To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Trouble is there are many women that don’t want a job let alone a career and figure motherhood means they never have to.

I went to school with girls and that’s literally all they wanted to do, had no other life goals. They then end up with the first person they shack up with even if not right for them and even if they are an arsehole.

This still happens and I’m old! Some women are just vulnerable from the minute they are born due to various social situations.

I would encourage every woman (but especially straight ones) to have some version of The Book.

The Book is what my husband and I take to the pub before any major life decision. House, baby, wedding, moving in together, etc.

• What do we know? What do we need to find out? What does the law say?
• How much money do we have? How much do we want to spend?
• What else do we need - to buy, to decide? What practicalities are there?
• What do we each think is fair?

It all goes in the book, and we sit there googling things and checking MSE, etc. Work out a plan that suits us and then try our best to follow it.

In a way, it isn't The Book that's important - it's vitally important that you can have these conversations upfront with your partner. You shouldn't be coming to MN five years post fact to see if strangers approve of what you did.

It only works if your partner doesnt try and take it.

friend married a loser, no kids, divorced but arguing over financial consent order as he gets little as a result - as he was a lazy shit who spent money if he had any and didn’t bother to work much or save. Judge thinks friend should give him more!!!! Fucked up!

Brilliant.

That's a super approach - must remember these questions! (Just for myself!)

100% agree. I’m a SAHM and whilst married, I definitely couldn’t just leave my husband if I needed to as I wouldn’t be able to support my children. I plan on going back to work as soon as my youngest is older. I’m a SAHM as my oldest has special needs but once he is in school and my youngest at nursery I will absolutely be going back to University to get a well paid job.

Yeah trouble with that is what happens when it’s your money?

Marriage in those circumstances is a disastrous idea.

There’s a whole other thread on this at the moment.

I totally agree about the Fuck Off Fund but marriage is not the silver bullet a lot of people think it is.

The closest thing there is to a silver bullet is just not to stop working.

This is important as it is for women to understand once they give up economic control to someone else they are vulnerable. I know some woman choose to be SAHM by choice and otherwise but even then please make sure you have full access to money , that nobody else controls it .
If I pass anything to my children is to never be financially dependent on others .

Regardless of whether you have your own savings account, it will go into the matrimonial pot to be split between you if you divorce. I speak from experience, it made absolutely no difference whose name each account was in, all the assets were tallied up and divided- that's the law. Worries me to see how many women think that any money in their name won't be accessible to their husbands on divorce - that's just not the way a marriage works in the eyes of the law.

It's a great idea OP but there's no point in 'literally BEGging' women who are turning to foodbanks to feed their families.

100% this.

Literally anything you can scrape together and put away. Something is better than nothing.

@overitunderit yes, exactly. DH and I have everything in joint names - current account, savings account, mortgage, house. We are married so everything would go into one pot anyway, so not sure there would be much point me having a separate savings account?

I have considered this. I suppose the one thing that it would really help with would be if I thought there was a risk he was about to empty the joint accounts and/or I needed access to a bit of money fast that he didn't have access to.

I'm sure a lot of men would like to know that too.

I will add tho that I wanted to be a SAHM to support my child with additional needs and also as I worked in childcare for years and they will never treat your children as well as you can. I was in nursery from 6 weeks old and with childminders on the holidays I HATED IT. I was so envious of my friends who got to be home after school and at the holidays from school. I was also abused by my childminders child. Sorry if this is controversial, but many posts are crapping on women who choose to be SAHM’s, but I never wanted my children looked after by someone else. Even in nice nurseries your child is still vulnerable and not getting the love and care they would from you. Look on the Reddit childcare boards if you don’t want my word for it (and I do think there is benefit to children attending part time nursery over age 3 but research suggests no benefit before then).

This is so true.

Oh how I laughed when my then DP suggested I give up work when our DC was born, despite the fact that I earned 2 x what he did, was a very high earner, and paying two thirds of the household bills.

All because he was uncomfortable that I earned more than he did, not only would our household income have shrunk considerably, I would have put myself at an awful disadvantage being unmarried, and having no job, if we ever split up.

Lo and behold that's exactly what happened 6 years and another DC later. Not only was I able to walk away from the emotional abuse, I was able to buy my own house in a lovely area, and continue in my full-time job, as well as secure even better roles.

I thank my lucky stars that I have always maintained financial independence, having started work at 16 (in part-time jobs alongside studying). I am going to teach my DD to do exactly the same; never ever rely on a man to save you, and have your secret stash ready to go!

Marry if you are likely to be the lower earner in your relationship, don't if you're going to earn more.

Having a crystal ball would be useful. I was the higher earner when we got married, later spent years being the lower earner and am now equal earner.

Yes Yes Yes to this!

Money creates power over your own circumstances. Money equals independence. We all need and deserve this.

The fact that your own savings will obviously be matrimknial asset, however, that doesn't mean thay they cannot be used to move out or pay current rent/mortgage if the other moves out and pay for solicitor. That's the point. It allows options for the person.

DH and I have separate finances. If we were to divorce of course these would all be counted and split fairly as agreed or secided by the judge, but before you get to that point it takes quite a while and the money provide the option to leave.

I am not fan of the hiding money bit though. We are not hiding money, we know each has savings and approx how much etc. We just keep our separate access to them.

Same here. Been together since 1984. We've never had a joint bank account.

I agree. While the idea is wonderful, and we’d all love savings to fall back on, the reality is very different. People on the poverty line are barely making ends meet. Contrary to the OP’s post, poor people can not always save. Even a little.
Poverty too is often cyclical and takes a big shift, generally, to break.

yip i'm agree. i've always been a spender, not a huge earner, nhs nurse. only now i'm kinda like i really should be saving. we moved to a run down house. money has ran out and still need loads done.so wish i had saved more so now totally listening to you all who have been smart. like u said it's having power and choices. wish me luck, always something needed, but need to be ruthless and just save. i can actually save money that i can get straight out. need more places like this to put money away.

That’s because they become SAHM

100%!

I think this is right. I wouldn't allow myself to be financially dependent on another adult... I mean I'm close to my oldest friends, but conflict of interest would arise if I depended on them and expected them to know what's best for me. Sadly the overlap of interests you have with a man even after having a child together isn't necessarily that great.

I agree, they just don’t want to work and be funded.