To be dreading DH's work retreat

[MrsCrouch]

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

Oh God don't go

The invitation is only for partners as a gesture - they don't really expect you to attend

All the other partners are going. Some of them are bringing kids too (not really young kids)

I'd never cope with this. Can you be 'ill'?

Don’t go? Make some excuse like you’re ill or a family emergency.
Longer term, I used to have the same issue as you with such situations I found I could get through them by preparing myself mentally beforehand to ‘perform’ for the duration. This was mentally exhausting and I’d need to time to decompress afterwards, mind. Also therapy and self help helps me come to terms with being an introvert and accept it rather than try to be someone I’m not to fit in, have confidence to say no when invited to things which don’t appeal to me.

How about looking at the schedule and planning in breaks from the activities? Make sure you have some time alone in your room/walking alone.

Your H can always say you’re recuperating from covid or something and need to take regular breaks.

Knowing those breaks are in place (and your H also knows what you need and to expect you to not be there for those times) will hopefully help you get through?

I would hate this too - good luck!

Can I go in your place? I’d love it.

Sod that. Time for a positive Covid test.

Why are you grateful for being invited to something you don’t want to do and aren’t being paid for? It’s many peoples’ idea of hell- or at the least a massive waste of time - so you really don’t need to be grateful for it. At all. Hell would freeze over before I would go and spend two days on a retreat with total strangers because my husband’s work organised it!

I mean at least one break a day.

You don't work for the company. If you really have to go are you able to pick and choose as much/little as you want to?

Can’t believe all the people saying don’t go.

Honestly, on the facts you describe - definitely go! Everyone else can do the talking. You might have fun but - best of all - your DH will owe you one.

Sounds like my worst nightmare. I'd be getting a stomach upset the day before...

I was invited for a few with DH to a Caribbean Island for a celebratory weekend ( work ) . It looked lovely but I hate flying & the jet lag would have wiped out a lot of it. Probably the only time I used the MN phrase - sorry doesn't work for me. BUT I did thank them very nicely for the invitation , just that for reasons I would not be going. No-one turned a hair & I made it clear I was grateful to be invited.

I'm usually very good at saying no when I'm invited to things that aren't my sort of thing. But I didn't know I'd be required to take part in all the worky, team building nonsense as well. DH wants me to go and I don't have any other plans so can't really get out of it now!

Would your husband be willing to do something he wasn't crazy about if it meant a lot to you? If the answer is yes, you go. You'll survive.

Fuck that.

No way.

Of course you can get out of it. You're not a servant, you're an independent person who can choose what to do with your time.

Just explain to your DH that this is not what you expected and you no longer wish to go. He really shouldn't give you a hard time over it.

I agree with @cocoloco117 that it's very important as an introvert to have the confidence to say no to things rather than force yourself through them. You will be a much happier person in general. If this was your own work retreat and it would be bad form not to go, that would be one thing. But you really don't have to go to this.

I wouldn't do it as a favour to my husband, or if it involved taking time off from my own job (which I assume the OP isn't doing, as it would be a bit much to have to use annual leave for something she's dreading and which isn't necessary?), but if child care wasn't an issue, the activities sounded interesting and DH's colleagues potentially interesting AND it was somewhere nice, I'd probably enjoy it. I'm always interested to meet new people.

And Mn skews towards the socially timid and misanthropic, so there were always going to be a majority of replies screaming 'MY WORST NIGHTMARE!'

OP, I'm a sociable, socially-confident introvert, and I would definitely need to build in some breaks from being around other people in what sounds like two full-on days. I don't think you need to make up excuses -- you aren't an employee. Just say you're going to take a break from X session and you'll see everyone again later.

The retreat is at a really nice hotel, in a really beautiful part of the country, so thought it might be nice. I didn't expect to be roped into team activities at all, was looking forward to wandering around the area or reading in the day while DH was doing work stuff. We haven't been on holiday this year and have booked somewhere local for a few days afterwards too so kind of have to go!

Well then, go, see if there's anyone interesting there, do a couple of the activities that seem most appealing and skip the ones you don't fancy. Presumably lots of the other spouses/partners will also be skipping out. You're not an employee!

Keep an open mind and go with low expectations. You might find that you actually enjoy it ! There are bound to be other partners there who are feeling exactly the same and you don't have to be the life and soul/ conversation starter. Maybe feign a headache if it's really awful and go and chill in your room for an afternoon, but it doesn't sound as if you can get out of it so give it a chance.

I would go but not feel the need to do all the activities or stay up until 11pm. You are not an employee so you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Go along and enjoy the hotel and location and go to one or two things that sound interesting.

I would go, and be clear and up front (if somewhat vague) about what you'll be able to do.

I.e. potentially advance warning from your DH "thank you so much for the invite - I know my wife is looking forward to meeting everyone but might not be able to join us for every activity as she has been ill recently and is still recuperating/need s to take some work calls/pick your poison". Key thing being here that you warn in advance so they have time fo rejig team building teams or whatever and therefore it's less frustrating.

Then again on the day you go and be clear (I'd use work calls) - "Hi organiser, thanks so much for inviting me! Unfortunately I have work calls that I couldn't move so I will have to dip out of X, I think Husband should have told you in advance ".

Alternatively you could ask your husband to be genuinely honest "Wife is an introvert and this will be a really exhausting couple of days for her. I know she's looking forward to meeting everyone but she'll need some time to recharge as well. Are you okay to exclude her from Activity X and Activity Y please? We hadn't realised she'd be included in the day time activities or I would have mentioned it earlier."

The latter is my preference if at all possible as it's always easier to be honest if feasible.

They don’t own you and you don’t work for the company so you don’t have to do everything from 8am-11pm. Just join in on some things and relax the rest of the time.