and I think there was more pressure to have children who 'behaved' than who were freer to just be children and make mistakes and have that accepted as part of children's learning and development. I think as well when you consider how desperately poor mental health supports for new parents were in the 80s and 90s for example, it's no wonder so many parents suffered with pnd with little support and who struggled with attachment to their child. I agree completely that by smacking/ being overly angry/ overly domineering you are being your child's first bully. But I have less tolerance for people who do that now because there's so much great info and education out there now that there's much less of an excuse not to be doing your research and educating yourself. Although generational trauma can also be a part of that as well.

It's a sign of a weak minded bully with no self control. Or worse.