To be dreading DH's work retreat

[MrsCrouch]

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

Why do your husbands employers think that partners can just drop everything or change plans to attend this thing anyways ?

Personally i'd tip it bollocks

Perhaps they don't?

It's an invitation, not a subpoena.

That is one heck of a fucking ask to expect partners and spouses to go to a work retreat.

They might work.

They might have young children.

They might not have anyone else to look after the children.

They might not have the spare annual leave.

They may not fucking want to.

I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days

Can you post this? Suitably edited so not to out you of course. I have no idea what kind of mind thinks that work retreats/away days are a good thing! 😩

Why so angry?
It is an invitation not a summons.

We aren't all people hating introverts on MN.

What sort of activities?

Just tell DH what you are able/prepared to take part in and he can let them know.

It’s not a compulsory event - just join in the bits you feel comfortable with. If it’s in a beautiful area - take yourself off for a nice walk - the hotel will be able to give you a picnic lunch to take with you?

Migraine coming on shortly after you arrive. Do dinner and retire early saying “I hope this isn’t one of my migraines coming on@. Next morning, Lie-in, breakfast in bed, watch Netflix, snooze, appear for a short walk wearing enormous sunglasses, return saying “Oh dear I don’t think that was a very good idea” back to your room, long bubble bath, supper on a tray, repeat.

Why is everyone suggesting OP comes up with all these ridiculous excuses?* *

My thoughts exactly.

Why are you grateful to be asked, OP?

I wouldn't!

Oh I hate this sort of manipulative bollocks!

The company does not own him - or you. He is there to do the job he is paid for and not to be saddled with this sort of stuff - and drag you into it too!

The man who mistook his job for his life springs to mind. They do not own him and certainly do not own you.

Why should you have to go cap in hand and make out a case for not going/missing some of the activities? - it is nonsense.

I'm relatively extroverted and both DH and I work in senior roles so very used to all sorts of random get-togethers where partners get included, but there's no way on earth I'd entertain spending that length of time solidly with DH's colleagues, nor he with mine. It sounds hellish.

I'm sure I'd say something - either accidentally or on purpose - that I'd later regret as my tolerance for crap is reducing with each passing year.

Last time we did something similar with an extended stay was with DH's company a couple of years ago. The 2 owners' wives (who I know well) were constantly competing with each other about all sorts of crap from number of handbags owned (unbelievable but true) to whose offspring were at the best universities. Utterl school playground level bullshit. I don't know how I kept my sanity!

Because she has said she has booked further days off around it so has to travel there.
I agree that I would just say thanks no thanks but if she has to go then she should refuse to take part in stuff which makes her feel uncomfortable in a way which causes as little issue to her husband as possible.
alternativeky she could stay in a different hotel nearby!

The old people pleaser me ,would of gone ,been stressed and hidden it behind fake smiles
the new me ,would just say ,.that doesn’t work for me ,but thanks for the thought.

It's too long & too intense an event. I wouldn't expect my partner to do this at any level. Ill thought through in my opinion. & a bit crazy. Bin it.

She doesn't have to attend any of the activities though, and saying she has a headache is the most obvious excuse in the book lol.

Just be an adult and say no.

Have you got budget for a body double, like fake Melania? She could do the activities while you enjoy the hotel. Big sunglasses and a wig if you both need to use the breakfast salon at the same time.

How well does your DH know the senior management/people organizing?

Can he have a word with them and say along the lines of “MrsCrouch was a bit surprised at the itinerary, is it all compulsory for partners or will it be okay if she ducks out of some activities?” He could add in a white lie about you needing to get some work done while you’re away or something.

That way, you’d at least know what the expectations are and whether you can tweak it to suit or if it’s really goin to be unbearable.

Since your DH wants you to go, I would try and join in for DH’s sake (assuming you have a decent marriage!). Remote working can be isolating in the workplace and get togethers like these could be crucial in developing relationships that make him a much more real member of the team than he might otherwise seem. Partners can have a big impact on that. Nevertheless, it isn’t the 1950s and you aren’t required to be a free addition just because they hired your DH.

This an extremely odd and intrusive request.

I would not be going to that, no way. How fucking weird.

Perfect.

I think they are hugely presumptuous to think that a partner would be interested in this.

Hotel for R&R possibly, team building, absolutely not.

I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.

100% this. If you think the hotel sounds nice, then go and just don't attend the activities if you don't feel like it. You're allowed to say "raft building isn't my thing." You can still be sociable over meals.

God I'd be trying to get out of it myself if it was my own work. Zero danger I would even consider it if it was oh work - my idea of hell.

I would say to your oh that you don't object to going and doing group stuff such as dinner etc, but you don't want to join in on the group activities. Team building doesn't include non staff.

My idea of hell too. Why does everything have to be so scripted.
Can you tell your husband you’ll do the socials and food stuff but not the team building?

Surely in this day and age they should understand that people might be ND and not cope with that amount of stranger time.

Go to support your husband but just say no to activities you don't want to do. No silly excuses.

Not my cup of tea either OP. I would definitely not be going.

But if you want to, why not. It's up to you, no-one is forcing you.