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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
Boodahh · 06/08/2023 20:49

Perhaps she is thinking how on earth can they afford 4 DC? Was this really planned?

But she should have slapped on a smile and said congratulations.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 20:49

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/08/2023 20:43

I think she's projecting. She would have found it a strain and wouldn't have signed up for it voluntarily. So she is perhaps concerned about whether you'll all be able to cope emotionally, physically and financially. I don't think her words are coming from a bad place.

In any case, a recent study showed that families with four or more children are the happiest, so the pros must outweigh the cons for most people.

I tried to find the study but only found articles. Do you have the actual study? I've like to look at the funding, methodology and results.

Because the families I know with three are often miserable. So the jump to four making people happy seems odd.

Noicant · 06/08/2023 20:51

Honestly if someone was on their 4th I’d think they are mad or minted. But I’m one and done. Don’t take it personally, 4 seems like a lot to most people.

Was126orbustandmaybebust · 06/08/2023 20:52

Trixie239 · 06/08/2023 20:43

Congratulations! People on here are so rude, four is not that many kids. That's an average sized family, easily affordable and really not that hard to parent. As for your MIL, she sounds toxic.

Well this is simply not true - 1.7 is the average family size in the UK.
Where did you get your stats from?

OP - maybe she didn't mean it badly. When my friend told me she was pregnant via text with her third child after a 6 year gap I replied - Congratulations if you are happy about this and I'm here for a chat if you are a bit shocked x
She was very shocked btw.

brentwoods · 06/08/2023 20:53

Rude. Congratulations OP. I'm happy for you.
(from 1 mom of 4 to another -- no regrets)

Morethanalittletired · 06/08/2023 20:55

Sounds rude to me!

But I have 4 and in fairness no. 4 was a surprise. He is awesome though and we haven't had any help from grandparents (my parents have done their best but are faraway, the ILs stepped up but wouldn't take all 4 together, but fair enough, our choice) so we are a very strong unit of 6.

Congrats, OP, hope it all goes well:

timberho · 06/08/2023 20:55

Depends tbh - if you have neither the money nor time for 4 then her comment is somewhat understandable perhaps?

Vie8126 · 06/08/2023 20:55

I have 4 - neither sets of parents were particularly jumping from the rafters with the news - in fact my dad asked me if I was getting a termination. As for other people be prepared for a tonne of ‘don’t you have a tv’ type comments. As pp said if you have 3 of one sex at the moment it will be worse with all the ‘trying for a <insert sex of child you don’t have as yet> comments.

My 4th dc is now two - no one would be without him and he is an absolute blessing.

congratulations on your pregnancy ☺️

DrySherry · 06/08/2023 20:58

midnightrecovery · 06/08/2023 20:22

Yeah this. Four is a lot. Surely you can see that yourself.

Show quote history

Four is massively expensive that's for sure. If a couple can afford it though then why not ? I think people mostly think the same way - its only when a couple aren't paying all the costs themselves that people understandably start muttering under their breaths.

Ohhhhhhhhh · 06/08/2023 21:00

We all thought the same when my sister announced her third. She's a very stressy mum and we all thought another one might tip her over the edge. We didn't say it to her face though!

floribunda18 · 06/08/2023 21:01

I think it's a fair comment. It might be a shock to some families to find they are going to three to four and a financial bridge too far for lots of people. Cautious congratulations seem in order.

hot2trotter · 06/08/2023 21:03

Ignore her. She sounds like a spiteful old witch.

I have 4 children too and (guess what) I manage with no outside help from anyone. In laws are more bothered with other grandchildren and my mum has never given a toss about anybody but herself. Yes it's bloody hard work but at least I have nothing to thank anybody for, I owe them nothing because it's all down to me - and I'm damn proud of it!

Good luck and congratulations!!

hot2trotter · 06/08/2023 21:05

And as another poster has said, be prepared for lots of "don't you have a TV" or "going for your own football team" type comments.
Water off a ducks back.

Chickychoccyegg · 06/08/2023 21:05

This really doesn't sound bad too me, she's saying she's happy about the pregnancy if you are, and it is understandable she may have thought this one was unplanned, as 4 is getting more unusual these days, though obviously you know her/and the tone we don't.
(Would have been worse if she was over joyed about the pregnancy then you announced it was an accident and your really unhappy)

Congratulations on your pregnancy .

BansheeofInisherin · 06/08/2023 21:08

Tbh I would probably blurt out the same!

Thatboymum · 06/08/2023 21:10

A lot of people are saying 4 is a large number and unusual now but In my circle and wider most friends of mine have atleast 3-4 , even nursery family’s it’s rare for there to be less than 3-4 it’s really normal where I live

Ozziedream · 06/08/2023 21:12

Fair comment IMO. Of the dozen or so families I know with four kids not one of them was planned. And I know another half dozen or so friends who terminated what would have been baby number three or four.

BansheeofInisherin · 06/08/2023 21:12

I do not know a single person with 4. Most of my friends have one.

Fluffyrug191 · 06/08/2023 21:12

Echo previous posters, 4 is a lot especially considering the impact on the planet as well as the personal cost of a big family. Do you rely on them for childcare, claim benefits etc? I think if people feel that they are also having to shoulder the burden of your choices then they have room to comment otherwise they shouldn't. I don't think the wording of her comment was out of order though.

Smartiepants79 · 06/08/2023 21:15

Thatboymum · 06/08/2023 21:10

A lot of people are saying 4 is a large number and unusual now but In my circle and wider most friends of mine have atleast 3-4 , even nursery family’s it’s rare for there to be less than 3-4 it’s really normal where I live

Really? Are you in the uk?
I’m a teacher and in many years of teaching can only think of 5 families with 4 or more children! I know of none of my personal friends or family.

Thatboymum · 06/08/2023 21:20

Smartiepants79 · 06/08/2023 21:15

Really? Are you in the uk?
I’m a teacher and in many years of teaching can only think of 5 families with 4 or more children! I know of none of my personal friends or family.

Show quote history

Yes from a well off ish area in Scotland, lovely school etc and it’s totally normal here. Most of us have atleast 3 or 4 in a group of 10 friends and most of the school family’s are similar some have 5 but I’ve never known anybody with more than 5 lol. Maybe it differs all over but it’s so normal where I am so this suprises me, I deffo don’t know anybody with just 1 and very few with 2

babyproblems · 06/08/2023 21:21

Neverseenbefore · 06/08/2023 19:49

I think it’s OK, a bit awkward. Most people might be thinking it, though. Just let it go.

I agree with this

BodegaSushi · 06/08/2023 21:22

Thatboymum · 06/08/2023 21:10

A lot of people are saying 4 is a large number and unusual now but In my circle and wider most friends of mine have atleast 3-4 , even nursery family’s it’s rare for there to be less than 3-4 it’s really normal where I live

Do you live in Australia/NZ? The only people I know with large families are there, of more than 3 are from there, I know 2 who have 5 😱 Must be something in the water.

I only know one person this side of the pond with 4 and her marriage is in the shitter.

Nuca · 06/08/2023 21:24

Depends how honest you’ve been with them in the past really. From things you’ve said on here, you have a 3 bed house so not enough room, you work part time and the current 3 are all the same sex and you wanted another one just to try for the other sex. So if she knows these things then it sounds like she’s worried about how you will cope with it all?

Serendipitoushedgehog · 06/08/2023 21:24

I think I would take her on and reply, “why would we not be?”