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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading DH's work retreat

258 replies

MrsCrouch · 07/08/2023 15:18

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2023 16:05

If it’s weekdays, personally I would say no, because work full time and am not about to spend my annual leave on their team building bollocks. I would certainly not rearrange or cancel meetings so I could go to it. dh would just have to tell them that I’m working, end of.
Is this one of those companies where most of the employees are male and they expect ‘er indoors to be available to be their husband’s sidekick at all times?
If my employer did this and dh was expected to go I can imagine how thrilled he’d be 😂

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 16:07

Sounds good to me, but then I like people. I love hosting etc too

Fraaahnces · 07/08/2023 16:07

What if you hurt your shoulder at the gym a couple of days before you go? You could putter and read, and meet everyone for dinner?

diddl · 07/08/2023 16:11

8am until 10/11pm?

Hahaha!

That would be a no from me!

I see that you are having some days away after but other than that why does your husband want you there?

JustKeepSlimming · 07/08/2023 16:11

After breakfast, find a comfy chair to sit and read your book. Give them all a cheery wave and "Enjoy your morning! See you at lunch!".

If anyone says "Oh, aren't you coming with us?!" do a tinkly laugh and say "No no no, that's not my kind of thing at all! Have fun though!".

midsomermurderess · 07/08/2023 16:14

Tinkly laugh. Has anyone ever done one? Or done one without looking batty?

bananaboats · 07/08/2023 16:15

I'm not sure calling off sick or whatever from it is the best idea as it makes you look flaky & your husband will no doubt be asked where you are which could be awkward. Also their could be occasions like this again. I think it would be better to try and find some strategies of dealing with it. Planned breaks as pps have suggested is a good idea.

Hiddenvoice · 07/08/2023 16:17

I would go and try see if at any point you can take a break and go back to your room for a bit. Just be honest and say that activity isn’t for you, and you’re going to lie down for a break.

I’m an introvert and very anxious meeting new people. I always seek to feel stupid when I’m around new people as I get flustered and somehow my words come out wrong. I would try see this as a few nights away, in a lovely hotel with your dh. Try look ahead for your break afterwards too and hopefully who knows, you might meet someone similar to you and get on really well with them!

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 16:17

midsomermurderess · 07/08/2023 16:14

Tinkly laugh. Has anyone ever done one? Or done one without looking batty?

No. Or tilted their head.

diddl · 07/08/2023 16:19

What sort of activities?

EvilElsa · 07/08/2023 16:19

Go along and if it turns into a total horror show feign illness/headache and go back to the room. It might not be as bad as it sounds.

Hbh17 · 07/08/2023 16:19

"Thank you so much for your kind invitation, but unfortunately I will be unable to attend. I hope that the retreat will be enjoyable and successful for all involved".
That's all you need to say, OP, then just carry on with your life. You do not need to justify or exp.ain your decision. Neither are you some sort of appendage to your partner, and he is perfectly capable of going away without you.

Ellmau · 07/08/2023 16:19

So every now and then you have a Dreadful Headache and have to go and lie down in your room.

diddl · 07/08/2023 16:20

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 16:17

No. Or tilted their head.

Show quote history

Nor given my head a wobble!

museumum · 07/08/2023 16:20

Do you have a job? Even a voluntary role? If so take a laptop and excuse yourself for a few hours a day to « work »?

Sigmama · 07/08/2023 16:21

Sounds like a fun adventure, but appreciate not everyone likes change

JustKeepSlimming · 07/08/2023 16:21

midsomermurderess · 07/08/2023 16:14

Tinkly laugh. Has anyone ever done one? Or done one without looking batty?

Of course not; it makes you look like an idiot. But then they won't question you because they're slightly thrown off balance. Hence, objective achieved.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 07/08/2023 16:22

Just say you have too much on with your own work/family commitments.

AnImaginaryCat · 07/08/2023 16:23

Does your husband not know you, or have you been hiding your true personality from him?

Surely he knows you wouldn't like this so he can now make your excuses just go by himself?

Pamspeople · 07/08/2023 16:24

You're an adult, you don't work for them, you don't have to do anything you don't want to! I bet loads of the other partners will be having a similar reaction to you, I know there's no way I'd go to something like that. Life is way too short to be frightened of saying "no thank you "

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 07/08/2023 16:24

Well if you can't get out of it you may as well throw yourself into it. Get ahead of the game by watching YouTube videos on how to build a raft and how to build a contraption to protect an egg from breaking when dropped from a great height!

Seriously though, I would hate this, so would probably go but say I couldn't join in with the activities for some reason or another - labyrinthitis? Urgent report to write? A local relative you need to visit?

AnImaginaryCat · 07/08/2023 16:25

diddl · 07/08/2023 16:20

Nor given my head a wobble!

Show quote history

Or given a "Paddington stare".

BarrelOfOtters · 07/08/2023 16:25

I'm an introvert and my husband's work has a similar thing every year. I dreaded the first one, but actually really enjoyed it. I find some quiet time as needed, usually just by going on a walk or up to the room. DH was briefed to cover for me as needed.

We also had a word about him not abandoning me till I found my feet. I would also quite happily dip out of after dinner activities unless I wanted to do them.

Go, if you hate it you never need to do it again.

Lemonyfuckit · 07/08/2023 16:28

Frankly I think this is a bit weird - I get it's a small company but including partners to take part in the team building stuff? Why, when you don't work there / it's not your team?

I once worked for an architecture firm where they did an annual weekend away including partners - there was a mixture of planned activity (ie sightseeing a specific thing and a dinner) but the rest more free time, and even that was a bit weird as it was over a weekend so requiring staff plus their partners as well to spend a weekend together was weird but they were the sort of office that regarded themselves as a 'family' - which itself should have been a red flag to naive little old me in my interview as it meant work encroached far too much into personal life.

My current team is pretty sociable and gets on well - partners occasionally turn up to drinks at the pub, and one boss organised a dinner for his room plus spouses, which was nice. One evening of socialising - perfectly friendly. A whole retreat of scheduled fun and team building? - noooo!

2mummies1baby · 07/08/2023 16:28

This would be my worst nightmare too, OP- could you 'twist your ankle' early on to get out of some of the activities?

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