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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
LizHoney · 06/08/2023 19:32

It's not backhanded. It's dickish.

RunningUpThatBuilding · 06/08/2023 19:32

I think it’s in poor taste.

Id have to say something if I was told this and you can bet they wouldn’t say it again!

Justmuddlingalong · 06/08/2023 19:33

Sounds like a backhanded congratulations to me.
Don't let her know it's annoyed you.
You'd be forgiven for limiting any updates throughout the rest of your pregnancy.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/08/2023 19:34

Sounds like she's struggling with the idea of someone deliberately having as a many as four children. But if she has a good grandmotherly relationship with your older 3, best to shrug it off and forget it.

Bunnyhair · 06/08/2023 19:34

Really depends on your relationship with MIL. If it’s generally good, just let it go.

Lapflop · 06/08/2023 19:35

You'd be forgiven for limiting any updates throughout the rest of your pregnancy.

Bit sad to be petty about it, but similarly I'm sure they aren't fussed about updates beyond baby is healthy etc- does anyone else really care for regular updates?

OP yes it is backhanded, most people would think it but not say it if someone was having a 4th child I expect!

Neverseenbefore · 06/08/2023 19:49

I think it’s OK, a bit awkward. Most people might be thinking it, though. Just let it go.

NeverMrsAgain · 06/08/2023 19:50

I would take it in good faith.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 19:50

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/08/2023 19:34

Sounds like she's struggling with the idea of someone deliberately having as a many as four children. But if she has a good grandmotherly relationship with your older 3, best to shrug it off and forget it.

This. Four is a lot, you must be aware of that!

If she's generally good, just shake it off.

WhateverMate · 06/08/2023 19:53

It sounds like she's no good at pretending but if she's a good gran to the others, I'm sure she'll come round.

FortofPud · 06/08/2023 19:54

I think it's easy to see how it could have unpleasant undertones, but I don't think it does necessarily. If the rest of your relationship is good and they are a kind and genuine person then just file it in the 'clumsy but probably well intentioned' category. If they are a hard work character generally then there's your answer, but it's also not worth losing any mental peace over the catty comments of someone like that.

Original poster
TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 20:00

@FortofPud I would go with your generally "hard work character", I visit for my Husband's sake but I have found many of her comments laced with sarcasm and have been passive aggressive in nature over the years.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 20:01

Maybe she's just surprised? Four children is a lot.

Starwarslover · 06/08/2023 20:03

I think it’s probably a very common reaction to a 4th child (sorry!). I think they likely thought it was an accident and were a bit shocked that you’ve chosen to have another.

I have 3 and would expect similar reactions from family if we had a 4th. Don’t take it to heart but do expect more obvious comments from people outside of family too

DramaAlpaca · 06/08/2023 20:03

I've been on the receiving end of that one, from my own parents, on announcing baby number three was on the way. They initially assumed it wasn't planned.

It means 'it's lovely news but we are worried you might struggle to cope'.

I decided it was a comment best ignored.

HeddaGarbled · 06/08/2023 20:08

Oh come on - it’s a totally reasonable attempt at diplomacy and props to her for the attempt instead of saying what she’s really thinking.

Smartiepants79 · 06/08/2023 20:09

I don’t know your situation but 4 kids is quite a lot and fairly unusual nowadays.
I can see my parents thinking very similar if we’d announced a further pregnancy.
Did they know you were planning for another baby? If not, its fair that they might think you hadn’t done it on purpose.

Maddy70 · 06/08/2023 20:12

I think you're overthinking this she was just checking that you are happy about it

TheUsualChaos · 06/08/2023 20:14

I think it's a pretty unsubtle way of her saying they don't approve of you having a forth baby. Perhaps to give benefit of the doubt it might come from a place of love, four children is quite a big family these days, perhaps worrying it will be hard for you as parents.

Do they do very much childcare for you currently? If so, perhaps not thrilled at the prospect of being asked to help with another grandchild. I think grandparents do reach a point where they've had enough of the baby/toddler stage and find it too tiring but feel obliged to treat them all the same.

xPeaceXx · 06/08/2023 20:15

I'd laugh. or say ''ouch!''. They might as well say ''you're nuts''.

But I need to know, do you ask for childcare help, do you struggle with the three you already have? Do the siblings squabble?

flapjackfairy · 06/08/2023 20:16

if it makes you feel any better that was exactly what my mother said when I told her I was marrying my husband. And she prefaced it with " he's not what we wanted for you ".
I was young and trained to accept such crap in those days so didn't even challenge it.
I just went ahead and married him and 35 years later we are still going strong.
Some people just can't help but put the boot in. Ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy and new baby and congratulations x

Dragonwindow · 06/08/2023 20:21

I have four planned and much wanted children. Prepare yourself for a lot more of this (and god help you if your older three are all the same sex 🤣🤣)

midnightrecovery · 06/08/2023 20:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 19:50

This. Four is a lot, you must be aware of that!

If she's generally good, just shake it off.

Show quote history

Yeah this. Four is a lot. Surely you can see that yourself.

Katey83 · 06/08/2023 20:24

I don’t know…sometimes people assume you are overjoyed by a pregnancy and in fact being pregnancy can be mixed emotions if it’s unplanned so maybe take it as comment meant with sensitivity for the possibility you aren’t overjoyed.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2023 20:27

It’s a deliberately acid comment. Shrug it off if you can but yes, you’re right, it’s not a loving grandma expressing warmth.