To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

When women have children they make themselves on incredibly vulnerable. So my advice is don’t have children with men you hardly know or those who have proved themselves untrustworthy.

Yup. Even if you know your partner would never screw you over. My DH was the most wonderful man and would never have left me/cheated etc but he DID die, and not knowing if I could keep a roof over my daughter's head was terrifying. I will never own a house again that I can't afford on my own.

I did the same. It had less than £2k in it, but when the shit hit the fan, I really was so grateful for it.

Several years later I had £20k to fall back on when I could no longer teach (burnout) and spent a year doing freelance lecturing. Without that money I wouldn’t have been able to leave a job that was likely to kill me.

Both my DC save as well as they can given COL crisis.

Yep. See and hear this ALL the time and I genuinely don’t get it. Why do so many women fall for this nonsense?! Giving up work because their wages won’t cover childcare costs. I mean WTAF.

One friend explained to me that her ‘D’H felt it was better for to become a SAHM as her £36k would barely cover nursery fees. So she gave up a job she loves and is at home bored witless with 2 young DC.

Meanwhile he earns £175k but “pays the bills and the mortgage” so it’s fair. He is building up a pension, his career and has a wad of disposable income at the end of the month. None of which has to be spent on childcare because his money is too precious for that.

The sad thing is my friend feels grateful. After all he gives her shopping money each month and reminds her that the kids are only young once. I truly despair.

Same here. I wouldn't give up that financial freedom for anything. I don't understand why so many women think it should all be joint just because of marriage etc.

@Lillygolightly

I agree with you.

However, I don't think it has to be a Fuck Off fund, per se.

My siblings are all well off & happily married. They all approach money differently.

What's needed is women to
a) understand 🚩 (don't minimise them - which I did)
b) see childcare as a shared cost not 'oh it's not worth it for me to work'
c) have honest discussions about money before marriage, and keep checking both are on the same page, regarding priorities, debt & savings. (I have a SIL who is a high earner. She is brutal with money. Before marriage she & DB split up about it. Ultimately they got back together & have a system. They are both high earners, but he earns more. She has access to a certain amount of money freely. He manages most of the rest. She can pretty much have anything she wants but he is in control basically. They agreed she would save. Her salary & savings are hers. I don't think I could live like that. However, it works for them & the point is - they addressed it head on & before marriage)

The reality is women will spend more time having & caring for DC. This will almost certainly impact their career & earning potential, at least for a time.

Women need to be cognisant of this & ideally both people need to plan for & around this. But certainly women do.

I agree. I know lots of people think a marriage is about sharing finances but fuck that. We both pay half the bills and share food / kids costs but he’s shit with money and I save. I am building my career and enjoy spending my money on whatever the hell I like. If he runs up a credit card that’s on him. No joint account, not my problem. And if I ever needed to leave I have my savings, my account, nobody else has access too. Nobody can fuck me over.

That said, we are very happy and I love him to bits but financial independence helps me sleep at night.

I feel like I’ve never been able to say this out loud, but the comment lingering in the back of my head on this topic is “Did someone tell you that having children would be free? Why would not expect them to cost money especially for nursery?”

On the working front and career prospects I think it is one area that shorter maternity leaves start to make sense. In general women are out of the workforce in the US for a far shorter amount of time with less disruption to their careers than in countries with longer maternity leaves. While it can be disruptive and have long lasting consequences, I don’t think that’s the norm. There is also far less options for PT, job shares, and reduced hours for women. So careers are less likely (not eliminated) to be mommy tracked.

Everything on this thread is so foreign to me. I can see why women have to think this was in British culture, it's so sad.

You can be more vulnerable by being married if you are the higher earned or if you have more assets. Being married is not by default the best thing.

Agreed.

In my particular situation, in Ireland, I am worse off by being married, especially in terms of the approach taken to DC by the utterly unfit for purpose court system.

I have to nail a smile to my face every time I hear of a couple getting engaged (but that's just personal bruised feelings from me)

Also it was until recently much harder to extricate oneself from a marriage eg 4 year wait post separation (reduced recently to 2 years)

I completely agree. My DM told me to always have my own money and I always have. I've watched friends get tied to men who run up debt and spend all my friend's savings. I've watched family be left with nothing when they split up and suddenly have to re-enter the workplace in their 60s with no savings and no pension.
It's unpopular on MN but myself and DH have always had separate bank accounts. I trusted my DM's advice over MN There can be a lot of coercion and guilt around money in relationships. We've never argued about money. We split joint/family expenses fairly, discuss large purchases and have never questioned each other's spending. I have more savings and a bigger pension than DH.

I mean that's great. But in reality if a woman is doing this, they almost certainly don't see this fact themselves!

And you can have DC with a man who appears trustworthy and you think you know - and it goes v wrong (me).

You can even keep having children with him despite his poor / problematic / deceitful behaviour because he gaslights & manipulates you into thinking there's no issue or it will change.

It's not simple.

Absolutely. No joint accounts for DH and I. We split everything fairly. Most of the equity in the house is mine and is thus protected.

OP I could not agree more.

As a financially independent 51 year old woman the advice I always give younger women is work towards financial independence as it creates choice.

I'm a lone parent, I can do it because I prioritised my career earlier in life.

I buy gold and silver coins with the Royal Mint (online, they hold the coins at the mint you don’t physically get them unless you want to). I can trade them in for cash at any time. But it doesn’t show on credit searches or as a bank account so easily hidden assets.

I have drummed this into my daughters heads. My fuck you fund was with my mum. Now 7 years post divorce, although not rich, I am doing ok

Im financially comfortable after years of hard work, which I dont do now. & nade some good investment decisions which also means I can relax now. But its never been as a consequence of any man. I like nice things, and a life as stress-free as I can make it. Whether single or not.

But not everybody has access to decent money. So they cant have a fuck off fund. Even if they're working. Life can be expensive. Again, whether single or married. There are a lot of posts having a dig at SAHM today, why their life seems to rile other women is another story.

Don’t forget your pension, make sure you are paying in the same as your DP/DH if in a relationship

But what you have in your favour is not actually your separate savings & pension (tho these are great) - you have a spouse who you are financially compatible with, that you can communicate well with & is open to this way of being.

All of this hopefully means that you'll have a long-lasting happy marriage!

Because your higher pension absolutely would be taken into account in a divorce settlement, as would your savings.

My point is - it's not only about money. It's about thought processes, backing oneself & having honest & open conversations about money.

In a 17 year relationship my ex & I never had one conversation about money that didn't end in a row. There were so many 🚩🚩🚩🚩 and I ignored them, to my ultimate detriment.

Unfortunately at the moment lots of people are struggling to pay their bills and feed their kids so saving money is just a dream for them.

This is what I’d advise everyone to do.

Have a joint account and then separate accounts.

I posted this on another thread a while ago and so many posters were saying it’s a stupid thing to do as all money should be joint money.

It not only gives you the freedom to leave/be left and not financially ruined.
But it also saves so many arguments. If you want to spend £200 on a handbag or him £200 on a golf club then there doesn’t need to be any discussions or defending your purchases because it’s your own money to do what you want with.

I agree. Get a pension. A lot of women are in poverty when older. A state pension is not enough for a good life, don't delude yourself

Everyone should have an escape fund. A prepaid credit card is perfect if you can hide it.

This! It’s worked for me for 30+ years.

Yes.

But they can still have honest, open conversations with their spouse, and ensure that they are not the ones that would be disadvantaged in the case of a split.