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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading DH's work retreat

258 replies

MrsCrouch · 07/08/2023 15:18

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 07/08/2023 16:30

OP I doubt very much you are all expected to do all the activities. You'll find a way to work out what you do and don't want to do.

Also the social bits, as an introvert my plan is always to ask other people questions, so many people love talking about themselves it's always an easy out.

ihadamarveloustime · 07/08/2023 16:33

I hate employers that do this. It's all about trying to pretend you're a great big family so you'll put up with a lot of crap and put in lots and lots of extra hours for free imo.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 07/08/2023 16:34

I’d go and have a migraine and spend the day “resting”: books and room service.

But I’d have never said yes in the first place, I don’t work for DP’s company and can’t see why I’d need to go on one of his work jollies, it’s bad enough going on my own ones.

floribunda18 · 07/08/2023 16:38

TBH, even as an employee I'd object to mandatory activities from morning to night. I need time out from family after a few hours, I'd be throttling colleagues if I saw them from 8am to 11pm. Just one daytime activity and socialising in the evening for one evening would surely be enough for anyone.

Aw273 · 07/08/2023 16:39

Augend23 · 07/08/2023 15:57

I would go, and be clear and up front (if somewhat vague) about what you'll be able to do.

I.e. potentially advance warning from your DH "thank you so much for the invite - I know my wife is looking forward to meeting everyone but might not be able to join us for every activity as she has been ill recently and is still recuperating/need s to take some work calls/pick your poison". Key thing being here that you warn in advance so they have time fo rejig team building teams or whatever and therefore it's less frustrating.

Then again on the day you go and be clear (I'd use work calls) - "Hi organiser, thanks so much for inviting me! Unfortunately I have work calls that I couldn't move so I will have to dip out of X, I think Husband should have told you in advance ".

Alternatively you could ask your husband to be genuinely honest "Wife is an introvert and this will be a really exhausting couple of days for her. I know she's looking forward to meeting everyone but she'll need some time to recharge as well. Are you okay to exclude her from Activity X and Activity Y please? We hadn't realised she'd be included in the day time activities or I would have mentioned it earlier."

The latter is my preference if at all possible as it's always easier to be honest if feasible.

Seconding this- announcing that you’re a massive introvert and find it exhausting will not make the sky fall down. Everyone knows one or is one, people will understand and appreciate the honesty. It really is liberating!

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/08/2023 16:41

This is so weird. If I was an employee, I'd have zero interest in team-building with the partners of other employees. What's the point?! Sure, I might have to team build with Brian from Accounts but what possible value is there in me team-building with Brian's wife/husband?! And I'm an extrovert so love meeting new people but come on...?!!

Pamspeople · 07/08/2023 16:44

Hbh17 · 07/08/2023 16:19

"Thank you so much for your kind invitation, but unfortunately I will be unable to attend. I hope that the retreat will be enjoyable and successful for all involved".
That's all you need to say, OP, then just carry on with your life. You do not need to justify or exp.ain your decision. Neither are you some sort of appendage to your partner, and he is perfectly capable of going away without you.

This is a perfect response. No further explanation or justification required. Thank you but no thank you, move on.

Tdcp · 07/08/2023 16:46

I categorically would not be going, sorry. We had a lunch for a new starter the other week which mainly involved just our office staff and a few others and I really struggled to handle that. No chance would I be going to this, your husband should understand.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 16:47

You can probably skip whatever activities don't interest you. Once the thing is underway, just please yourself. He's not going to be sacked because his spouse failed to be life of the party.

Also, it goes by pretty quickly.

I hate these corporate things that suck up one's leisure time but sometimes you just have to do it.

SaltyCrisps · 07/08/2023 16:47

There's no way I'd do this! What a nightmare! I'd be ill if I had to.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 07/08/2023 16:48

Just say you've got an unexpected deadline for a piece of work ( which could be for finishing reading a book or getting through X posts on MN - but no need to say) and will have to dip in and out. You could turn up at mealtimes, say. And you could stay in your room as much as you wanted or even stride purposefully from the hotel clutching a laptop and find a cafe somewhere.

topnoddy · 07/08/2023 16:48

Does your husband want to go or does he feel like you about it ?

Must admit it doesn't sound like much of retreat to me , more like forced fun activities

TheNoonBell · 07/08/2023 16:49

Might I suggest you "hurt your foot" and so can't walk too far.

Then you can prop up the bar and await the return of your team mates😉

2Rebecca · 07/08/2023 16:50

I wouldn't go. I have my own job and interests. I am not my husband's accessory. My husband would also have no interest going to anything my work did, which is unlikely to happen as part of our work philosophy is that people deserve and need a life outside work and that work stuff shouldn't encroach in to that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2023 16:51

Is there a way you could go but not take part in everything?

WhateverMate · 07/08/2023 16:52

MrsCrouch · 07/08/2023 15:40

The retreat is at a really nice hotel, in a really beautiful part of the country, so thought it might be nice. I didn't expect to be roped into team activities at all, was looking forward to wandering around the area or reading in the day while DH was doing work stuff. We haven't been on holiday this year and have booked somewhere local for a few days afterwards too so kind of have to go!

So go then and say you've strained your back, so you won't be taking part in activities.

mainbrochus · 07/08/2023 16:53

Go. Just say you have ‘work stuff’ to do when it is the activity times. No one will be bothered.

get your husband to promise not to leave you in the lurch at any of the other times.

it’ll be grand, so

OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 16:54

OP, you don't have to give any excuses at all. Go along, do whatever you want to do and just say, "Oh no, I don't want to do that. I've been looking forward to reading my book on my weekend off" and that's it.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 16:55

Unless this is crucial to his career prospects, have a family emergency

I am happy to go to my partners work dos, but I wouldn’t do this without a very good reason

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/08/2023 16:55

mainbrochus · 07/08/2023 16:53

Go. Just say you have ‘work stuff’ to do when it is the activity times. No one will be bothered.

get your husband to promise not to leave you in the lurch at any of the other times.

it’ll be grand, so

That's a good point. With more and more people remote-working, it's quite plausible that you'll need time to yourself to "make calls" or "respond to some urgent e-mails..."

Greentree1 · 07/08/2023 16:55

Go with an open mind you might meet some people you really like and you might have more fun than you expect. If you are finding it all too much develop a headache (you may well get one if it's really OTT) or too tired, too hot, etc. I'm sure if some activities are very physical or daft lots of spouses may drop out.

chaosmaker · 07/08/2023 16:56

I don't like forced activity so I wouldn't go.

fetchacloth · 07/08/2023 16:56

RatherBeRiding · 07/08/2023 15:27

Sod that. Time for a positive Covid test.

Lol 😆 you beat me to it with this post.
I would rather have covid than endure two days of structured 'fun'🙄

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 16:57

mainbrochus · 07/08/2023 16:53

Go. Just say you have ‘work stuff’ to do when it is the activity times. No one will be bothered.

get your husband to promise not to leave you in the lurch at any of the other times.

it’ll be grand, so

I wouldn’t do this - because it will read like a snub - yes I’m prepared to take the freebie but no I’m not doing the bonding - you could reasonably get out of a couple of things for ‘work reasons’ but not the whole thing.

Just swerve it.

RampantIvy · 07/08/2023 16:57

OriginalBliss · 07/08/2023 15:39

I wouldn't do it as a favour to my husband, or if it involved taking time off from my own job (which I assume the OP isn't doing, as it would be a bit much to have to use annual leave for something she's dreading and which isn't necessary?), but if child care wasn't an issue, the activities sounded interesting and DH's colleagues potentially interesting AND it was somewhere nice, I'd probably enjoy it. I'm always interested to meet new people.

And Mn skews towards the socially timid and misanthropic, so there were always going to be a majority of replies screaming 'MY WORST NIGHTMARE!'

OP, I'm a sociable, socially-confident introvert, and I would definitely need to build in some breaks from being around other people in what sounds like two full-on days. I don't think you need to make up excuses -- you aren't an employee. Just say you're going to take a break from X session and you'll see everyone again later.

Show quote history

That is an excellent collection and measured post. I agree that going to the hotel and ducking out of activities that you don't want to do is the best idea.

DH is a very unsociable introvert. He would rather eat hair than go to something like this. I wouldn't ask him to come with me on such a weekend because I wouldn't enjoy it because DH wouldn't be enjoying himself.