Page 26 | To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

CallieRedux · 2023-08-07T13:14:37+00:00

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself. It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have. Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor. Do it. Please.

VimtoPassion · 10/08/2023 17:55

I don't think it's a good thing for any family to be reliant on one job. Over a long marriage there were many times when we were saved by the fact there was another income. Redundancy, illness, a spurious disciplinary case and ultimately death. All awful situations, but all worse if they'd involved a sole income.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 17:55

Ohmygiddyauntie · 10/08/2023 17:52

Education and training isn't a finite resource. Maybe some are content with average. Very few people are remembered for their endeavours at work.
Children and families are a long standing and universal legacy.

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My point was it's taking place from someone else who could have made use of the training.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 17:55

VimtoPassion · 10/08/2023 17:55

I don't think it's a good thing for any family to be reliant on one job. Over a long marriage there were many times when we were saved by the fact there was another income. Redundancy, illness, a spurious disciplinary case and ultimately death. All awful situations, but all worse if they'd involved a sole income.

Yup, this is it! It's very risky.

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 18:01

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 17:43

@TheaPrentice here is a new thread where OP dh hasn't paid rent for 2 months and she hasn't got the money to pay it.

My dh hasn’t paid the rent ffs | Mumsnet

She's on verge of being homeless. This is why people are advising it's not good for women to be dependent as the reality is the pay slips are in his name and no court will make anyone transfer 50% over after divorce.

She isn't on the verge of being homeless.
Don't be dramatic and lie.

Islandermummy · 10/08/2023 18:03

I don't think we need to have a competition about whether working inside the home or outside the home is harder (although I did find mat leave harder than returning to work!). Nor do we need to deprecate working mums for using childcare.

I do think it's right to caution women against painting themselves into a corner. I had never really thought about it but I can definitely see how one could drift into a really vulnerable position.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:05

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 18:01

She isn't on the verge of being homeless.
Don't be dramatic and lie.

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How am I lying? She can’t pay rent, won’t she get kicked out as her DH hasn’t paid it?

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:05

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 18:01

She isn't on the verge of being homeless.
Don't be dramatic and lie.

Show quote history

Isn’t it same as mortgage, if you can’t pay mortgage - the bank repossess the house = homeless? Then what?

parliamoglesga · 10/08/2023 18:08

TheaPrentice · 10/08/2023 17:36

"Yup ultimately the pay slips are made to his name, he is the one who earns it and signed the contract"

I have been following this thread on holiday @anonymousxoxo and I can't really work out why you are so triggered by the concept of a SAHM?

It's only a woman looking after her own children you know. It's nothing unusual!

I can see you point about men in your office being able to work later etc because they have a wife at home. I completely understand that.

But, aside from that one valid point, you seem unusually pent up about SAHMs. You've been on multiple threads for days now. Why? Is it because, despite all your protestations about 'I have my own money' etc, you know, deep down, that your husband would never share his money with you or financially support his family the way you see other men doing? Is this the real issue why you protest so much? You can't count on that?

If you yourself can't understand the special bond between a mum and baby, well your DH never will. If you only see things as 'my payslips' and 'his payslips', this is the type of man you will probably get - ie. one who wouid never financially support you or his children. Who thinks giving you money is optional.

Anyway, it's not about 'payslips.' I would never recommend living on someone else's payslips (well, not for too long). The point you are not grasping is that some families act as a unit. It's irrelevant who earns what. They spend as one unit (no need to hide anything from each other); they take out mortgages and investments as one unit. They don't transfer money between each other. Over the years, it doesn't matter who earned what because they have built lives together - they have made money on their investments or property etc. - so many variables. My husband has never referred to anything as 'my money' in over 20 years! How could he - he has a family. He has a certain pride and identity in providing for his family - most men do. Well, the ones I know do. I've never heard of men with children keeping their own private money once they have children - most people would think of this as peculiarly controlling (at best) and abusive (at worst).

I don’t think @anonymousxoxo is triggered at all. I hate hate hate that phrase being used to describe someone who’s making a point in a calm manner. We cannot all have the same POV on things but disagreeing wholeheartedly does not mean you’re “triggered”

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 18:08

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:05

How am I lying? She can’t pay rent, won’t she get kicked out as her DH hasn’t paid it?

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She made a payment today.
Have you even read the thread?

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:10

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 18:08

She made a payment today.
Have you even read the thread?

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In her OP it said she couldn’t afford it. Idk why you’re so happy about women being dependent on a man! But, ok.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:11

parliamoglesga · 10/08/2023 18:08

I don’t think @anonymousxoxo is triggered at all. I hate hate hate that phrase being used to describe someone who’s making a point in a calm manner. We cannot all have the same POV on things but disagreeing wholeheartedly does not mean you’re “triggered”

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I don’t understand why I’m triggered that I want women to be financially independent and their own career, not dependent on a man but ok..

parliamoglesga · 10/08/2023 18:13

I should add as well that I’m an 80s kid (born mid 80s) and my mum worked full time from when I was 6 months old in a professional job (teaching) that would not have allowed for part time in those days. it was most unusual in that era and in that profession to not have a career break.

it’s never once affected my relationship with her and tbh she is the one who has drilled me about having my own money.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:13

She said: don’t have the money to pay it all - I did wonder why he had some extra money .

I can’t see where she said she’s paid and the last update was 6 hours ago? 20 pages long!

manontroppo · 10/08/2023 18:15

TheaPrentice · 10/08/2023 17:36

"Yup ultimately the pay slips are made to his name, he is the one who earns it and signed the contract"

I have been following this thread on holiday @anonymousxoxo and I can't really work out why you are so triggered by the concept of a SAHM?

It's only a woman looking after her own children you know. It's nothing unusual!

I can see you point about men in your office being able to work later etc because they have a wife at home. I completely understand that.

But, aside from that one valid point, you seem unusually pent up about SAHMs. You've been on multiple threads for days now. Why? Is it because, despite all your protestations about 'I have my own money' etc, you know, deep down, that your husband would never share his money with you or financially support his family the way you see other men doing? Is this the real issue why you protest so much? You can't count on that?

If you yourself can't understand the special bond between a mum and baby, well your DH never will. If you only see things as 'my payslips' and 'his payslips', this is the type of man you will probably get - ie. one who wouid never financially support you or his children. Who thinks giving you money is optional.

Anyway, it's not about 'payslips.' I would never recommend living on someone else's payslips (well, not for too long). The point you are not grasping is that some families act as a unit. It's irrelevant who earns what. They spend as one unit (no need to hide anything from each other); they take out mortgages and investments as one unit. They don't transfer money between each other. Over the years, it doesn't matter who earned what because they have built lives together - they have made money on their investments or property etc. - so many variables. My husband has never referred to anything as 'my money' in over 20 years! How could he - he has a family. He has a certain pride and identity in providing for his family - most men do. Well, the ones I know do. I've never heard of men with children keeping their own private money once they have children - most people would think of this as peculiarly controlling (at best) and abusive (at worst).

The thing is, you never know that your DH is an arsehole until it’s too late. The relationships board is littered with women who would have sworn blind he was a perfect partner. Until he wasn’t.

And yes - I do think it’s a crying shame that some women give up high flying, intellectually stimulating careers to be SAHM. It’s almost always because the “D”H can’t be arsed to compromise at all, dressed up as “my job is too important and senior to compromise”. The wife then dresses it up as some kind of free choice.

Thankfully, there are an increasing number of two working parent families in my area (academia and medicine) that give lie to the fact that the Man Job is too important to ever pick the kids up from school. If a two surgeon family can make it work, no one else has any bloody excuse.

parliamoglesga · 10/08/2023 18:16

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:11

I don’t understand why I’m triggered that I want women to be financially independent and their own career, not dependent on a man but ok..

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I think triggered is a buzzword.

can’t defend a point these days without being “triggered”

JamSandle · 10/08/2023 18:17

Absolutely agree.

I absolutely shiver when I hear some women say they want to live on a man's money.

Absolutely dangerous.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:17

parliamoglesga · 10/08/2023 18:16

I think triggered is a buzzword.

can’t defend a point these days without being “triggered”

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Yup

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:20

manontroppo · 10/08/2023 18:15

The thing is, you never know that your DH is an arsehole until it’s too late. The relationships board is littered with women who would have sworn blind he was a perfect partner. Until he wasn’t.

And yes - I do think it’s a crying shame that some women give up high flying, intellectually stimulating careers to be SAHM. It’s almost always because the “D”H can’t be arsed to compromise at all, dressed up as “my job is too important and senior to compromise”. The wife then dresses it up as some kind of free choice.

Thankfully, there are an increasing number of two working parent families in my area (academia and medicine) that give lie to the fact that the Man Job is too important to ever pick the kids up from school. If a two surgeon family can make it work, no one else has any bloody excuse.

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You're 100% right. Those men are selfish and see household chores beneath them. These same men would be happy if the kids lived with the mother after divorce and do everything/anything to avoid paying maintenance.

SAHM can argue until sun goes down that the money is joint, however:

He signed the contract
The payslip and pension is in his name
He can get a mortgage due to salary/pay slips

Should never be dependent on anyone, I'd say the same if it was a same sex marriage.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:21

JamSandle · 10/08/2023 18:17

Absolutely agree.

I absolutely shiver when I hear some women say they want to live on a man's money.

Absolutely dangerous.

Very!

tattooedteagull · 10/08/2023 18:22

Wish I could like this a thousand times over!

TheaPrentice · 10/08/2023 18:39

Yes, of course you can want women to avoid financial vulnerability. Don't we all.

Its obvious though that how financially vulnerable you are is far more complicated than 'SAHM v WOHM.' Financial vulnerability depends on all sorts of factors - eg. assets / passive income; whether you own your properties or have mortgages; debts; savings / investments; geographic location; size of family and so on so on. Reducing it to 'SAHM or WOHM' is weird because millions upon millions of women who work will be far more financially vulnerable than many SAHMs. People make decisions in relative terms.

It's up to each woman to protect herself and her children - Yes absolutely! But it's a far more complex issue than railing on about SAHMs as if they are the cause of all woes and doom and gloom. Some will be vulnerable, others will not. Just like working women. It's all relative. And what is the point of linking to other threads all the time? You could find a thread about literally any woman in any scenario, including working mums being financially abused by men who won't share finances with their wives - the mothers of their children who they have brought into the world. When the hell did this become optional for men and why are women colluding with it? It's as if they've been brainwashed because this is certainly not 'equality.' And it's definitely not 'feminism' to pander to these men and facilitate their attitudes.

There seems to be a thread like about such 'men' every day. It's not SAHMs who are the problem. It's men who see supporting their families as somehow optional and who have no integrity. And the women who facilitate this misogyny, mistaking it for 'equality.' It's NOT equality and it's certainly not 'feminism.' It's deplorable. When men can get pregnant, give birth and the whole aftermath, then we can have a different conversation.

ithoughtitwasyouelectricblue · 10/08/2023 18:56

OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 14:59

I agree with you. I'm also horrified by the number of women here who have children without getting married and then end up so vulnerable, often without a pension or an income.

When I had my first child I was married, very high earner, no siblings, oodles of inheritance due his way. I had a moderate income and nhs pension. I got shafted by his far superior (ie expensive) lawyers and whilst I got school fees paid I ended up with less equity than I put into the home. I just couldn't afford to fight for a better deal (ex would get his solicitor to write to mine almost daily saying fuck all but I'd get billed for the envelope getting opened. My solicitor and I agreed he would open them once a fortnight and not bother me unless a decision needed to be made to save costs).

My other two children were born without a marriage (I was keen, he wasn't). I thank my lucky stars he wasn't keen. I was always the consistent high earner (many promotions) and I walked away with my full pension intact, my career in excellent health and so pleased it turned out that way because he turned out to be an absolute arse and has spent 6 years pulling every trick in the book to not pay CMS.
He always said he didn't need a pension as we could quite comfortable live off mine and he didn't have to 'waste' his money on one .... 😂😂😂 oh how I laugh now as I approach NHS retirement age or at least an age to consider it. He will have very modest inheritance and a grabby sister who will have her hands all over every penny she can get.

TheShellBeach · 10/08/2023 19:10

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 18:13

She said: don’t have the money to pay it all - I did wonder why he had some extra money .

I can’t see where she said she’s paid and the last update was 6 hours ago? 20 pages long!

I can't help what you can't see!
She's made a payment.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/08/2023 19:35

TheaPrentice · 10/08/2023 18:39

Yes, of course you can want women to avoid financial vulnerability. Don't we all.

Its obvious though that how financially vulnerable you are is far more complicated than 'SAHM v WOHM.' Financial vulnerability depends on all sorts of factors - eg. assets / passive income; whether you own your properties or have mortgages; debts; savings / investments; geographic location; size of family and so on so on. Reducing it to 'SAHM or WOHM' is weird because millions upon millions of women who work will be far more financially vulnerable than many SAHMs. People make decisions in relative terms.

It's up to each woman to protect herself and her children - Yes absolutely! But it's a far more complex issue than railing on about SAHMs as if they are the cause of all woes and doom and gloom. Some will be vulnerable, others will not. Just like working women. It's all relative. And what is the point of linking to other threads all the time? You could find a thread about literally any woman in any scenario, including working mums being financially abused by men who won't share finances with their wives - the mothers of their children who they have brought into the world. When the hell did this become optional for men and why are women colluding with it? It's as if they've been brainwashed because this is certainly not 'equality.' And it's definitely not 'feminism' to pander to these men and facilitate their attitudes.

There seems to be a thread like about such 'men' every day. It's not SAHMs who are the problem. It's men who see supporting their families as somehow optional and who have no integrity. And the women who facilitate this misogyny, mistaking it for 'equality.' It's NOT equality and it's certainly not 'feminism.' It's deplorable. When men can get pregnant, give birth and the whole aftermath, then we can have a different conversation.

You're assuming that it's only men who won't 'share' their finances. I wouldn't marry someone who expected me to hand over every penny to be shared in a joint account.

It isn't financial abuse if it's an agreement and it isn't financial abuse if someone has their own money and doesn't need to be supported by anyone else.

manontroppo · 10/08/2023 19:52

TheaPrentice · 10/08/2023 18:39

Yes, of course you can want women to avoid financial vulnerability. Don't we all.

Its obvious though that how financially vulnerable you are is far more complicated than 'SAHM v WOHM.' Financial vulnerability depends on all sorts of factors - eg. assets / passive income; whether you own your properties or have mortgages; debts; savings / investments; geographic location; size of family and so on so on. Reducing it to 'SAHM or WOHM' is weird because millions upon millions of women who work will be far more financially vulnerable than many SAHMs. People make decisions in relative terms.

It's up to each woman to protect herself and her children - Yes absolutely! But it's a far more complex issue than railing on about SAHMs as if they are the cause of all woes and doom and gloom. Some will be vulnerable, others will not. Just like working women. It's all relative. And what is the point of linking to other threads all the time? You could find a thread about literally any woman in any scenario, including working mums being financially abused by men who won't share finances with their wives - the mothers of their children who they have brought into the world. When the hell did this become optional for men and why are women colluding with it? It's as if they've been brainwashed because this is certainly not 'equality.' And it's definitely not 'feminism' to pander to these men and facilitate their attitudes.

There seems to be a thread like about such 'men' every day. It's not SAHMs who are the problem. It's men who see supporting their families as somehow optional and who have no integrity. And the women who facilitate this misogyny, mistaking it for 'equality.' It's NOT equality and it's certainly not 'feminism.' It's deplorable. When men can get pregnant, give birth and the whole aftermath, then we can have a different conversation.

I very much doubt your assertion that millions of women who work are more vulnerable than SAHM, and if anything it would be the other way around. That is exactly why the debate is reduced to SAHM vs WOHMs, because SAHMs generally are more financially vulnerable.

For every SAHM on Mumsnet who says they have pension contributions paid and a BTL providing income, I’d bet there are at least 5 more with zero independent source of finance.

And you can rail all you like that it’s a disgrace that men take so little responsibility - that won’t keep a roof over your head when your “D”H has deployed the divorce lawyers or kicked the bucket at the age of 45.