To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Having money you and only you can access in an emergency is crucial I think. Joint accounts can be emptied by a toxic partner before you can get to them, but if you have your own account, even if the money is technically a marital asset, it will allow you to get to safety and maybe get yourself some accommodation. Maybe you'll have to pay it back at the end of a drawn-out legal process, but in that moment when you need to get out, it's entirely worth it.

My DD is only 15, but very bright. I’m going to make sure she knows she can always come to her dad or I if she’s got no FU fund, but I’ve raised my DD with an example of a strong female in her life in me, she’s heard me saying so many times about never relying on a man etc. Maybe apart from her dad, though he was not great to me, he adores her and would have the cash in an instant if she ever needed to get away

I would at least urge women to be (able to be) financially independent if possible. I say able to be as there are times, when I was on mat leave, that I was financially dependent on DH's salary. But at all other times I haven't been.

If he buggered off I could afford the mortgage and bills on my own for a while, that's good enough for me.

I totally agree. I was in my 20's when I had to leave my first marriage. I had nothing but my children's clothes. It was awful. I vowed I'd never get myself in that position ever again.

Mine are all adults now but I've drummed it into them about keeping a little fund aside. But I also have a fuck off fund in case they ever need it.

I opened an account in my sons name and kept it hidden

@Uncooperativefingers I suppose you could buy items you need post divorce though I’m unsure what would be classed if at all as a deliberate deprivation of the overall marital pot. Plus how do they know how many bank accounts you have, I have accounts with 3 banks and building societies, was 4 at one point.

As I understand it, any money goods you owned before and bring into the marriage are not classed as a "Matrimonal Assets".

Anything you buy during the marriage is.

You really need a solicitor's advice to clarify this.

I'm less shocked.

The numerous, bitterly contested SAHM vs. WOHM threads on this site are testimony to this issue. I have no reason to care how other women structure their paid and domestic labour and I dont' care, but the deeply personal commentary surrounding this issue is something else. The objections run pretty much along the lines of: 'SAHMs are 'hated' on MN '. No more than other random groups of people: MiLs, DiLs, etc. 'They are undervalued by society'. What's their value to me? They can knock themselves out living exactly as they please and I'll offer no judgement or comment: just don't expect me to endorse your choices. I DGAF. 'Women should support other women's choices'. Why? Women owe no one 'support' for their decisions on the basis of shared XX chromosomes. Especially when they happen to think those decisions are really stupid.

As for the myriad 'waiting for a romantic proposal' threads, thus handing over a major decision for the future structure of their lives to a man, well frankly anyone daft enough to do so a thing is the author of their own misfortune. You want a thing, ask for it. If you don't get it then at least you know where you stand and can make your own decisions accordingly.

I CBA to waste time judging other women's choices, but nor can I pretend sympathy when choices such as the ones above have the predictable result. Actions have consequences. If a woman wants to live without considering the implications of these - and on top of it gets all pissed off or complains of feeling patronised when the reality is pointed out to her - all I will say is on her head be it.

Well done, that's a seriously impressive achievement 👏

I completely agree.

I’m very happily married to the nicest, kindest, loveliest man in the world. However, I know that if our marriage were to to breakdown, the man I’m married to is likely to be very different to the man I’d be divorcing.

What a terribly cynical way to live life.
As for the OP, everyone should have a decent backup plan in terms of money - not just women.

Depends on the length or marriage, if it went in to paying for a house etc. Inheritance if kept seperate is usually the only guaranteed money you won't have to share.

If you get to the point where you're getting your ducks in a row, start withdrawing cash, so you have an external source of emergency funds - just in case of any shenanigans.

Its sensible though! The person with more assets/money should think very carefully before getting married as they have a lot more to lose.

I agree OP, me and DP contribute proportionately to bills and household stuff and then have the same amount each month to spend or save- I have about £25k in my savings and also a property that he has no claim to. Works for us.

This. It just was never any other way. From the get go. Joint account for bills, childcare, food, mortgage. Seperate personal accounts and savings. Even if he had insisted pooling it all - I would never have it any other way. And guess what - it impacts our relationship not one little bit. Of course, we are equal earners. It would be different if a woman was by far the lower earner/staying at home and vulnerable financially.

That's only a problem if she becomes a stay at home parent.

The biggest bizareness i hear on MN is -

"But my earnings would be wiped out by the nursery fees - so "we" decided it was best for me to stay home as I earn so little anyway - it's what made sense for us xxx"

Hang on.

1. First - you don't work just to see how many pennies are left after childcare during nursery years. You work for you. Your pension, Your independence. Your career trajectory. Your skills.
2. Second - "they are only ickle for only so long xxx" works for dad too. Yet, remarkably - they appear to only stay ickle for so long for mums....because of the age old "but he earns 5x more than me" ..so..
3. We as a society need to genuinely be asking what's happening here, where mums are magically seemingly ending up earning 5x less anyway, than dads. WHat's happening at school, at GCSE and A level subject choices, further ed and skills choices - that we have a glut of people (apparently) - where men make 5x more money than the women they are partnered with.

I cant ever be bothered to respond to the "but that's what WE decided for US, because my wages would wipe out with nursery/they are only ickle for so long" because of the sheer lack of foresight involved.

I agree but also try not to be a smug shit and realise that life isn’t that simple for a lot people. My finances have taken a battering from Covid, Ill health, Poor mental health, Domestic abuse and disabled child. Some days are a good day when my children are fed and happy.

Same here. 31 years together. 20 married. Never had a joint account. Bills are paid between us, ditto shopping etc. He pays more than me because he earns more. We have our own savings. We've never argued about money.

Agree. This post should be bumped, daily, until every MNetter has read it.

I do not currently have my name on our house deeds - I’m married and it was supposed to be short-term as we both m pay the mortgage but 5 years on, I’m still waiting for DH to agree to sort it. Well now I inherited some money so I have agreed to pay the mortgage off but I told DH I won’t send the money til I see the application to change the Title has been sent.

DH makes fun of me for it. He said “oh shall I print it on yellowing paper and frame it for you?” I said, “sure, then if I ever divorce you it will make the paperwork so much easier”.

i know technically I’m entitled to half the house anyway but still… I want that in writing.

i keep my money and he keeps his, in a muddle. But I have savings and I will jealously guard my right to keep them.

I completely agree with you but this is not a popular view on MN.

IRL, I have never come across any woman who has abandoned her career and made herself financially dependent on a man after having children, but on MN this seems to be very common. Even in 2023. It has been quite the eye opener.

Me too. No joint account and never have had one; own savings. Married 24 years, 3 DC.

I pay mortgage, insurance and food bills. He pays council tax, fuel bills, most car stuff and DC mobile phones. I don't even know how much he pays out in a month.

If we have enough over between us, we (all) go on holiday.

Whilst I absolutely agree, and having been in the position of having to walk away having access to money made it vastly easier, however I would have walked with or without the money.

What galls me is that it’s just another thing in a very long list of things women need to do. I mean it’s all so contrary….don’t have children until you get married, but don’t get married if your the one financially better off, make sure you pick a partner who will carry and share the load equally with you, but also be prepared to carry the load by yourself because you should never allow yourself to become dependent on a man, be a great hands and present mother, but also don’t give up your career or independence, plus you’ve got to set that good example to the kids….and on and on it goes and now we all have to have a fuck off fund just in case he has an affair or turns into an abusive bastard too!

I am not saying it’s not sensible, it absolutely it but FFS wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just rely on someone and trust them without having to have a fuck of fund, or not feel guilty every time you had to dip into said fund because the kids suddenly all needed shoes or the boiler broke.

A fuck off fund, whilst a being a savvy and sensible thing to have, it’s also a bloody luxury for many and just another thing for women to feel guilty about not having, when in reality it’s just a crying shame that we live in a world where one would ever be needed in the first place!

This also needs to be taught to girls in school. Financial independence is SO important and not having it is one of my biggest regrets.