Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

No, she's posted several times on this thread including just 5 posts above yours!

Where in the world the landmark was.
Well it wasn’t up a mountain.

Having been on a jury, I'd say MN is accurately providing insight into how at least one of them functioned. I would be astounded if it was an isolated instance.

I have reread all of the OP's posts and all they say that it is one of the wonders of the world. I can't see where it says where she actually was.

Sorry!

I thought you meant something else! No I've no idea where she was!

I know full well how this feels OP, sorry to say, you may find other inconsiderate behaviours creeping in.

I can relate to this and I feel for you OP. My soon to be ex has behaved like this through our entire relationship, charging off ahead oftentimes leaving me unclear where to meet him. IME it's a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Depending on the age and maturity of your kids I would actually say to them you are disappointed they didn't wait for you when you called out.

I sympathise DH and the DS are all considerably taller than me so I have to remind them to slow down. The difference is that they do slow down even if they tease me for being slow or short (I’m average height but they range from just under 6’ to 6’3)

It’s not about being a fast or slow walker, it’s about walking as a family. If we are visiting somewhere together then I expect them to match my pace. If we were hurrying back because the parking ticket on the car was about to expire I’d tell them to go ahead.

The OP had asked them to wait for her so they could walk as a family in a situation where there was no particular reason to hurry (the Grand Canyon, Acropolis, Pyramids of Giza aren’t going anywhere) and her DH totally disregarded her feelings.

Totally get this. My H does the same and I have never felt that we are walking together. These days I just leave him to it - if he has marched way ahead he will loose me. Then has to retrace his steps back or wait or call. But I CBA pandering to it any more. Appreciate that won't have worked for you OP as you were headed to a particular destination. But just wanted to send solidarity because it is rubbish.

I've been astounded reading this thread at how the OP has been belittled and sneered at. She organised a trip to one of the world's wonders with her family and wanted to experience it with her family.

You have my every sympathy OP as my ex was similar, in fact I can probably complete the bingo card.

Walked ahead of me including on a very special holiday to the extent that I commented to a friend all I had seen was his back all week.

Rushed around in supermarkets so that I'd have to spend ages looking for him.

Went rushing off holding our newborn when I had had a c section.

Would continuously ask "are you ready? Are you ready? " Whilst doing nothing to prepare except get his own stuff ready.

Sit in the car outside whilst I finished getting myself, DD, food ready.

Would drive off as soon as I got in the car without waiting for me to even close the car door.

Would do the "next thing, next thing" exactly as described by PP. Could never live in the moment.

Would simply say "it doesn't matter" to things that clearly mattered to me like when he accidentally smashed a wedding gift from a friend.

In restaurants the second I put the last forkful of food in my mouth he would be up and ordering the bill.

Interesting how many of these men are ex's,

This is really unpleasant behaviour and symptomatic of a serious lack of respect in my experience.

I'm very short, 4ft10, so naturally I'm not the speediest, I just don't have the stride length. My ex is not exactly tall at 5ft6 but used to regularly march ahead of me, including on what were supposed to be lovely family days out with ds. Would often rush ahead of me when we were walking with ds in the pram when he was baby. I would have to constantly ask him to slow down a bit, or half jog to keep up with him and end up red faced and sweaty while he was cool as a breeze walking at his own pace.

My best friend has previously broken both ankles and sometimes if we've been walking for a while she needs to slow down a bit due to pain. I have never and will never race ahead of her when this happens, because it's phenomenally rude, and we're not exactly walking together if she's ten paces behind me.

My current bf is 6ft2 and naturally walks much faster than I do. We recently took ds for a day out to a museum and by the end of the day I had a bit of a sciatica flare up and was walking quite slowly. Bf slowed down, and very politely explained to ds that he should too because it's not nice to leave people behind and they should be mindful that sometimes not everyone can walk as fast as them. They both waited for me and let me set the pace.

The difference is my bf respects me and I respect my friend, and we all know that charging ahead and leaving behind the person you are supposed to be with is hurtful and rude. We don't have to be reminded to have some consideration for those we are with.

Nope, that was it. Just pressed, instead of.

@Gotthetshirt1 Relationships is better for this kind of issue, you might want to post on there. It's a less confrontational atmosphere.

YANBU

I jokingly said to my husband "are we switching to a new patriarchal system where women walk behind the men?"

It just reminds me of countries where women are treated as second class citizens. ☹️

After several incidences of the same behaviour I said I'm happy to go our separate ways on holiday if needed but I will not trail behind while he strides off at a pace only a six foot man can.....

My DH is exactly like this. He has ADHD. He can't seem to help but always be in a complete rush wherever we go. It is annoying , I get that.

My ex used to do that kind of thing all the time, and I have always been a pretty fast walker etc
3 years ago a dear friend, said of my partner he hates you can’t you see it , actually I had got so used to the madness of him that I didn’t see it
All the strange rude things now make sense
He is a narcissist, he was constantly
justifying his crazy behaviour , looking back it was so obvious.
I chucked him out , and life although a journey
of regaining my self , Is now walked only at my pace . Unless I slow down for some one I want to support or show love to
I would have a stand back and really look at the messages he’s giving you and sadly the effect it will have on your children.
feel your pain bless you

My sons are over 6' and walk way faster than me.

If we happened to get off the same bus on the way home ds2 would say hi and then walk off far faster than I could keep up even if I ran. Ds1 would take pity on me and adjust his stride so we could walk and talk together.

I didn't mind ds2 walking off as we were just going home. If we were visiting some new site and he wasn't prepared to experience it with me I'd probably be a bit pissed off.

I'm not being slow and dawdling on purpose. I'm just overweight and getting on a bit and have a stride significantly shorter than theirs

A lot of people are dicks, and OP's husband sounds like one.

God I remember this. He’d be so impatient when I was walking with DS who was probably 2/3 at the time and wanted to dawdle and look at things. He’s get so cross that when he wasn’t looking I’d pick up DS and run and then as I saw him turning around I’d put DS back down and walk normally. He was want Dr Ramani (on YouTube) calls a mid-range narcissist.

My ex husband used to do this and myself and my three primary age sons used to scurry behind him like ducklings. It made me feel really bad and he used to say well you need to hurry up. Thankfully he is my ex.
You are right to feel hurt.

My dad has done this all my life. my mum used to ask him to stop and wait. he's tall and walks fast so even if i kept pace his stride would keep him ahead. he had not stopped doing this and still does it at nearly 80 yo. he's never had a psych analysis but would be very surprised if he had npd. i find him brusque, thoughtless and tactless a lot of the time, but he is also very empathetic, generous and lacks any materialism whatsoever. he over thinks and does care about other people and not offending them (although he does without realising or understanding why). he has a ridiculous sense of duty and the common good. so i think it's far too complicated to say this walking ahead trait is indicative of npd. it's a pain and i really really dislike it, but i don't write him off because of this. he has literally given his family everything and thinks of himself last so it can be an annoying trait mixed with lots of positive characteristics.

Can you leave him? You need to

My ds is generally a faster walker than me. I usually say "yo, speedy gonzales, slow down a bit." It has worked to the point where he actually matches my speed.
I used to be a fast walker to keep up with my parents, when I had kids I slowed down to their speed. If their dad's were ahead I would ask them to slow down and continue to plod along at small person speed.

I get it OP, to the point that I have stopped even bothering organizing things like this that involve my DH. Someone way upthread said that ´part of the walk is socialising’ and with most people in my life this would be true, but not my DH and probably not yours either. To mine the trip is nothing to do with anyone else - it’s all about his experience. I put it down to his childhood (where he seems to have spent a lot of time on his own) and neurodiverse traits.
One of my kids will generally hang around and chat with me - the other kind of does their own thing.
i think of you want to have meaningful joint experiences you might need to find someone else who actually wants similar to do them with.
Its kind of sad though and certainly not what we expected marriage to be like but here we are.