Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

@MrsMorrisey i dont see any connection with my post?

Sometimes , when my children come to me with a complaint , before I let them tell me there said or what happened, I ask them to first tell me what there brother and or sister is going to say about the incident.

Often in telling it from the other person's perspective they often realize that the situation is not as black and white as the initially perceived.

In this scenario for instance, would the children all agree that there was some articulated agreement that they would all arrive on the spot at the exact same moment and should the site be visible sooner to one party rather than they others that party would close his or her eyes and not open them until such time as the others could Bob see it? Would they say that dad ruined the experience by not following the articulated plan? Would they all agree that there was a stipulated plan about the !moment of viewing?

Is it possible that the husband might have feelings just as intense and meaningful to him about this experience as the OP's are to her? Could he even feel that he made some possible contribution to his family having this experience - perhaps not calling the travel agent or airlines or hotel but maybe it was financial or making arrangements for pet sitters,etc.

This is the kind of issue that is probably best solved with counseling where both sides are forced to listen to the other's perspective. The situation then becomes a tale with more than one side.

It is unfortunate that the OP did not enjoy her trip. It seems as though she and her family talk but they do not communicate.

This particular day it wasnt a regular walk or needing to dash somewhere in a hurry. We werent just walking to the store or back to our car. This was something wed all looked forward to for months as a joint activity. He turned and saw me just before they reached the viewpoint, because i called out hey wait for me. And he turned back and ploughed on. Its the lack of consideration that has really offended me - the walking is just how its manifested.

This is just heart-breaking. He's an absolute arsehole, and I'd go nuclear on him. No way he should be allowed to sidestep this or belittle you for feeling this way.

Thank you @JunkIsland This is exactly how i feel.

On here ive been called irrational, controlling, a 'dawdler' and 'faffer' that needs to somehow just "compromise" by walking faster even though id posted that i was almost breaking into a run.

That ive invested too much in trying to capture a 'perfect Disney moment' for social media where i said no such thing. Why do people assume big experiences need to be for social media?

And that i should have basically submitted a request in writing 2 weeks prior to ask that they consider my feelings and walk with me so we could get there together. Because apparently i was wrong to think that visiting this goddamn thing actually meant visiting it together.

To those fixating on the walking - its the disregard and lack of consideration, even after i called out asking them to wait, that has brought this to a crunch. Seems i need to spell that out to some people.

To those saying being left behind and missing their kids' reactions wouldnt bother them in the slightest, good for you. My post was about how it made me feel. Many replies have totally invalidated my feelings on this and made me out to be some obsessed OTT joy enforcer when i just wanted to share something special with my kids. Hell, what a crime. Ive never posted here before and lots of these comments mean i wont again.

To those who got the point of my post thanks for replying and showing some empathy. Id be pretty crushed by so many of these comments otherwise.

Off topic but threads like these make me worry about the general public being part of our judicial system. Op laid out the facts yet so many others just made it about something different. Imagine a MN jury. Awful.

He's sounds like a disrespectful arsehole

OP I get it, I have this with my DH too and it drives me mad. I'd have to jog to keep up with his walking pace yet he claims it hurts to slow down.

Consequence is I try to avoid walking anywhere with him because it's not an enjoyable experience.

I am astonished that so few people on here get that keeping up with a man's stride can result in running , we're not talking about dawdling at all.

You're so right. It's depressing how they have to keep twisting the narrative, inventing things and prioritising how they would feel in the same circumstance. I am not sure if it's just contrariness or solipsism.

I honestly don’t get what you don’t understand. OP asked her DP to wait as she wanted to see something with them all, not afterwards. It doesn’t matter if you/me or they don’t think that is important. It would have been nice for them to have waited for her.

This exactly! I’m struggling to see why others can’t understand this.

I share this sentiment. But I’ve always had a worry about public jurys :). None of us is as unbiased as we think.

Absolutely. There’s been a whole load of posts about how it’s her fault for being slow. She explained clearly, early on, that she’s far from being slow. And that this man is one of those who go tearing ahead, barging other people out of the way. Not a normal fast walker. And that he’s thoughtless and disrespectful in other ways. But no, we’ve had post after post about how frustrating it is to be with someone who dawdles and how she is being ridiculous for wanting to walk as a group.

The AIBU topic is very problematic because there’s a contingent of users who love to be vicious in the replies, and others who like to derail the thread and have fights with each other. People post here in good faith and end up completely demoralised.

@Gotthetshirt1 I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this.

Unfortunately a basic grasp of comprehension isn't a prerequisite for posting on a thread. I wish it was.

I understand you OP and your feelings are absolutely valid.

The issue here isnt his fast walking, its that youve told him it bothers you and its well within his power to do something about it, at almost zero personal cost, and he wont do it. He's a selfish prick.

@lifeturnsonadime
Is it possible that it does hurt him to slow down? Is it not possible that he is speaking his truth? Does the fa that his truth is different than your experience serve to invalidate his feelings and truth?

I think that you crystallized the situation for me. The OP is rightly starting her feelings and truth, and no one can say that those are not her feelings and thoughts.

Pointing out her husband's possible feelings and thoughts in no way invalidates her feelings and thoughts. It is just a way of saying that there are many ways to view the scenario described in the posr.

Is it possible that it does hurt him to slow down? Is it not possible that he is speaking his truth? Does the fa that his truth is different than your experience serve to invalidate his feelings and truth?

Well it is possible, of course, but running when I should be walking is a very real problem for me.

I have also noticed that he doesn't complain that slow walking hurts when he is walking at a slower pace when we are out in a group.

So the 'pain' is clearly manageable in one scenario but not another, funny that.

Thank you @FictionalCharacter feels like quite a few posters have replied without reading what id posted and just making me out to be a needy lunatic. Or theyre similar to my DH in just not showing much empathy towards others.

I "honestly don't get" why some posters can't understand that this "special family moment" wouldn't even enter the heads of others, let alone make it apparently spoil the whole event.

The OP can feel as upset as she wants. This is AIBU- not "validate my feelings without question". If it was so important that they saw the whatever it is at the same time it might have helped if she had said so before they set out.

If anything I'd expect children of say 12 upwards to naturally steam on ahead.

The OP can feel as upset as she wants. This is AIBU- not "validate my feelings without question". If it was so important that they saw the whatever it is at the same time it might have helped if she had said so before they set out.

If anything I'd expect children of say 12 upwards to naturally steam on ahead

@NatashaDancing i dont know how i can spell it out to you more clearly. I even called out for them to please wait for me and DH hesrd me, turned and just sped on to the viewpoint.

It isnt normal to have to demand that others have a little consideration for you. It would never occur to me to leave someone behind and make them feel disregarded - on a regular walk from a to b nevermind something wed discussed together so much in advance and been excited to see together.

The kids steam ahead because DH chastises them for 'being slow' otherwise.

Empathy goes a long way, even if you reckon you wouldnt care less in a similar scenario.

Completely get why this wouldn’t enter other people’s heads, Natasha. You’ve posted a dozen times or more explaining why. I also gave an example upthread of how I’d marched my own mum around various tourist sites in the past because it suited me without it crossing my mind she might not be enjoying it.

But the op signalled she wanted her family to wait. It’s not about a mismatch in communication. It’s not about whether some people aren’t bothered about sharing certain experiences in the same way. It’s about whether or not it’s reasonable for her dp to adjust his behaviour out of consideration for her feelings. Even if he doesn’t fully ‘get’ it or it means he doesn’t get to do things precisely his way.

I had one of these OP and I divorced him.

Not only for this reason but I remember hot tears of frustration in the Lake District watching another couple walk up a hill companionably side by side while he raced off yet again with not a backwards look. So much for "spending the day together".

I felt subjugated constantly.

You need to teach your boys @Gotthetshirt1 that ladies have social superiority. This means if their female companion says wait they must wait. It’s easier for men to be selfish. They can barge through the crowds throwing children behind them, but it makes the world a better place if they don’t.

I don’t think there’s much you can do about your husband.

Is anyone wondering where the OP went?