To be dreading DH's work retreat

[MrsCrouch]

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

Sounds like hell. Why on earth would partners be invited to a 2-day work event for a company they don't work for? You don't owe them your precious time, unpaid. I'd get out of it if you can.

Ffs 🙄

What sort of activities? I’d go and dip in and out of the ones you’re comfortable with. I guarantee you won’t be the only one! Definitely don’t feign and injury or migraine as you’ll be fussed over. I once had to attend something like this while pregnant and my god, the fussing was awful, it’s all I really remember from the trip and I wasn’t even ill with it or tired or anything. A work commitment is a good excuse.

@Charrington I wouldn't be looking for another job but I would be finding any excuse not to go, never mind DP coming with me.

In my team there are two people who have had recent separations (not from each other) and one who has only just after several years felt comfortable talking about home life. One has a DH who has had serious illness, another for various reasons could not take part in some of the kind of 'team building' exercises I can imagine happen.

What a batshit crazy idea! I hate these team building forced-fun-shit in my own job let alone my husband's!

It actually isn't a 'nice' gesture. A nice gesture would be to book a lovely hotel and let partners enjoy themselves as they pleased while the employees did the forced activities. Someone somewhere will have decided its good for business to bring the personal into the professional arena. So for this reason I'd not be going. They employ one of you, not both.

She’s said her husband wants her to go.
That’s what I’m finding odd, OP, that you have talked through your concerns with your DH and he still wants you to go.

Is this a sort of “oh don’t be silly, you’ll be fine once we get there” minimising, or has he said that he would really appreciate your support, or that he’d love you to meet his colleagues, or that (God forbid) he needs you “on show” to make sure his career doesn’t suffer. Surely this is one situation where you have a proper, in-depth discussion about the whole thing?

(As others have said, it’s a very weird company that works on the basis that everyone’s partners would be willing and able to attend such and event, and potentially discriminated against those who do not have partners. My firm used to invite “the wives” to our annual partners’ conference but that seems incredibly outdated now. They put on bullshit like shopping trips to designer outlets while we were in work discussions- my DH came for ten free business class flight to a nice place but said thanks but no thanks to the activities and I actually skived a bit of the work stuff to go for a nice lunch together with him instead. These days it’s very much employees only and everyone is much happier with that, not to mention that it cuts costs significantly.

Are your kids (if any) young enough to be a good excuse not to go?

I've been told I do quite a good Paddington stare.

I’m an introvert too, and I would hate all the team building crap, but I would go to blatantly take advantage of the nice hotel stay & all the free food & drink, but opt out of anything I didn’t want to do. I’m not their employee so I wouldn’t give a toss if they didn’t like it, or thought I was taking the piss.

The activities will give you lots to chat about over dinner!
People like talking about themselves so don't worry too much about having to contribute more than you're happy with.
Enjoy the hotel and surroundings.

Bad attack of period pain will get you out of a good 24 hrs of activities. During which time you can lie by the pool because lying down helps, chill out on a comfy chair in a lounge because hard chairs make cramps worse - and all you have to do is look meaningful any time anyone asks you why you are/aren’t participating and no man will ask any questions. All the women will sympathise. Win.

Yikes. It'd be a hard no from me too!

It sounds like hell to me. 14 hours a day with complete strangers would finish me off. Pick a few of the sessions and then go and catch up on some 'work'.

I'm an introvert but I would love this. Just go you might even enjoy yourself.

If you would love this then I promise you you're not an introvert!

Can he bring a family member or friend instead?

He can say you were poorly but didn’t want to go alone so he’s taken his friend instead.

Or if you have kids he can take them.

You may enjoy yourself but it sound like you’re getting anxious just thinking about it.

You could always go and have a code word to let DH you want to go back to the hotel room.

Honestly as the most introverted person you can imagine I am going out on a limb and say some of the most enjoyable experiences I have had are the ones which I was expecting to be awful. You might hate it but you might find you actually have a lot of fun. If you don’t want to do all the activities just say you are tired and head to the bar! I think you will regret not supporting your husband and it would be a shame to hear that all the partners ended up flunking off to relax.

Exactly what I was thinking! Don't go if it's making you worry this much. Put yourself first and I am sure your husband will understand.

Read , or watch the TV show Nine Perfect Strangers by Leanne Moriarty and go there as one of the characters.

Maybe the Melissa McCarthy character...?

Just no.

I am an introvert and would dread it even if it was my own office retreat. Now that I am older, life's too short. Make excuses.

I would not expect my dh to come on mine for 2 days and extroverted as he is he will probably dread it if locked up with my colleagues for 2 days. Team building <shudder>

Possibly organised by an extrovert who thinks everyone is like him/her.

My ex worked for a Swiss company and we were invited for a weekend work event. We went - it was a surreal weekend. But amazing. I was showing our DC some of the photos only the other month. Essentially we had a full and fancy tour of head office art collection, with rooftop drinks & canapes, followed by a trip to a local park. We hiked through a forest for at least 30 mins before coming to a clearing and house full of carved totem poles (by chainsaw). The artist is very well known - we cooked our own dinner working in groups before sitting round a camp fire until the early hours. I was more the extrovert in our relationship so would go for most experiences. It was lovely to meet my ex's colleagues in a social setting, but not just drinking. They were so thoughtful towards us - we are both British and my German/French was even then very rusty so they all spoke English much of the evening. I have never forgotten that weekend. Ex and I moved on; ex moved on from the company so no contact. But I remember them very fondly. I think taking time outs seems a great way to manage too much interaction. But give it a go!

http://www.erwinschatzmann.ch/werke.html

You don't understand for many many people this is their idea of hell!

Just say you're ill.
Im like you I can handle people in short bursts but to live amongst them I just could not handle it. It would actually make me ill.

Be brave, expand your boundaries, broaden your horizons you might find there are similarly apprehensive spouses but supporting you DH is important. WFH can be a solitary existance too. Who knows you might actually enjoy some of the activities on the itinerary if you approach it more positively.
I know it's hard is it's not your natural habitat but it might just help you break the mould aswell.
Perhaps do some preparation for conversation starters, there will also be the events of the day to chat about too.

You're definitely not an introvert.