To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

@TrixieMixie That's really not what I'm trying to say. I definitely don't know everything, believe me i haven'tgot everything in life figured out at all. What I was trying to say, and obviously failed, was that rather than teaching woman that they can never trust anyone completely, which I think is a really sad way to live, we should be teaching woman to expect more from the people they marry than a lot of people do to start with. Don't assume he will change, don't ignore red flags (not always easy I admit but sometimes they are obvious to everyone including the person choosing to ignore it, not just me) and don't put up with someone who treats you anything other than amazing. I'm not saying these people are easy to find but I am saying don't settle. Because if you do find them, then you should be able to trust them. So many posts on here start with someone complaining about their partner being completely useless or selfish or never having stuck up from them to PIL and the whole point of a partner should be to add to your life, make it better, there is literally no other point in committing to someone these days - you can get everything they 'provide' elsewhere 😉
BUT I did make it clear from the start, that I know its easier when you had a good/easy start in life. I still think though the emphasis should be on being pickier than on never trusting them.

I wfh 4 days a week in a professional job with a well known company and good progression. No point giving that flexibility up and working 8-4!!!

And yes I don’t use it for childcare. I use it for my career (remote working) and drop off/pick ups

I think the best reason for getting a good education, saving up and investing, buying own property and concentrating on a career is that you are more likely to attract a similar partner. City laylwyers usually marry city lawyers, doctors often marry doctors etc. Ideally, a woman would want to be financially successful and marry someone equally successful, and then have the options that joint financial investments and 2 high earners bring. If that means staying home/working part time, that's then a feasible option if a divorce would yield several millions, a mortgage free family home and a high maintenance payment.

@DrasticAction morning, haven’t read all of this but had to comment on your post - I worked in a professional services firm (very big one), was about 15 years ago - I was a senior manager so relatively skilled and in a technical area.
There were 6 SMs in the team, 3 male 3 female, all doing exactly the same role (and before Big 4 partners come on board to quibble - it was a new, specific area with individuals who had all come through the ranks at broadly the same time so was much more comparable.)
I was the top graded that year of the 6, and somehow - I think I just asked ! - found out everyone’s salary. The 3 guys were on £80k. The three women were on £64k. I think this really was routine. So I told the partner in charge. Guess what, within a week the 3 women were on £80k. No other compensation, all very quiet.
They’ve sharpened their act up since then thank goodness.

I had my "running away fund" for 28 years before I needed it. So glad I did it put a paid for roof over my head until the divorce went through

Shocking some women treat their partners as if they are their young children. A stay at home mother looks after the children, not after a grown man. How disgusting some men will let their partners iron their shirts and make them breakfast. Bleugh. And bleugh. What is wrong with those women and men.

I have been in a career where part time working was possible. So for the best part of the past 17 years I have worked part time. I feel I have had the best of both worlds and the person making sacrifices was actually my DH who missed out on time with the kids when they were tiny. Now I don't feel I have the capacity to work full time as the job of full on and makes me mentally exhausted and grumpy. To have this choice is a luxury.

Plus point for him - whilst he has a lot of responsibilities at work now, he also has a lot of flexibility and is high earning. I am not.

If we were to divorce I wouldn't demand 50% of everything as most of our material goods are due to his wage. I have told him he needs to look after the kids needs and I will look after my own. Yes my standard of living will go down. However if I wasn't married to him, it would be a lot lower than what it is now anyway

Well you are also muddling private with public - public sector there is barely any work done by anyone, forget the need for after hours presence

@Isaidnomorecrisps unfortunately and it's bizzare for such a carer woman that our boss doesn't seem go address it.

People have tried to gage from m hr but it's app closer shop..

This, until men are as likely as women to be SAHP. Women still will be at some disadvantage due to childbirth and recovery time needed but the gap would be a lot smaller.

@NellyBarney on paper this sounds good.. And I can't deny I hope my own dds end up in good career with partner in good career.. However in RL this doesn't always work, where love comes in...

I know my dh parents were so excited when I first met dh and they dropped me off at our lovely family home in an expensive town.
I could sense their approval.
However they didn't realise that family home was soon to be sold and my patents divorced leading to very difficult and different living arrangements and the emotional fall out deeply affected me.
I had put too much of my reserves emotionally and mentally into their horrific divorce I didn't concentrate on myself at a critical time getting jobs.

Dh then wasn't exactly a promising prospect either however...

When his dp realised I didn't have ££ behind me and dh then was also floundering in the work front they actually treated us v differently from she sister eg being invited to family and friends events.

Sorry, I'm rambling here. The point being that dh and I are both gainfully employed and our issues we had melted away with each other and we have both brought money to the table and it's gone in see saw fashion. We are not well off by a long shot but we love each other and it's sort of worked for us.

Neither of us have amazing careers but we made some sacrifices years ago that are paying off now.

I would be very happy with 100 grand extra but we are just about happy with our lot... And can pay to fix the boiler. People sometimes have different goals and for me to have a reasonably happy home life is key.

The thing is, if you go into relationships with the mentality too often expressed by supposed 'feminists' on here that it's fine for him to think of his money is his ('he earned it') and you believe that separate finances are the only way to go, this is the exact type of man you will likely get - ie. the type more likely to screw you over in the future.

This is an interesting perspective, as what I see is the opposite. I am a feminist and see our income as family money. I think women who don't are often those who've been conditioned to expect not only to shoulder the burden of home life- but also to devalue it and feel they should grateful for the opportunity.

I agree

I like to keep my finances separate. I don’t want to combine or join them. I’m happy to pay a percentage of my salary towards bills. I don’t want my credit history ruined or tied to someone else.

I work 40+ hours a week sometimes (45) due to travel and have to deal with managers/colleagues work. I’ve earned that money through my hard work. It’s primarily mine, I signed the contract and that money should go to my bank account. I’m the one who studied for years and put myself through university.

I have no desire to fund someone to stay at home to do childcare, household chores and maintenance as many people do it alongside full time work. I’d rather pay for childcare.

Ultimately, working is harder than being a SAHM parent due to the factors I’ve listed above.

There’s also performance reviews, working with colleague and general sexism against women workers.

I like to keep my finances separate. I don’t want to combine or join them. I’m happy to pay a percentage of my salary towards bills. I don’t want my credit history ruined or tied to someone else.

For me as a feminist, I don’t feel the need to shoulder the burden of home life cost wise or childcare wise or household chores - I want the money I earned for myself, my children and treats as I work hard. I want to increase my credit history and maintain that.

I work 40+ hours a week sometimes (45) due to travel and have to deal with managers/colleagues work. I’ve earned that money through my hard work. It’s primarily mine, I signed the contract and that money should go to my bank account. I’m the one who studied for years and put myself through university.

I have no desire to fund someone to stay at home to do childcare, household chores and maintenance as many people do it alongside full time work. I’d rather pay for childcare.

Ultimately, working is harder than being a SAHM parent due to the factors I’ve listed above.

There’s also performance reviews, working with colleague and general sexism against women workers.

Here's a thread where a SAHM is refusing to work even though they barely make ends meet and her 3 kids are in school/nursery.

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house | Mumsnet

I wouldn't want to fund that.

DryIce - I think you are agreeing with me!

Personally, I would not have children with a man who wanted separate finances. It is a very unattractive trait and I have zero interest in that mentality.

The issue is for that lady, she feels she’s got enough to do without working as well and she’s probably not wrong.

It feels very unfair, and it probably is.
But and ive said this time and time again and I’ve watched friends do it. You do not have three children with somebody who earns 22 grand a year. If in your mind you’ve made a decision you would like three or four children you will need to marry somebody who earns a lot more and in order to do that you’ll need to earn a lot more yourself a somebody else that up the thread.

There’s really awful consequences for the children in these situations who didn’t asked to be born

No I wasn't being snarky, I did think that was an interesting perspective as is the opposite of what I had thought.

I don't think everyone has to do life how I do it, people split their finances loads of ways. I also don't want to fund anyone to sah for me.

I do feel sahms are devalued in general though - I personally prefer to work than stay home. And if I had a sahm like my male colleagues I feel life would be super easy! So I feel its quite obnoxious when those men talk crappie about their sah wives, laud themselves for "earning all the money " and benefit from it!! And they expect their wives to be grateful

@anonymousxoxo - that is foolish and she needs a job.

Looking back over 40 + years of marriage I think we made the right decisions in ensuring that my career continued despite having 4 DCs and that income and assets were always joint. We are a team. If we split (not likely at this point) assets would be split 50/50 and I'm fine with that. At any point, they would have been enough to allow both of us to start over.

Initially DH earned more (he was established in a hard to get into career that doesn't pay massively well but is very flexible) and I focused on building my career in an industry that pays well, but offers little flexibility.

From my early 30's, I earned more, but DHs flexible working patterns meant we could juggle 2 FT jobs and DCs. Now I earn over 3 x what DH earns, but 1/3 of that goes on an expensive hobby. DH has no interest in the hobby but doesn't care that I spend 'our' money on it.

When we are both retired, DH's pension will be 2 x mine. The hobby will continue, but done in a less expensive way.

Yeah, that is true. She hasn’t been bought up to be told that she needs to work for a living, that’s another issue

They’re about to lose their home but still refuses to get a job

Yeah, this is the way to do it.