Page 5 | To assume this about people who hit their kids...

NotDisciplineJustAbuse · 2023-08-07T19:31:44+00:00

That they're probably not above hitting their wife/husband/partner etc or indeed their pets. I don't buy into the 'discipline' crap as there are just far better ways of dealing with things. I'm sure smacking my husband every time he forgets to replace the loo roll could work but I was thankfully raised to use my big girl words and not rely on violence which will inevitably breed more violence.

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 22:18

Whatajokr · 07/08/2023 21:59

Ok, I'm biting

I was never smacked as an 80s child by my mum. I had no boundaries at all, as her talking to me and reasoning with me didn't work at all. Removing privileges had no effect on my behaviour either. I was an absolute shit at times.

XH and I decided one of our many early 2000s parenting tools in the box would be a short sharp controlled smack. Only when we were calm, never in temper. Our children would be warned it was coming if they continued in their behaviour. It was an extreme measure, but it was used. Other techniques were implemented before they were smacked. Not the "naughty step" or time out. I have several issues with that... Far worse than a smack imo.

As late teens, the children are now wonderful human beings. Empathetic, caring, understanding, loving, well rounded. I'm happy with the way we raised them.

What are you 'biting?'

Did it make you feel good abusing your children? You sound so proud.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:19

user1471447924 · 07/08/2023 22:14

YABU, there are cultural and religious factors here.

Lots of cultures and religions enforce hitting wives too...

There is no excuse- just because other cultures or classes do it doesn't mean it should be allowed in the Uk. Look at female genital mutilation! I also don't think baby ear piercing should be legal (it's common in Asian and in white working class cultures so I could be accused of being a racist or snob) but that's not a hill I want to die on when there are other far more pressing issues!

Simonjt · 07/08/2023 22:20

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:02

I think it does also depend on how it's done.

If it's ' we need to carefully tbink through a punishment, we will do a spank' that's still not ok but it's different from grabbing a child and hitting them out of frustration/anger. I think the first can be done but otherwise good but misinformed parents but the second is obviously a huge risk

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How can sitting and planning how you’re going to assault a child ever be a good thing?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:20

Jifmicroliquid · 07/08/2023 22:15

I was hit as a child. My father also kept a garden cane on the top of the cupboard and would give me a whack with that occasionally. It got to the point that if he reached up to the cupboard I would panic and apologise, even if I hadn’t felt I’d done anything wrong.
Bit horrible really but I have a fantastic relationship with my Dad now so it definitely didn’t scar me for life or anything. I suppose they were just different times.

Your good relationship is in spite of they cane though surely. Not because of it. And probably because he no longer reaches for it now if you disagree with him (do you dare to these days?)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:22

@Whatajokr I think your kids have turned out well despite the smacking not because of it

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:13

@LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows if your child bullied, a teacher smacking them wouldn't teach them anything except to hide it better!

Wouldn't you what the staff to work with their emotions and feelings to work out what's going on for them that means they feel the need to bully? Always a mental health or a anxious issue or lack of power in one part of their life that leads to bullying others in my experience.

That can be the case certainly. But in the case of the child I mentioned earlier the child did need to learn what it was to be on the receiving end of being physically hurt so she would not do it again. If she had ever known how it felt to be treated cruelly (as an adult she likes to tell people she was treated cruelly by her parents all the time but that's her version of events, her siblings aren't like her) she would have learnt empathy. Not only does she have a PD diagnosis but she claims it is because of "childhood trauma." I think she somehow had 're-written history in her mind! However she was not an average child. I can see that most children might bully because they actually are struggling .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:23

@Simonjt it's not a goood thing it's a bad thing. I said it's not ok. Just that they're different.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:24

Not saying that people with PD diagnoses are bad, most of them are ordinary people who are struggling just like with any disability . Just this person likes to make our it's her parents fault it's the way she is, rather than that she had a disorder which isn't anyone's fault !

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 22:25

user1471447924 · 07/08/2023 22:14

YABU, there are cultural and religious factors here.

Cultural like the 15 year old who was attacked with an iron bar and hit on the face for using makeup to hide the marks on her from a previous violent attack from her father?

Of course. Culture is always an excuse for people to behave like animals.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:27

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 22:25

Cultural like the 15 year old who was attacked with an iron bar and hit on the face for using makeup to hide the marks on her from a previous violent attack from her father?

Of course. Culture is always an excuse for people to behave like animals.

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That was a horrifying case, really upsetting to read that poor girl. When I first heard about it what came to mind immediately was the FGM and honour killings that are excused by so called cultures. Very damaging to the majority of Muslims who don't engage in these practices.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:29

@LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows you can definitely have one child abused as a scapegoat in the family and not the others it's pretty common. Have you read 'a child called it' or any of those other abuse autobiographies? Who knows what the truth is for that particular person you have in mind but needed to correct this for anyone else reading

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:30

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:24

Not saying that people with PD diagnoses are bad, most of them are ordinary people who are struggling just like with any disability . Just this person likes to make our it's her parents fault it's the way she is, rather than that she had a disorder which isn't anyone's fault !

P.D. - personality disorder? Postnatal depression?

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 22:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:29

@LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows you can definitely have one child abused as a scapegoat in the family and not the others it's pretty common. Have you read 'a child called it' or any of those other abuse autobiographies? Who knows what the truth is for that particular person you have in mind but needed to correct this for anyone else reading

This is very true

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:34

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:30

P.D. - personality disorder? Postnatal depression?

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personality disorder. Not her fault, nor her parents fault not anyone elses. It is what it is.

Abouttimemum · 07/08/2023 22:35

Alwaysatfault · 07/08/2023 20:44

Maybe it's because they were hit themselves as a child & they don't know any different?

I understand the sentiment of course and it probably is that way for some people but my husband was absolutely battered as a kid and all it did was make him not want to be that way. And hate his parents, who he no longer speaks to.

Wider than that I have absolutely no idea why people think fear based punishment would ever work. No one smacks me when I make a mistake, don’t get something right or don’t entirely understand something so I don’t know why we think it’s alright to abuse tiny little children who are trying to learn. ultimately they learn based on the actions of those around them. It’s absolute madness.

Hivaluegirl · 07/08/2023 22:38

Dad use to beat us, beat my mum and our cat so you aren't off

AllOfThemWitches · 07/08/2023 22:39

I don't agree with hitting but i can certainly see how it happens. My child has severe ASD and is prone to violent behaviour. Being bitten, hit, kicked, pinched, etc. has really tested me.

Whatajokr · 07/08/2023 22:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:22

@Whatajokr I think your kids have turned out well despite the smacking not because of it

Think what you want.

I have great teens who were smacked as children.

I was an alright teen who wasn't smacked as a child.

I have an XH who wasn't smacked as a child and who has turned into a horrid man in his 40s.

You can read reports about how terrible many childhood discipline techniques are. How they affect you in later life. They're all on t'intermet if you look for them.

I know so many parents with feckless children. The current trendy ways to teach children how to behave are lacking in so many ways. My pet hate is parents who don't use the word no to their children. Wtaf?

ChiPawPrint · 07/08/2023 22:41

I was smacked as a child, probably a total of 2 times as my dad raising his voice was enough to make me behave. My parents did not hit each other nor did they hit our dog.

I smacked my children, probably the same amount of times. I have never hit a partner or a pet. Never been in trouble with the police for anything, never had a fight with anyone etc so I don't think the theory is correct.

Jifmicroliquid · 07/08/2023 22:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 22:20

Your good relationship is in spite of they cane though surely. Not because of it. And probably because he no longer reaches for it now if you disagree with him (do you dare to these days?)

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Yes a good relationship in spite of it. I suppose I’m trying to say that it didn’t affect my relationship with my father as I got older. Where some people have said that they never got over it or couldn’t forgive their parent for what they did, I didn’t feel experience that.
Actually if I’m honest, I don’t think he found the child days easy. He was a great dad and very hands on, but my relationship with him really blossomed in my teens and beyond and we probably became the closest in my twenties.
I think he just didn’t really know how to handle or communicate with younger children and his way of stopping a situation was to resort to a smack or a threat of one.
As I said, different times. If someone was hitting their kid with a garden cane these days…

DatumTarum · 07/08/2023 22:44

I dropped a friend when I found out she hit her kids.

No excuse for it anymore.

We know it doesn't work (science).

We know it causes damage (science).

fullbloom87 · 07/08/2023 22:47

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 07/08/2023 20:34

I think a large factor is culture - someone who for example is British by birth and has a few generations here then yes it’s abnormal behaviour. Eastern cultures not so much. It is seen as discipline and there is a different mentality attached to it. Not saying it’s right. But I don’t think they would be generally violent people but who knows.

Not that long ago physical punishment was the norm in the uk but it didn’t mean everyone was violent to other adults too. Pets probably yes.

Smacking your kids was only considered wrong in the last 15 years or so in the uk. In the 90's it was normal to see a mum smacking her kids in the supermarket, playground or wherever. Then in the 00's it tapered off to smacking a hand till eventually it became evil.

Pretty much everyone my age (I'm 36) that I know was smacked regularly as a child and nobody I know is psychopath. We love and respect our parents and harbour no bad feelings.
I don't smack my children though because it's considered bad and to be honest I'm more afraid of my kids then the other way round.
I don't agree with smacking but I think we've gone too far the other way. There's definitely less respect for adults now.

LadyMaryTalbotCrawleysEyebrows · 07/08/2023 22:47

When I was a child I saw my dad hit the dog with a lead. I hated seeing that. Really upset me. Hitting pets is horrible. I could never do that to a defenceless animal. I never liked my dad much and have many unpleasant memories of him.

Ilovechocolate87 · 07/08/2023 22:49

I smacked my cat afew times when he did things like weed all over our bed (not proud of it, and I made the hard decision to rehome him and our other cat in the because I know i wasn't a good owner, for that and other reasons)

But I would NEVER hit my children, or my husband.

I was smacked as a child, DH was too and was also hit on the hand with a flipper.We swore we would never raise a hand to our own children as we remembered the fear it caused us, and we love them and each other too much to cross that line.

greenspaces4peace · 07/08/2023 22:50

i don't think it's wise to judge others. and i think that each and every one of us, if pushed can turn to violence.
however i think some forms of physical punishment stems from lack of options and different techniques can be learned.