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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 21:26

Ignore everyone saying 4 is a lot, your MIL is stupid and has verbal Diarrhea.

loveandpoprockz · 06/08/2023 21:28

i tolerated barbed comments from my mil like this for years and years. I gave her a chance to stop doing it - I complained to my husband and she cowardly denied all of it. In the end I cut off all contact with the nasty cow so now she hardly ever sees me or her grandchildren. It was hard for me to take the decision I did but it was obvious she would never change and I realised that there would come a point where her and her partner would be belittling me in front of my children at an age where they would become aware of it and I wasn’t prepared to accept that.

MinnieTruck · 06/08/2023 21:30

I don’t see the problem. I agree with the comments that four kids is quite a lot. How is she meant to know that you’re happy about the pregnancy?

One time my friend told me that she was pregnant and I was like, ‘omg congratulations!! I’m so happy for you’ and she was like ‘what no, I’m so stressed. I’m getting an abortion.’

Since then when someone tells me they’re pregnant I ask them how they’re feeling instead. It’s more of a safe area. Maybe that’s how your MIL feels. She’s happy for you if you’re happy but if you’re not then she’ll probably tell you her real opinion

tootiredtolie · 06/08/2023 21:34

My mum said this when I said I was pregnant with no3.

It amazes me really, I have not inconvenienced anyone with my children yet everyone has something to say with a pregnancy announcement Confused

Mumwithbaggage · 06/08/2023 21:37

I can beat this! My toxic sil (nc for many years now as apparently I'm a bitch) said to dh - I wasn't there - when he told them at a party about no 4 Oh God, I'd get rid of it. Charming!

Zanatdy · 06/08/2023 21:43

Better than the reaction I got from my mum with my 3rd. ‘Oh no you’re not are you?’. I mean she did zero babysitting as lived 250 miles away and it didn’t impact on her whatsoever. Didn’t speak to her for a month until she apologised. I’d had a tough first 12wks so getting that reaction when we were really happy after the 12wks scan wasn’t nice.

JudgeJ · 06/08/2023 21:44

My late MIL, when we told her about number 1 her first words were 'How will you mange about his meals when you're in hospital?' !!

Just over a year after No 1 was born we told her about No 2 and her words were 'Oh, you're like bloody rabbits'!!

Living abroad meant we only had letters to communicate after that!

fuckmyuteruslining · 06/08/2023 21:46

I had similar from mil with baby number 3. She thought the age gap was too big and it would be really hard with our older dc. She was wrong. It really upset me but I know she would never deliberately upset me and it just came out wrong. I think she was just very surprised. My grandma said she was happy but oh dear was it what I wanted? When I said it was she was thrilled. I think people worry about unplanned pregnancy putting strain on marriages and families. And of course we mostly don't declare we're trying so it often comes as a shock.

Illbebythesea · 06/08/2023 21:46

I got the same with dc3. My mother told me to terminate or I’d ruin the older 2 lives. 🤣 they love their sister… fuck other people and their opinions frankly op. Congratulations!! And ignore the ‘bad for the planet’ bull shit. Not one person I know in real life has based how many children they want to have around environmental factors.

Hollyppp · 06/08/2023 21:48

What a bitch, I think that comment is totally uncalled for personally.
people need to keep thoughts like that in their head.
if you weren’t thrilled and keeping the baby then clearly you wouldn’t be announcing the baby to people…!

HalloumiLuvver · 06/08/2023 21:49

Trixie239 · 06/08/2023 20:43

Congratulations! People on here are so rude, four is not that many kids. That's an average sized family, easily affordable and really not that hard to parent. As for your MIL, she sounds toxic.

Four is no way an average family. The latest stats I can find say the average in the uk is 1.7 children per family so it's more than double. It's also not economically viable for lots of people.

Beadyeyes91 · 06/08/2023 21:49

My MIL said "I didn't know you were trying" with a deadpan look on her face so I feel ya!

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 06/08/2023 22:11

expect more obvious comments from people outside of family too

Yes, because being rude to pregnant women and mothers about when, how, with whom they have children and how many is all the rage, still. Cf whether they work full or part time or not at all and how they do their mothering.

Rude from your MIL, rude from other people whose business it isn't too. Cruel if the baby is planned and also cruel if it isn't. Enjoy your pregnancy OP.

I'd be telling my MIL to take a hike, but I'm not know for getting on with my (ex or current) MILs very well, mainly because I don't take any crap.

Original poster
TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 22:12

Just to add we cover all childcare between us and both work (me part-time). So no reliance on grandparents

OP posts:
Wakintoblueskies · 06/08/2023 22:14

I think that to myself when I hear of people announcing their third pregnancy! Four children is a big family unless you are very wealthy.

It isn't a nice thing to say out loud and she was obviously showing her disapproval. Why would she do that though? Do you struggle with the three children you already have - timewise, workwise and financially? If she is generally a negative woman who you don't have a good relationship with, then just let it slide and keep your distance from her.

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/08/2023 22:16

I think it depends on context.

If I know someone is struggling with finances, struggling with lots of kids already and the information that they're expecting again is not delivered with a lot of joy and 'hurrah, the much loved and planned for number 4 is on their way'... I might wonder if congratulations are in order or not...

I think I have the tact not to SAY it... but it might mean id be a bit more tentative in my response (lets face it if someone ISN'T chuffed about it, a huge CONGRATULATIONS WOO YAY is also not great!).. I know others would say it and would genuinely mean 'ill support you whatever your feelings are here'.

If this is said when its clear you can afford it, aren't struggling with the others, have always planned it... then yes its spikey and a bit of a dig!

nonheme · 06/08/2023 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Hankunamatata · 06/08/2023 22:17

You reply yes we are happy and forget about it

YouveGotAFastCar · 06/08/2023 22:22

Four children being a lot is going to depend on where you are. It's massively anecdotal.
I have three close friends with more than four children, I have several with three, and then most have two. A handful have one, and one person has none.

It's not a small family; but it's also not massive enough that its outside the realms of normality and you'd need to comment on it.

milkywinterdisorder · 06/08/2023 22:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 20:49

I tried to find the study but only found articles. Do you have the actual study? I've like to look at the funding, methodology and results.

Because the families I know with three are often miserable. So the jump to four making people happy seems odd.

Show quote history

Apparently three is the most stressful number of children you can have; adding more is supposed to make you happier. IIRC the logic is that by the time you have four a) the older ones can help out with the youngest and b) you’ve just stopped stressing about everything because with four kids you can’t. I can’t remember where I read that though!

snowmanshoes · 06/08/2023 22:25

When I told my mum about my second she said ‘what have you gone and done that for?!’ 😂🫤
she does zero childcare and had 3 herself!!!
Honestly some people are just downright rude
Congrats OP

milkywinterdisorder · 06/08/2023 22:32

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/08/2023 20:43

I think she's projecting. She would have found it a strain and wouldn't have signed up for it voluntarily. So she is perhaps concerned about whether you'll all be able to cope emotionally, physically and financially. I don't think her words are coming from a bad place.

In any case, a recent study showed that families with four or more children are the happiest, so the pros must outweigh the cons for most people.

Agree about projecting. I remember when I was much younger saying the same thing to a friend who told me she was pregnant because at the time I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a baby. I regret saying it now though!

There is at least some empathy there though, OP. When my DH told his parents I was expecting their first grandchild his mother said “Oh. And are you…pleased?” We’d been married for four years at that point, had stable jobs and our own home, so it’s not like it was out of concern.

Seddon · 06/08/2023 22:32

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses.

A pregnancy isn't always good news, so 'congratulations' isn't always the appropriate reply.

It's usually obvious which way to go, though, based on the expressions and words of the person telling you. Do you think when you told MIL that you presented as really happy about it, or was there room for doubt?

Wakintoblueskies · 06/08/2023 22:32

snowmanshoes · 06/08/2023 22:25

When I told my mum about my second she said ‘what have you gone and done that for?!’ 😂🫤
she does zero childcare and had 3 herself!!!
Honestly some people are just downright rude
Congrats OP

Snap! My father said that to me when I told him I was having my second child.

In hindsight he was right!

I was very happy with one child. I find having two very difficult more often than not!

Adviceneeded71 · 06/08/2023 22:38

No judgement from me but four is unusually large and I can see why she may just have thought "wow that's a lot". If a friend of mine with three kids said she was having a fourth I would want to take her aside and check if she were genuinely happy or an accident. I actually think she's been diplomatic.