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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading DH's work retreat

258 replies

MrsCrouch · 07/08/2023 15:18

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

OP posts:
Uremindmeofthebabe · 09/08/2023 11:27

Just go along and choose the bits you want to be involved in. Say you have anxiety and struggle with it sometimes so will do what you can. No shame.

NewYorkFirstTimer · 09/08/2023 11:27

I would literally eat an entire raw chicken the day before

CruCru · 09/08/2023 12:45

willWillSmithsmith · 09/08/2023 11:25

What sort of activities is it? A group lunch or yoga is one thing but a role playing lot of nonsense is quite another.

Got to be honest, doing yoga with a bunch of my husband’s colleagues sounds pretty weird - perhaps even weirder than roleplay.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/08/2023 12:50

CruCru · 09/08/2023 12:45

Got to be honest, doing yoga with a bunch of my husband’s colleagues sounds pretty weird - perhaps even weirder than roleplay.

Show quote history

Haha I guess it could still be weird but for me a whole easier to tolerate than role playing which is my idea of pure hell.

it would help to know what’s actually on offer/expected at this retreat.

CruCru · 09/08/2023 12:51

I have interpreted this as the colleagues are all partners in a management consultancy, law firm or accountancy firm. The sort of place where people do all nighters on M&A type deals. I can’t imagine another business where anyone would think that wives need to take part as well.

Team building doesn’t sound very military and military spouses already do quite a lot.

Original poster
MrsCrouch · 09/08/2023 19:47

Sorry for lack of response, have been dealing with a poorly dog the past couple of days.

The activities that I know of are an escape room type thing, off-road driving, and a meal which is a 5 hour long fancy tasting menu sort of thing.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 09/08/2023 19:51

@MrsCrouch - Are you sure that you are being expected to take part in all the activities? Doesn't sound too bad, so far?

Jillybloop393 · 09/08/2023 20:03

Wow! That sounds good! I thought it'd be things like yoga, or zumba ..... I'm thinking it's going to be good!

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 20:26

Jillybloop393 · 09/08/2023 20:03

Wow! That sounds good! I thought it'd be things like yoga, or zumba ..... I'm thinking it's going to be good!

Sounds bloody amazing to me. Can I go instead?

ImATrain · 09/08/2023 20:33

@MrsCrouch i’m still with you that a 5 hour meal sounds hell. As that’s 5 hours of sitting and small talk, not moving sound/chance to zone out

fetchacloth · 09/08/2023 22:02

This doesn't sound at all bad OP.

Jillybloop393 · 09/08/2023 22:02

ImATrain · 09/08/2023 20:33

@MrsCrouch i’m still with you that a 5 hour meal sounds hell. As that’s 5 hours of sitting and small talk, not moving sound/chance to zone out

Feed me for five hours - I'll make as much small talk as you like!! 🤭🤣

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 04:59

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 11:15

ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen?

Her bloke’s seen as unsupported in his career? In military circles it would definitely affect his promotion chances.

Her bloke’s seen as unsupported in his career? In military circles it would definitely affect his promotion chances.

Which military circles and which decade?

DH was in the Forces for 37 years and this was never a thing and it certainly isn't now.

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 05:02

The activities that I know of are an escape room type thing, off-road driving, and a meal which is a 5 hour long fancy tasting menu sort of thing.

But @MrsCrouch can't you just opt out?

User1755387908 · 10/08/2023 05:18

I wouldn't like any of those activities, but some people would, depends if it is what you would like.

missadvertised · 10/08/2023 05:49

I'd be tempted to get my husband to tell the organiser that you haven't been well recently and are recuperating and having to take things easy.

Therefore, depending on how you are feeling, you may have to dip in and out of activities and take a break.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 10/08/2023 06:09

Neither of us would want to go. However, if you are going for your dh, the good thing about activities are you will be busy doing the activities and you may feel less requirement to make conversation.

HoppingPavlova · 10/08/2023 06:14

I think this is one of the oddest things I’ve ever read. If DH got such an invite from his company he’d never even tell me about it as it would be so absurd. He’d just respond immediately that it was just him going. People’s partners would work, noone would take time off their own work to go to such bullshit, and if it’s on the weekend why would anyone go if they are not personally being paid to participate in such a travesty?

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 06:23

That's why I am wondering if the OP is mistaken @HoppingPavlova? It's very unusual. Employers sometimes provide optional "treats" for partners along with the employees for them to enjoy but not team development activities for non-employees.

Sueveneers · 10/08/2023 07:28

OP this sounds like my idea of hell, and no doubt yours. Look, if your husband really loves and understands you he won't want you to be uncomfortable. He would take your needs into consideration and accept this would make you uncomfortable. You need to tell him you can't go, and he needs to respect and have compassion and understanding for you and your needs. Tell him NO. No husband would want to make their wife miserable and uncomfortable.

RampantIvy · 10/08/2023 07:33

Look, if your husband really loves and understands you he won't want you to be uncomfortable. He would take your needs into consideration and accept this would make you uncomfortable.

I agree. DH doesn't like large groups and being with people he doesn't know. He is not a person who joins in stuff. If I had been invited to something like this I wouldn't even invite him because I know the answer would be a flat no. I think it is unfair of the husband to make the OP feel preessured to go.

Oblomov23 · 10/08/2023 07:55

off road driving, then tasting menu sounds like my idea of heaven.

NoSquirrels · 10/08/2023 08:06

MrsCrouch · 09/08/2023 19:47

Sorry for lack of response, have been dealing with a poorly dog the past couple of days.

The activities that I know of are an escape room type thing, off-road driving, and a meal which is a 5 hour long fancy tasting menu sort of thing.

If you were willing to do the meal then that’s already baked into your introvert energy expenditure - and a tasting menu being lots of small courses is useful as there’s plenty to ooh over on the food so easy chit-chat if needed.

Escape room, low introvert energy expenditure as you can be the silent one when everyone else is vying to crack the code! Or skip it, I guarantee no one will care.

Off-road driving you won’t be chatting much to strangers. But personally I’d hate this as an activity so I’d say no. Again I doubt there’d be a problem politely refusing.

I think you should stop assuming your presence is particularly required. You can join in if you would like to, but the tram-building is a requirement for your DH, not you. He obviously can’t duck out of an escape room with his colleagues but you definitely can.

Pigeon31 · 10/08/2023 09:50

lol at off road driving. "Hey, X's work colleagues, I don't drive - let me take the wheel!!! It'll be exciting!"

RampantIvy · 10/08/2023 09:58

I would hate off road driving. I don't see the point in tearing up the countryside in the most environmentally unfriendly way possible.

"I get travel sick" it "I don't drive" should suffice.