Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

[Gotthetshirt1]

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

Here is what I think anyway, it’s not about walking speeds or holidays, it’s about being ignored and being left behind by people who mean so much to you.

you would never be so rude to them and that’s why it hurts

He is mean and ignores you. You know it. This proves it. Now your children are mimicking him. No wonder you are upset.

I’m sorry he did this to you so unnecessary, it was a small ask and he won’t even admit what he did was cruel. That’s the worst bit.

it’s really happening, your feelings are real and justified.

DH used to do this, until I started turning back or going somewhere else and leaving him on his own. Apparently he got the hint, because he doesn't do it any more.

This 👆🏼
This is how you train dogs to walk to heel. It works on family members too 😁

The thread isn’t about people who deliberately lurk behind. Why don’t you start your own thread if you want to talk about that? Unless you think the OP was deliberately lurking behind? Which, when you think about it, would be unbelievably weird. Deliberately walking slowly then writing the OP in the way she has, in which she says she’s a fast walker who tries to keep up.

I was in family group when someone did this, it kicked off such a row it was awful awfully funny
Treating your family members like you are training a dog is going to guarantee one thing , no more family outings ( which could be a good thing)

Sorry to hear that.
With human animals it tends to be a bit more nuanced than with pets.
Have a Google of operant conditioning.

@LongDarkTeatime

Yep, done lots of dog training in the past, that’s why it so funny ( to me at least), don’t mix with that family group anymore.
( but I used used to read a lot of Douglas Adams)

My husband did this to me MANY times, even hiking up a mountain with my brother & his girlfriend. Brother (older) fell, and DH not even in shouting distance!

Should have realised when on honeymoon he did not even sit next to me at a spectacular concert as the seat he found had a better view!

Now EX husband..... just took me too long to realise he was a narcissist.

Shame he ruined special moment. I really hope he has other redeeming qualities. 💗

I understand how you feel. My husband always powers on in front of me. He says I am slow but he does stop and turn around till I come up to him. I don’t get upset - just a bit irritated. He’s a good man in many other respects so I go with the flow.

Gosh this! I went on a weekend away with a chap I liked. We went walking in the lakes. He charged ahead continuously. Would then wait (eventually) for me to catch up and then immediately zoom off again. He couldn’t understand why I was annoyed to spend pretty much the whole walk on my own!
He was fine the rest of the time but couldn’t grasp the idea of not charging off up hills!

Depressing how many posters are so determined to berate an OP and find fault with her (based largely on their own conjecture) that they will determinedly and repeatedly side with a really shit and horrible man.

Speaks volumes about them. None of it good.

I don't think he's the only one. What a pathetic post. Medal for your fitness in the post.

This is so unbelievably fucking rude.

At DH's work they did a walk to support a member of staff and raise money. It was supposed to be a team building thing. A wanker colleague, who sounds much like your DH, decided he wanted to make a point and stormed on ahead so he could race to the finish. DH is actually an amazing long distance runner and could have kicked this guy's arse over the distance, but chose not to do so because that just wasn't the spirit of the day. It wasn't a competition, it was a supportive fundraiser and a chance to spend time together as a team.

The guy in question is completely socially clueless, and doesn't have the first idea how to relate to others. The walking fast is just part of a much wider raft of behaviours that are intolerant, rude, and inconsiderate of others . He once asked my (black) friend how it felt to be the "token hire". (Black friend is gifted, very much not a token hire, and has now been promoted above him). When I was being bullied early in my career he told me he would stick up for me but he had a promotion case in and didn't want to rock the boat (he was union rep).

Sometimes a single behaviour can be a window to a soul!

I think most people who walk regularly accept that everyone goes at their own pace on hills and then regroups as necessary. It’s as much to take the pressure off the slow as anything.
Perhaps I would expect more from a man in the first flush of love.

My ( tall ) husband walks fast and often ahead as my ( short ) legs canter along to keep up ! But he is really apologetic when l say slow down …it’s a bit of an in joke with us now. And THERE’S the difference !

My ex said things like that to me. He was utterly unconcerned that I was upset and just concerned about being right that it wasn't something that someone should be upset over. Exhausting battle trying to convince someone my inner world is valid.

IF he's not awful in other ways, perhaps be positive before your next day out and say I love walking with you and seeing things together can we hold hands it would mean a lot if you could slow down a little and walk with me as I love holding hands? Then he's less likely to be defensive. If he doesn't agree to at least try to do that he's a prick.

Should have realised when on honeymoon he did not even sit next to me at a spectacular concert as the seat he found had a better view!

WTF!

Just thinking about that half the world of women are meant to walk behind there husbands or sons in white countries it's the hight of ignorance and should not be tolerated and the man who is doing it should take a minute to think about what effect does it have to the woman who he's doing it to. A disgraceful way for men to behave. We are all human beings who have feelings.

My husband does this as well. I have spoken to him on the matter. He does this on purpose as he stupidly believes if he walks ahead I will run to catch up. He's very tall with very long legs so naturally walks much faster than I can keep up. I refuse to run after him. If he wishes to walk ahead I let him, I now ignore the behaviour. I will go at my pace, and if I wish to stop and admire the view or pop into a shop I will do so. If he wishes to be with me he'll just have to wait or walk back to me.

I completely agree with you, OP. My DH has a tendency to do the same, but he will now stop and wait for me to catch up. And - like you - I am a fast walker, just not as fast as him. I got so fed up that I used to just turn around and fuck off elsewhere until he finally noticed I was nowhere in sight. Oddly, if I EVER walk in front of him for a few yards, he thinks I'm 'storming off' (I'm not)! You can't win.

Anyway, it's just so rude! Essentially, the other person is saying that your company, even your presence, is unimportant. I would never dream of doing this to someone who couldn't walk as quickly as me. Good manners would dictate that you adapt your pace to the slower person, surely. Unless you are actually in a race...

I am a fast walker but not fast as my much taller husband. When we are on hols, if he ends up with my 20y son, they can end up many paces in front of me and our younger daughter as we are all distracted. One of us four will pipe up and then they will wait and we resume as a family again. No big deal or malice or bad intentions.

It is just basic decency.

People behave selfishly nowadays. The man in the OP and the people on this thread who do the same.

As a fast walker I don’t find it remotely difficulty to recalibrate and walk slowly along someone who needs a slower pace. All this talk of pain and having to alter metabolism is just amusing!

‘Love the naked sense of superiority and self-importance of these ultra-fast walkers. While the rest of us are ‘pissing about’, ‘dawdling’ and ‘pootling’, they are majestically ‘cracking on with their day’.’

I think they are the bores who are obsessed with documenting their PBs on Strava 😏

‘If anything I'd expect children of say 12 upwards to naturally steam on ahead.’

My older teens would always wait for the slowest member of a group and come back once they realised they were ahead. They are kind and respectful like that.

I pity these people who have such low standards about they they expect in a partner.

But if the fast person/group sets off again the moment the slow one catches up, the slow one never gets a rest (and therefore gets slower).