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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
Venu · 08/08/2023 19:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

kittybiscuits · 08/08/2023 19:27

My ex used to do this. I started to cross the road or go in a different direction every time he did it and I told him I would never walk behind him again. Then I left him. Life is so much better without him. Covert narcissist. Horrible.

Venu · 08/08/2023 19:33

Sorry I posted this on the wrong thread sorry!!!

Whosebrightideawasthis · 08/08/2023 19:37

I get it OP, my DH does exactly the same and this would upset me too.

My DH just naturally has a much faster pace than me (he's a good foot taller than me which helps) and I really struggle to keep up. Its not as if I 'dawdle' - I walk at a normal pace, it's just that DHs 'normal' pace is faster. We also have 2 teens but I find that DC1 always keeps pace with DH whilst DC2 matches my pace (or she just takes pity on her poor Mum being left behind all the time).

We've just come back from a week's holiday and it did upset me that we didn't really experience it as a family (we took DDog with us so it was largely a walking holiday). Most of the week was spent with DH and DC1 walking 100 yards or so in front of me and DC2 and DDog running back and fore between us. I ask him to slow down and he does for a bit but then his pace stays to creep up slowly and before we know it he's 100 yards in front again. Ìt also really bugs me in built up areas as I spend half my time trying to find them as they've either disappeared into the crowd, or 'popped into a shop' or turned off the main street etc, etc.

So unfortunately, I've no real helpful advice but just wanted you to know YANBU and you have my sympathies as a fellow 'straggler'.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 19:37

RampantIvy · 08/08/2023 15:30

Is anyone wondering where the OP went?

No. She's posted numerous times

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/08/2023 19:42

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 07/08/2023 06:56

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail? Why can the fucking irritating person who walks v slowly not move a tad quicker to save everyone else from pootling along?? The op said the activity was to see something - why can't you just crack on, see it, then get on with your day? It is entirely possible that the slow walker is the rude one, holding up everyone else.

I walk fast by normal standards. DH walks faster than me naturally. He doesn't expect me to be pushing myself to keep up with him and therefore feel rushed, flustered, hot, breathless etc (depending on the day, place and length of the walk). Because the considerate thing to do is to walk at the pace of the slowest in the group. Not make that person feel bad because their legs don't move as quickly or cover as much ground as yours.

When I walk with other family or friends, it's me slowing down. That's what together means. You do it in a way that makes everyone comfortable not just one of you.

SkySecret · 08/08/2023 19:42

My OH walks insanely fast (I’m tall and a fast walker, but at his own paced he’d leave me for dust!)

but he’d never walk off and leave me, the point is he’s out with me because he loves me and wants to be with me, talk to me, hold my hand and enjoy things with me. It’s worrying that your “D”H clearly doesn’t value this with you :(

SaponificationQueen · 08/08/2023 19:48

TravellingSpoon · 07/08/2023 07:54

I wonder how these fast walkers manage when they have small children. Surely they walk slower then?

My ex BIL was a fast walker. I live in the US. When my sister and her family came to visit San Francisco, we all walked at the pace of her 2 small children. My sister told me later that it drove her husband crazy. He always insisted the kids keep up with him. He was about 6’, double their height.

I just don’t understand people like that. If it’s a family outing, the whole family should walk as a group with the slowest walker setting the pace.

I have mobility issues now and tend to walk a bit slower sometimes. If someone were to walk ahead like OP’s DH and DC, I would most definitely call them out on it. I would not be ok with blatant disrespect like that.

cannockcandy · 08/08/2023 19:50

YNBU at all! I dealt with this for 8 years, it wasn't until after that I saw all the massive red flags that were there. He was 100% a narc and I had a breakdown after our relationship ended.
He always walked ahead of me - I'm 5"1 and he is 6"4 - this always upset me. Until the day we were walking up one of the mountains by us and his one leg dropped into a sinkhole and due to his speed he almost snapped his leg in two.
I'm disabled and walk with a cane, my current partner is 6"2 and he walks slowly beside me!

Gentle hugs darling x

Elly46 · 08/08/2023 20:09

The first thing that sprung to mind was NPD. I’ve read up a lot on this. Apparently people who have NPD walk ahead to consciously or unconsciously show they’re more important as are their needs and it also gives them more opportunity to seek out the ‘feed’ they so desperately crave from others/outsiders. I’m not saying this is the case only that it is a trait of NPD. It’s rude and upsetting either way

AmIEnough · 08/08/2023 20:18

I’m ashamed to say that I do this, I have ADHD and find it almost impossible to walk slower. Sounds daft but it makes me anxious and stressed trying to do things more slowly…..

Nik2019 · 08/08/2023 20:19

I'm so sorry that you're upset, I would be too and your feelings are valid, don't let anyone tell you they're not.

My DH does this all the time. Amongst countless other things. On one occasion when I challenged him about it he told me I was like a dog because I 'kept stopping to look at things' and that his behaviour was reasonable and my objections were not. We were on holiday at the time.

Watch out for other warning signs and get out if you need to. Easy to say and so hard to do, I understand, but life really is too short and too precious to waste.

JudgeRudy · 08/08/2023 20:22

I think you're being a bit dramatic to be close to tears but yes, I can see that you're upset that you didn't get to share that one moment, however.....I don't necessarily think your wants trump his...or even theirs (kids). I'm a bit of a marcher, l also talk pretty fast too. You talk as if your husband should have just slowed down. Maybe if you'd said beforehand how important it was he might have made allowances....but i think you're ignoring his needs. For him part of the enjoyment might include rushing over. I think you're unreasonable to insist your husband snd boys enjoy things in the same way as you and get 'retrained'for your benefit. I do though see that you're disappointed....its just not his fault, or anyone's really. You're just different.
Perhaps in future try the 'just give me this' approach.

pollymere · 08/08/2023 20:22

My husband was brought up in a culture where the wives do walk behind the husband. He tends to walk a great deal faster than I do too. It's taken lots of teasing about me not coming from his culture etc for him to slow down. Holding his hand helps with pace. I find just stopping when he does it so then he looks back and realises how far behind I am also helps. Mine is truly apologetic when he does it. If yours doesn't care, that's a whole different set of problems!

Lovely13 · 08/08/2023 20:24

Ex did the opposite of this. Deliberately walking a couple of paces behind me. Felt like the queen! No matter how slowly I walked, he would lurk behind. This was towards end of relationship. Guess he couldn’t stand being anywhere near me 😳

Isaidnomorecrisps · 08/08/2023 20:31

Don’t listen to the naysayers. ExH was 6 ft and never walked with me. Never held hand. Not sure why he even needed me tbh!
Partner of 5 years, also 6 ft, walks alongside me, we hold hands, he waits. I’m a lot shorter and it doesn’t seem like a problem. Must ask him how he does it!
Anyway I feel for you because you can tell how this has gone on forever and you’re basically belittled. X

Ilovecleaning · 08/08/2023 21:05

Your DH is a total twat. LTB.

Jubelle · 08/08/2023 21:29

My ex husband who turned out to be a terrible covert narcissist always did this. It's horrible and definitely nothing to do with ADHD as I have this and would never do this to my friends/ partner. If you have told him it upsets you and he doesn't care, it's not a good sign

eastegg · 08/08/2023 21:43

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 07/08/2023 06:56

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail? Why can the fucking irritating person who walks v slowly not move a tad quicker to save everyone else from pootling along?? The op said the activity was to see something - why can't you just crack on, see it, then get on with your day? It is entirely possible that the slow walker is the rude one, holding up everyone else.

Is this post for real? Jeez 🙄

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 21:47

Jubelle · 08/08/2023 21:29

My ex husband who turned out to be a terrible covert narcissist always did this. It's horrible and definitely nothing to do with ADHD as I have this and would never do this to my friends/ partner. If you have told him it upsets you and he doesn't care, it's not a good sign

Definitely nothing to do with ADHD. ADHD if anything would make you stop and smell the roses and never get there!

eastegg · 08/08/2023 21:49

I especially love ‘crack on, see it, then get on with your day’. It was one of the wonders of the world FFS!! Gotta be a wind up. Assigned’s post that is.

Elle2018 · 08/08/2023 21:53

OP have you told him specifically why you wanted him to wait on this occasion? Have you told him how you feel about him walking ahead in general?

boboshmobo · 08/08/2023 22:01

Are you slow because I'm very fit and walk fast and slow people drive me nuts.

Or he could be an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Namddf · 08/08/2023 22:07

yogasaurus · 07/08/2023 05:48

I agree actually. I’m naturally a fast walker, I make the effort to slow down, but then the other person seems to slow down even further. I hate dawdling.

Maybe just different people. Compromise is the answer, not one always matching the other.

I agree. I’m a fairly fast walker (not excessive) and I hate it when people are dawdling behind me. And I definitely experience the same thing if I slow down - they just walk even slower! It’s like they want to be behind me? So irritating.

In this case the fact that the rest of the family was also ahead makes me think you might just be a slow walker, and he finds this exasperating?

That’s not to say he shouldn’t have waited on this occasion. I would never walk ahead if we were seeing a landmark as a family.

Namddf · 08/08/2023 22:10

Elly46 · 08/08/2023 20:09

The first thing that sprung to mind was NPD. I’ve read up a lot on this. Apparently people who have NPD walk ahead to consciously or unconsciously show they’re more important as are their needs and it also gives them more opportunity to seek out the ‘feed’ they so desperately crave from others/outsiders. I’m not saying this is the case only that it is a trait of NPD. It’s rude and upsetting either way

What about people who seem to deliberately lurk behind?

I’d be interested to know what this says about their personality (genuinely).

I think it’s just as rude btw.