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Original poster

To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

782 replies

CallieRedux · 07/08/2023 14:14

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Anxioys · 08/08/2023 21:44

5k is peanuts. You need more than that if you don't have a job.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 08/08/2023 21:54

@Anxioys well obviously the more the better, and the easier your transition would be.

I'm in the incredibly fortunate position of being able to say that if I needed to walk out of my house right now with nothing but the clothes in my back I have ready access to enough money to pay a years worth of bills without working or to put down a house deposit and keep working full time. It amazes me every day that I'm in this position, I'm from a family that regularly had bailiffs at the door, I learnt about 'forgetting' to sign the check to the electric company to get a few extra days before paying from my mum. Working full time, pushing myself to progress, building a career without any qualifications, forcing myself to keep going even though I was knackered (DD didn't sleep through the night till she was gone 4yo, I was back at work FT when she was 9months), all of that has meant I'm now on a really good salary and can build a nice safety cushion.

But it's not realistic to think that most people would be able to do that, £5k is a lot of money, to a lot of people and would be hard for the vast majority to save.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2023 21:56

@JLou08

Some people want to be stay at home parents and I don't understand why others are so against it and can't leave people to make a personal choice without judging them.

You're completely missing the point: it's not about judgement. It's about self-protection.

Plenty of people want to be stay at home parents but it's a massive financial gamble: its like playing Russian Roulette. You might be fine, your husband might be honourable and everything might be tickety-boo. But there's a fairly high chance your marriage will not survive your lifetime. And you're leaving absolutely all the financial control in the hands of someone else who you may or may not be able to trust to provide for you after they've lost interest in you. Unless you're independently wealthy, it's just a very risky thing to do.

Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:01

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime - I had to actually do this, and run out of my house. 5k is not enough.

Even if you are employed, fighting for your due against a much wealthier man takes cash. You need assets and access to credit. And if you don't have a job the your access to the last is going to be hard unless you have assets.

Okay to the fund, but it's only a start.

XenoBitch · 08/08/2023 22:07

I have only had minimum wage jobs, and when I became to poorly to work, I could not claim anything benefit wise as my partner earned way too much. I literally had no money of my own to put away.

I don't think I am the only one in that situation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/08/2023 22:10

JLou08 · 08/08/2023 21:02

I worked in childcare for a few years and agree so much with this. Luckily I have never come across abuse but have worked with people who have had a poor attitude that I wouldn't want around my children. I also know they are very busy, there are several children to each worker and there is paperwork to do, staff breaks, children that are more challenging taking up most of the staff time. Children in nursery get very little quality time or attention, which is fine once they get to 3/4 as that is when they should be playing more with other children, can do group activities and have developed the imagination to play alone and can build them skills more being in a group of large children. However, birth-3 are going to do better with 1:1 attention from a care giver who knows them well.

That just sounds like a poor setting with poor staff though. Having a SAHM isn't automatically better just because some nurseries are poor, some SAHM's are poor too.

My baby's nursery is excellent. His keyworker knows him well and he gets plenty of time and attention. It isn't 1:1 but the only children that get 100% 1:1 care are children without siblings. Plenty of SAHM's have multiple children.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/08/2023 22:18

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/08/2023 20:20

Finding out my husband was hoarding a secret stash of money, in a loving marriage would be a deal breaker for me.

What's the point in getting married if you're keeping secrets?

Only having a joint account would be a deal breaker for me.

The money in my account is mine, I worked for it and I earned it. It's mine. My husband has no idea how much I have in my personal account but then it's the same with his personal account too. He worked for it, he earned it, it's his.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, nursery fees etc which we pay our fair share with but everything else is in personal accounts for us to do as we wish. We only discuss purchases if it will effect the other person such as a holiday with friends and childcare is needed.

GG1986 · 08/08/2023 22:26

I will be raising my son and daughter to have a fuck you fund! My parents never taught me to save and made me think debt was a normal part of growing up, I am now mid 30s and finally have 6k in savings.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2023 22:28

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/08/2023 20:20

Finding out my husband was hoarding a secret stash of money, in a loving marriage would be a deal breaker for me.

What's the point in getting married if you're keeping secrets?

I mean I wouldn't get married anyway so this doesn't really apply to me.

The main reason I wouldn't get married is that I don't accept the commonly held view that because you love someone and are committed to them you are expected to pool your finances.

I've earned all my money alone. I love my partner and trust him (at the moment) but I worked, earned and saved for nearly 30 years before I met him. Why should he be entitled to have of money I earned and saved ten years before I met him and which I have earmarked for my daughter after my death? That makes no sense to me and I would be deliberately sabotaging mine and my daughter's financial security if I got married.

When you have shared children it makes sense to pool finances as far as they relate to those children and I think if one partner decides to stop work to care for those children the other partner owes it to them to support them. And obviously if you live together it probably makes sense to have a shared account for mortgage/bills.

But I fail to see why because you love someone you are expected to automatically hand all your money over to them? I don't have secrets from my DP about things that are important but I don't owe him half of my lifetime's earnings just because I love him.

ErinBell01 · 08/08/2023 22:30

My mother gave me this advice when I got engaged and I made sure I listened to her. When I was on maternity leave I loved getting the child benefit and putting a couple of pounds into a secret savings account. It came in useful when we bought a bigger house as I'd got enough for the deposit. I still save, there's more in my savings than in DH's and we're still together. But as OP says, you need that power and independence.

Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:33

I think the point is that marriage is really to protect children. The law provides for that on divorce; it's not focussed on adult women, and it increasingly doesn't make maintenance or awards on the basis a woman has stayed at home, while it used to be generous, divorce increasing reflects a clean split which will be made on the basis a woman can earn.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/08/2023 22:40

Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:33

I think the point is that marriage is really to protect children. The law provides for that on divorce; it's not focussed on adult women, and it increasingly doesn't make maintenance or awards on the basis a woman has stayed at home, while it used to be generous, divorce increasing reflects a clean split which will be made on the basis a woman can earn.

It's to protect children but also to protect the primary carer who sacrifices his or her earnings in order to raise the children (which in 90+% of cases is the woman).

What it wasn't designed as is a free for all which allows anyone who is married to grab half of their OH's assets on divorce. Divorce law is totally inappropriate for situations where a woman is both financially independent and raising and caring for children: it takes no account of the amount of domestic labour that's gone into the marriage and increasingly allows a lot of unscrupulous men who have done very little in the way of childcare or domestic labour to benefit from the upside of their wife's earnings.

Unfortunately the law isn't subtle enough to distinguish between these two situations.

Which is why it's usually a very bad idea for a female breadwinner or a woman of means to get married.

Anxioys · 08/08/2023 22:51

Hard agree.

kitsuneghost · 08/08/2023 23:05

Find the term fuck you fund very offensive.
It's nothing to do with fuck you
It's my wages in my account.

It's not some kind of one-up
It's not some secret
It's jit some hidden stash
It's not squirreled away
It's just mine is all

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 09/08/2023 00:09

JANEY205 · 07/08/2023 16:57

I will add tho that I wanted to be a SAHM to support my child with additional needs and also as I worked in childcare for years and they will never treat your children as well as you can. I was in nursery from 6 weeks old and with childminders on the holidays I HATED IT. I was so envious of my friends who got to be home after school and at the holidays from school. I was also abused by my childminders child. Sorry if this is controversial, but many posts are crapping on women who choose to be SAHM’s, but I never wanted my children looked after by someone else. Even in nice nurseries your child is still vulnerable and not getting the love and care they would from you. Look on the Reddit childcare boards if you don’t want my word for it (and I do think there is benefit to children attending part time nursery over age 3 but research suggests no benefit before then).

Childminding is completely reliant on trust with very limited safeguarding possible. It's not fit for purpose as a concept.
Nursery will not treat the kid as their own but there are other benefits and safeguarding is usually reliable.

FindingNeverland28 · 09/08/2023 03:53

Absolutely. I’m in the process of rebuilding my savings after buying a house with my DP. I’ve also said for MANY years that if I wanted to go part time after having children, I would never decrease my hours, so much that I’d have to rely on my other half (I started saying this YEARS before I even met my DP). I wouldn’t want to be in the position where I was up sh*t creek and couldn’t afford anything on my own. I remember having a conversation with my Dad and he made a comment about when I have kids, either giving up work or going part time. I think he may have been remembering my mum doing that for a while when myself and my brothers were young. When I explained to him my reasons for not wanting to do this, I could actually see the penny drop.
As it happens, I am the higher earner out of the two of us and we couldn’t afford it if I went part time anyway.

chopc · 09/08/2023 06:35

All this "women who sacrifice their careers"- most women who stay at home have not given up their careers as there wasn't one to start off with or they worked in very low paid jobs.
I know a few women who had fantastic jobs / careers who no longer work and that's because they didn't want to - not because their husbands wouldn't do their part but for their home life it worked better for them not to work. None of them see it as sacrificing their career though as if they really wanted the career they wouldn't have given it up.

anonymousxoxo · 09/08/2023 06:48

chopc · 09/08/2023 06:35

All this "women who sacrifice their careers"- most women who stay at home have not given up their careers as there wasn't one to start off with or they worked in very low paid jobs.
I know a few women who had fantastic jobs / careers who no longer work and that's because they didn't want to - not because their husbands wouldn't do their part but for their home life it worked better for them not to work. None of them see it as sacrificing their career though as if they really wanted the career they wouldn't have given it up.

I agree

DrasticAction · 09/08/2023 07:59

@Combusting

Because sexism still very apparent in work place.
My boss is a fabulous woman and I see her as a bit of a mentor and I admire her but she's paid the men on the team MORE.

I can't see how it's allowed. I really can't.

DrasticAction · 09/08/2023 08:05

@JANEY205 i agree and for very personal reason there was no way I was handing mine over. I've also seen "behind the scenes" in a few nurseries and care homes.

Also because I was a sahm I saw a good few many child minders as well.

I would always urge great caution and research and Google. when the child is with the child minder or nursery just occasionally turn up unannounced and surprise them and see what's going on,same with anyone in old people's home. Obviously not all the time but just now and then turn up unannounced.

TrixieMixie · 09/08/2023 08:08

Frazzledmum123 · 07/08/2023 19:03

@Thepeopleversuswork No I acknowledge there will always be people who cover their true selves and it isn't 100% foolproof but I do think a lot of the time it is obvious the partner isn't great. My DH has his faults as do I but I know that whatever happens, one of us cheated or fell totally out of love with the other, our focus would be the children's wellbeing first and foremost and so neither of us would screw the other completely. That I would bet my life on

Well as my mum would say @Frazzledmum123 ’I hope it keeps fine for you.’
It must be great to have all the answers and foresight that elude so many of your fellow women. Hurray for you!

royalwatch · 09/08/2023 08:08

Agree

i work. Always have. Not
married but if the relationship went wrong, I could walk away with independence as im not reliant on s man to fund me or my
kids

i have a close friend currently divorcing with nothing. She’s so financially strapped, she’s landed herself a new boyfriend who wants to move in. I think that’s her only choice . Im sickened by it . She gave up work when kids were born

Ohyousillydivvy · 09/08/2023 08:16

For the SAHMS, consider remote working while the kids are at school! I did a remote admin assistant job for a few years. Covid really helped because a lot more better paid remote/hybrid jobs became available. Previously, I struggled to find an office job that fit round school and hospital appointments.

I earned only £7k at first but then increased it to £12k annually after 2 years. Not much but it was mine and went towards household contributions. I'm now earning £40k + bonus so I've bit more than quadrupled my earnings in 5 years.

Filter the search criteria to remote and or hybrid. I really urge all you SAHMS to get at least a remote job for your own financial protection.

Ohyousillydivvy · 09/08/2023 08:18

https://www.charityjob.co.uk/

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 08:19

chopc · 09/08/2023 06:35

All this "women who sacrifice their careers"- most women who stay at home have not given up their careers as there wasn't one to start off with or they worked in very low paid jobs.
I know a few women who had fantastic jobs / careers who no longer work and that's because they didn't want to - not because their husbands wouldn't do their part but for their home life it worked better for them not to work. None of them see it as sacrificing their career though as if they really wanted the career they wouldn't have given it up.

No that’s understandable.

All the more reason to hammer home to your daughters the importance of earning as much money as you can before you start having children (and ringfence it by not getting married).

We don’t do our daughters any favours steering them into caring and creative professions over the sorts of jobs which are more likely to enable them to support themselves.