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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
Happyandyoudontknowit · 06/08/2023 20:27

My mother in law wouldn’t be quite so polite if we decided to have 4 children.

MumblesParty · 06/08/2023 20:28

4 kids is too many really, for the planet, for parenting, financially etc. She was obviously thinking out loud, which was rather rude.
Unpopular opinion so flame away!

Backstreets · 06/08/2023 20:29

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Sounds like this is pretty much in character for her so treat it like any other jab and ignore it.

Olika · 06/08/2023 20:29

As you already know how your MIL is, I would just let it go. She won't change. Congratulations Flowers

Whattodo112222 · 06/08/2023 20:30

Does she provide childcare for you...?

GoodChat · 06/08/2023 20:31

4 children is a lot. Have you struggled with any of the previous 3? Is there a big age gap? Any financial worries? Does she provide childcare?

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 06/08/2023 20:31

Was it a text or in person?

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2023 20:32

Does she do a lot of childcare for you? Maybe that’s why

purpleme12 · 06/08/2023 20:33

Oh my god that's basically saying she's not really pleased isn't it 🙈🙈🙈

Remembermynamealways · 06/08/2023 20:36

She does not approve. It’s a judgemental comment. I wouldn’t be impressed.

chessica · 06/08/2023 20:37

Backhanded but you could never call her out on it

MissTrip82 · 06/08/2023 20:38

MumblesParty · 06/08/2023 20:28

4 kids is too many really, for the planet, for parenting, financially etc. She was obviously thinking out loud, which was rather rude.
Unpopular opinion so flame away!

Unpopular? Almost everyone who’s replied has said similar and sympathized with the MIL’s view. In what way do you think you’ve been the controversial truth teller?

I would not have four children but would not dream of being so staggeringly rude to a friend or family member who chose to. I can’t imagine being so arrogant as to think my opinion should be alluded to when a simple ‘congratulations ’ is all that’s required.

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/08/2023 20:39

Lol, she clearly thinks you are batshit, and has stopped just short of saying it. She won’t be the only one - come on op, four kids is a lot. Presumably you are indeed happy and don’t give a shit what she thinks!

MrsMarzetti · 06/08/2023 20:39

Had the same comment from my Dad with baby no3, it meant he was happy if i was just a bit shocked that i was having another. Nothing nasty about it.

diddl · 06/08/2023 20:40

Unless MIL is expected to do babysitting/childcare/buy stuff it shouldn't even affect her should it?

She might think that 4 would have been too many for her but that's obviously not Op's opinion & she's the one having the baby!

porridgeisbae · 06/08/2023 20:41

I wouldn't see it as massively bad.

As PP's said, four is a lot.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/08/2023 20:43

I think she's projecting. She would have found it a strain and wouldn't have signed up for it voluntarily. So she is perhaps concerned about whether you'll all be able to cope emotionally, physically and financially. I don't think her words are coming from a bad place.

In any case, a recent study showed that families with four or more children are the happiest, so the pros must outweigh the cons for most people.

Trixie239 · 06/08/2023 20:43

Congratulations! People on here are so rude, four is not that many kids. That's an average sized family, easily affordable and really not that hard to parent. As for your MIL, she sounds toxic.

Trees6 · 06/08/2023 20:44

I’ll be honest here. Most of the couples I know with 4+ children are frazzled and the wives are bearing the brunt. They’re not like Jools Oliver or Sophie Ellis Bextor. One mother of five I know, she’s so exhausted, the youngest child is very clingy and she says she (the kid) is neurodiverse, and she has diagnosed herself with long covid. It’s more likely to be exhaustion than long covid. What she needs is two weeks in peace on a sun lounger with a pile of books and people cooking her meals. It’s relentless, her life. Maybe your MiL is genuinely concerned.

GoodChat · 06/08/2023 20:45

Trixie239 · 06/08/2023 20:43

Congratulations! People on here are so rude, four is not that many kids. That's an average sized family, easily affordable and really not that hard to parent. As for your MIL, she sounds toxic.

It's not an average sized family, it's not easily affordable for everyone and it's not rude to say it's a lot of children.
If OP's happy then that's great for her, but it is a lot if they're relying on others for childcare etc.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/08/2023 20:45

Whattodo112222 · 06/08/2023 20:30

Does she provide childcare for you...?

This is what I'm thinking too.

Four is a lot, especially if they're expected to look after them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/08/2023 20:46

Four is a lot. I’d probably have said what she said. She’s concerned about you, and cares.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 06/08/2023 20:47

Four is a lot. It's not great for the planet.

I think I might say "Are you happy?" and then when the answer is invariably yes I would then say Congratulations. No one wants to be an outright dicksplat, even if they're thinking it.

ilovesushi · 06/08/2023 20:47

Sounds fine to me. It is what it says on the tin. We are happy for you, hoping that is the right reaction, we're not sure so just added the last bit in case we are making a false step. They are happy!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/08/2023 20:48

On baby 3, I was so excited I foolishly blurted it out on a phone call from MIL as the only GPs. She insisted repeatedly (and I do mean repeatedly) that DH had specified that he only wanted two.

Eventually she managed; "Well I just don't know what to say."

So she accepted it with all the good grace expected. 😄

Depends on how well you know your MIL. It's not something she should have put in writing. She shouldn't have mentioned the surprise element at all really but she managed a congratulations at least.