To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Exactly

'What else is there to do?"

This says it all really.

Do you really feel you have nothing to offer your children day to day, beyond what can be offered by a carer or nursery? Can you possibly imagine anything?

Cuddle crying baby? Take toddler to stay-and-play? Paint pictures? Tidy up painting stuff? Read with kids? Help kids with homework? Make baby food? Change nappies? Keep up skills and knowledge base to return to employment? Manage finances? Batch cook food? Arrange playdates? Make pass the parcel for kids' party?

That's not a very demanding list imo

Don't be silly.
If a couple decides between them that one of them should stay at home with their children, they also ensure that there will be enough money in the pot for both parties to retire on.
Separately, if necessary.

So I’ve had a good read at all these and whilst I work full time and struggle to understand why anyone would relinquish their financial independence I do know it’s a personal choice for each family.

that being said, this is the crux of it. Many (too many) women are poor in their old age and lacking in pensions and substantial savings.

leave work and be a SAHM mum if you wish but make sure you’ve future proofed your finances

It's not about a list of tasks. You are their mum! Unlike a carer or nursery, you love them and will go the extra mile with them. You know them best. It's not about bloody hoovering ffs! It's about giving your children experiences, education, socialisation and security and doing it YOUR way, day on day out l, without having to rely on people who are only with your kids because they are paid.

Quite right; that is what DH and I did.
I was a SAHM for quite a while when the DC were little, but went back to full time work eventually.
DH and I each have a pot of money, and we also have a combined account.
Nobody needs to be dependent.

The list of things I have to do at work is much easier to manage- not because it's shorter, bit because i've trained for years to do those things and they just come naturally. Anyway, those were just exemples of SOME of the things- it's not the full list, duh! 🤣

They are generally with my kids because they are passionate about childcare and early education. The pay is poor, they certainly aren’t in it for the money.

Absolutely agree. Even if it turns out you are married to a wonderful man and nothing awful happens, financial security gives you choices.

I do that and work!

1000000000%%%%%%%%%%%! This will bells on, idk why any sane women would make herself financially dependent on a man knowing what feminists went through

I know I manage to do that and work full time, must be superwoman over here!

Yup ultimately the pay slips are made to his name, he is the one who earns it and signed the contract

I think the actual point of the thread is that the majority of couples do absolutely nothing of the sort. Leaving the SAHP (generally the mother, as you pointed out) up shit creek when it all goes wrong. Not all couples but most of them.

"Yup ultimately the pay slips are made to his name, he is the one who earns it and signed the contract"

I have been following this thread on holiday @anonymousxoxo and I can't really work out why you are so triggered by the concept of a SAHM?

It's only a woman looking after her own children you know. It's nothing unusual!

I can see you point about men in your office being able to work later etc because they have a wife at home. I completely understand that.

But, aside from that one valid point, you seem unusually pent up about SAHMs. You've been on multiple threads for days now. Why? Is it because, despite all your protestations about 'I have my own money' etc, you know, deep down, that your husband would never share his money with you or financially support his family the way you see other men doing? Is this the real issue why you protest so much? You can't count on that?

If you yourself can't understand the special bond between a mum and baby, well your DH never will. If you only see things as 'my payslips' and 'his payslips', this is the type of man you will probably get - ie. one who wouid never financially support you or his children. Who thinks giving you money is optional.

Anyway, it's not about 'payslips.' I would never recommend living on someone else's payslips (well, not for too long). The point you are not grasping is that some families act as a unit. It's irrelevant who earns what. They spend as one unit (no need to hide anything from each other); they take out mortgages and investments as one unit. They don't transfer money between each other. Over the years, it doesn't matter who earned what because they have built lives together - they have made money on their investments or property etc. - so many variables. My husband has never referred to anything as 'my money' in over 20 years! How could he - he has a family. He has a certain pride and identity in providing for his family - most men do. Well, the ones I know do. I've never heard of men with children keeping their own private money once they have children - most people would think of this as peculiarly controlling (at best) and abusive (at worst).

It's not even "just" divorce. My wonderful husband died. I was well provided for with some life insurance/house paid for and his pension (although as he was young, that wasnt much). I'd have got by and supported my children somehow, but the fact that I'd maintained my career and was able to return to well paid work myself, in time, made life long term a whole lot better than it might have been.

No ones triggered but that's how the court will see it.

If you get divorced, will the company make him pay SAHM 50% of his salary?

Courts like clean breaks. He will have to pay maintenance yes unless goes for 50/50.

Just seems a big risk for a pay slip that's not in your name. Same with getting mortgage/credit history. This thread is about women gaining financial independence, don't you want that for women?

@TheaPrentice here is a new thread where OP dh hasn't paid rent for 2 months and she hasn't got the money to pay it.

My dh hasn’t paid the rent ffs | Mumsnet

She's on verge of being homeless. This is why people are advising it's not good for women to be dependent as the reality is the pay slips are in his name and no court will make anyone transfer 50% over after divorce.

My aunt never did. Her dh was abusive, she never left, first the kids and then because she couldn't afford to /afraid of change. She got a job at 60, 16 hours a week (been working for the last 5 years) and last month finally left the bastard. Her kids were ecstatic for her.

My dad has always encouraged us all to study and earn our own money. He said he hoped our lives would end up well but if marriages or relationships went sour he wanted us to be able to stand on our own feet and support our kids, to have choices.

I have separate finances from dh and always will, it works for us. We are in it for the long haul and are happy but if ever things went sour I know I've got the ability to provide for my kids (would have to up my hours and need childcare) but still doable.

I have separate finances from dh and always will, it works for us. We are in it for the long haul and are happy but if ever things went sour I know I've got the ability to provide for my kids (would have to up my hours and need childcare) but still doable. best way to do it.

There's a thread going where OP can't afford to pay rent, her DH has missed 2 payments. On verge of being homeless!

As I said, I wouldn't recommend just living off 'his salary.' That's not enough security.

But, as a SAHM, you are looking at your family's overall assets in assessing your financial security. It's not just about 'income.' For instance, how much is your house worth and do you own it outright? Do you have other properties or investments? All these type of considerations determine how financially secure you would be if you ever separated.

You need to look over on relationships board with SAHM posting how vulnerable they are. Everyday there's a new thread where a man doesn't want to share his money!

You're talking from a rich perspective, but there are SAHM with low earning partners. Everyone needs their own payslips tbh to get a mortgage and have credit history. Otherwise, after divorce completely fucked when trying to get a house! All banks ask for pay slips.

Education and training isn't a finite resource. Maybe some are content with average. Very few people are remembered for their endeavours at work.
Children and families are a long standing and universal legacy.