To be dreading DH's work retreat

[MrsCrouch]

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

I was that person responsible for putting together one of these, many moons ago. More stressful than Trade Union negotiations, but that's another story. The very full schedules are to avoid complaints from those expecting a myriad of activities (see, companies can't win) and I highly doubt anyone will bat an eye if you pick and chose what you want to do. Definitely no need for excuses - just say you'll be joining x/y/z and leave it at that. Hope you have a great time x

He might not want supporting or for his wife to go when she may not want to.

It's apparently still a free country at the moment

Covid has it's uses at times like these

DH wants me to go

I’d go I think as you have said yes and it’s a nice hotel plus it will be awkward if he’s there alone.
Chit chat wise other people are happy to speak. Smile, listen.
Investigate other things then you can see what you can slope off to.
Be photographer then you aren’t doing activities.

Sorry, should have also added, only mistake company has made, is not making clear that activities are optional & of course everyone welcome to do their own thing. x

Obviously it’s not compulsory for you - is it something your husband would appreciate you doing? Agree with those who’ve said just join in with the parts you’re comfortable with.

I’ve been invited on several of my husband’s work events- I’ve never been to any, because I can’t get time off work, and we’ve never had readily available overnight childcare. He has managed just fine without me .

There will probably be a few of you in same mindset if you decide to slope off.

Start coughing now so it doesn't look suspicious

Re. Conversation: people are generally very happy to tell you all about themselves. This means you don’t need to do much talking or reveal anything about yourself. You can just ask the odd question snd let them ramble on.

Re. the activities: review them and sort into those you don’t mind doing (for the sake of your husband) and those you really don’t want to do. Then say clearly and politely what you will and will not be participating and stick to your guns. It is meant to be enjoyable, so choosing not to do activities you don’t enjoy is perfectly acceptable.

@MrsCrouch - Are you absolutely 100% sure that you and the other partners are expected to join in with the whole itinerary from 8am until 11pm? If not, maybe your DH could enquire exactly what the situation is?

If the activities are active eg canoeing, climbing you’ll need a health questionnaire so if you put any issues (neck, knee, high blood pressure etc) they won’t let you anyway. So that might be a solution, oh dear never mind I’ll sit and read instead.

Am I being really naive in thinking this might genuinely be a nice gesture from the employer and not meant as a team building experience? That they might have planned activities because some people like a structured day?

I would go but I would cherry pick the activities I wanted to go to and would take myself off for things I wanted to do for myself. I'd treat the activities as optional, since this isn't a paid work trip. And you don't work for them anyway so have no obligations.

But honestly, I think they might not be expecting full on participation.

The people that are taking kids have an easy excuse to go off "got to look after little Tristan for a bit!!"

Do you have some hobby that can be/should be done in isolation? Nothing weird of course but maybe sketching or mushroom hunting, anything!!! Something that gives you an out at some points of the day. "sorry I can't go along to the bungy jumping because I spotted some rare orchids I'd like to photograph." Anything!!! (or don't go)

I haven't read the whole thread, but as much as this might seem like a lovely gesture to people's partners to a gorgeous hotel, I really, really dislike it when companies do stuff like this - it's an annoying blurring of work and personal life and often employees understandably under obligation to play along. While no-one should judge someone for not bringing their partner, there might inevitably be some level of 'where's your wife, X?' and raised eyebrows - not okay.

I have a bee in my bonnet as DH's company lays on a city break (ie a jolly) for all employees each year. This is held AT THE WEEKEND. A lot of DH's colleagues are in their 20s and 30s and the people at the very top haven't shaken their start up mentality (ie work is our whole life etc). There is 'no obligation' to go, but DH - hired into a senior role relatively recently - says it 'looks bad' if he doesn't attend. I wouldn't mind AT ALL if it was in the working week but to do this on the weekend takes the absolute piss IMO.

Note to bosses - stop the expectation that your company is everything to your employees and their families. Some people don't want to be with their work colleagues at weekends even if it's a paid-for jolly. Some people's wives don't want to go on work trips. It's SO ANNOYING grrrr 😡😂

I agree, get DH to prime them first "MrsCrouch has a few things over the weekend she'll need to duck out of activities for"

You'll probably have a lovely time. I'm quite sociable, but I can't do full on for a day with people I haven't met before.

If it were my dh he’d need to start looking for another job. 😳

What are the ‘team building’ activities, OP?

If it’s physical stuff - outdoor challenge things - I’d do it (speaking as an introvert) because the actual social side of that is fairly low-intensity: you’re given a task, it’s very structured, you get on with it.

If it’s more ‘sit in a room’ style stuff then I’d swerve it because a) I don’t need to build a team with his colleagues and b) it’s not going to be terrifically costly to the company if I don’t go in the same way that snubbing a paid-for whitewater rafting experience might be.

This.

I’m long past suffering things like this because I feel I have to. Ridiculous of the company to invite families.

2 ways to do this - either say thank you nice gesture but cannot go your self.
The other way is to push your limits a bit and go.

Sounds like the opposite of a “retreat” as I understand the word.

It might not be compulsory.
I used to tag on a conference with dh (5 star hotel) and they thoughtfully put activities on for the partners eg mini bus to nearby town but it wasn’t compulsory to go.
I also went somewhere and at dinner other ladies were saying oh you should have said I’d have gone with you (ditching conference) so you may well find others who don’t want to join in.

If you go, do you actually have to do everything on the schedule? I've done this a couple of times with DH, and it's very much been on the basis that activities are there on offer for partners but if we don't want to do them, no problem. For me it was ideal, the company was paying our rather expensive fares and hotel costs, it laid on a sightseeing trip which gave me a basic idea of what was available in the area, so after that I mostly did what I wanted or chilled out. I think I did turn up to a couple of dinners because I felt I had to give DH some moral support, but that was bearable.

If you went but didn't turn up for the activities, would anyone actually notice? They're not likely to be ticking names off on a register, are they?

But if you really don't want to go at all, I'm sure you wouldn't be the only partner not going. I would have thought it would be impossible for most partners due to child care and/or work commitments.

It's actually really bizarre to expect partners to take part in the worky, team-building stuff, especially if some of them are bringing kids. Are you 100% sure those elements are definitely meant to be for partners?!

I know people who have been on work things like this with their partners, but there's never been an expectation that the partners join in with work stuff. Usually there would be a timetable for the staff and maybe some suggested things that partners could do separately (if they wanted to). Eg I know one of my friends went on a thing where they stayed in cabins in a forest or something and her husband had to do work stuff during the day and they offered the partners a different activity to do if they wanted (can't remember what it was now, something not at all worky or team-buildy though, more like an outdoor craft activity I think?) but with absolutely no pressure to do it if they didn't fancy it, more or 'it's there if you want to go' type thing. Then there was a barbecue and drinks in the evening that everyone went to as a social thing.

I would go to show support for my husband. Don’t be such a misery guts.