Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 00:30

I would take it as it is, that they are happy with your news if you are happy with it. 4 is a lot of children so they may think you’ve both been daft but they’re happy if you are.

ClairDeLaLune · 07/08/2023 00:42

Couldn’t get worked up about this really, can’t say she’s done much wrong really. She’s only saying what others will be thinking.

FlamingYam · 07/08/2023 00:42

I think she thinks it's bad idea but is trying to be nice. My gran is like this.

JANEY205 · 07/08/2023 00:45

4 children is a lot and as others have said, quite unusual in this day and age, and so she probably just meant it at face value as in we are happy if you are! She may be shocked you tried for a 4th as it isn’t as common and with rising living costs etc.

thereisnorightanswer · 07/08/2023 00:46

First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

I think the statement of 'we are happy if you are' would have been more understandable when you first said you were pregnant, as that's a natural thought to have (even if perhaps better not said out loud). Having re-read your post, MIL has had time to process your news and think about it, so actually, I do think there's a fair bit of judgement in her words.

You said you made 'an announcement' previously, which suggests you probably said very excitedly in person together, 'We're having a baby!' rather than glumly without your husband, 'I'm pregnant.' I think you've probably made clear that you intend to continue with this pregnancy, so it's not appropriate for MIL to suggest that it might not be a good thing.

Once a woman decides she's having her baby, you have to trust she has made the right decision for her (even if it isn't what you would have done) and treat the pregnancy in a positive way.

MeinKraft · 07/08/2023 00:47

I wouldn't worry about it. When the baby comes along they will be besotted, grandparents always are.

Youdoyoubabe · 07/08/2023 00:50

I think it is ok. Supportive really. Fact is that historically the arrival of extra babies to already strapped households was often not planned and maybe not initially somethign to celebrate. Every child is a gift though as I always tell mine! I have had the response before though that you don't always want your gifts!

Growuppeople · 07/08/2023 00:57

It’s your fourth! I’d be thinking ‘I am not babysitting’ as long as you don’t expect them to look after them all crack on but that would be the first thing I’d say. As long as you look after them yourself and don’t expect them to help you do you. Good luck

JaninaDuszejko · 07/08/2023 07:56

It's rude but surely you know by now that you get some very weird reactions to pregnancy announcements. As can be seen from this thread which I suspect is biased due to the higher number of MNers who live in tiny flats in London and think you have to be rich to have a large family. I live in the NE and 2-4 kids is the normal size of family at my DCs school (with 3DC being the average), there are tiny numbers of singles. Same where I come from in rural Scotland. If people have the space they have larger families. The 1.7 children per woman is due to the 25% of women who don't have DC, it's not the average family size.

My grandfather said 'what are you expecting this time?' when my Mum told him she was expecting a third (she already had one of each). In that case his feelings were probably complicated by the fact that my GPs only had one child who survived to adulthood. FWIW I'm one of 4 and can confirm being from a larger family is fab. I had 3DC and was very much 'none or 3-4'.

Wherethewildthymeblows · 07/08/2023 08:01

I'd say get used to encountering a similar attitude from a great many people. I have 4 and the general response when anyone finds out is that you are in some way crazy or feckless.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/08/2023 08:01

When I told my lovely dad that I was pregnant with my first son, he asked if I was happy about it before he said anything else.

He's just a clunky muppet, I laughed and said of course! I knew he didn't mean anything bad by it, he was 70 at the time (and this was his first grandchild) and I was 30, I think he had just assumed we didn't want kids.

If yoi have a good relationship with them, i would let it go. If you don't really get on and you think it was a dig, say something.

floribunda18 · 07/08/2023 08:02

FWIW, my DM said "OH MY GOD!" when I told her I was having DD2 (second and final) as they were only used to an only child. Once she knew we were happy about it, both of my parents were happy, and I see it as along those lines really.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 08:04

It’s not unreasonable to assume that a fourth child might be an accident. It seems quite a reasonable response to me.

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/08/2023 08:05

I think it’s a nasty, piss on your party, try to upset you, thing to say and indicates very clearly that she is only pretending to be happy for you and about your new baby. You are allowed to respond as you would in any other situation if someone said something with those motives. I’m sorry. 4 is not a huge number of children and I can confirm that it’s a perfectly manageable number of children to raise and a lovely number to grow up in. Highly critical joy sucking relatives are best seen as little as possible.

FoodFann · 07/08/2023 08:13

I’m not in the ‘4 is a lot’ camp. Congratulations OP, what a wonderful blessing

Headingforholidays · 07/08/2023 08:15

I accidentally reacted in a similar way when a friend told me she was pregnant with number 4.... I was just really surprised and my response came out in shock rather than congratulations!

Hibiscrubbed · 07/08/2023 08:20

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 08:04

It’s not unreasonable to assume that a fourth child might be an accident. It seems quite a reasonable response to me.

I think within the culture in which I live and have been raised, four is unusual. The only families I know with four+ are extraordinarily wealthy and one is Aristo.

So I’d wonder if it was an accident. And then I’d wonder about two dopey adults with existing children managing to have an accident. 😂

But as I said, I wouldn’t say anything.

electriclight · 07/08/2023 08:23

Four is a lot of children. If you have ever grumbled about sleep, workload, overcrowding, free time or money they may be surprised at the decision to have a fourth. They might have assumed that it was accidental and been cautious with congratulations in case you yourselves were worried. They might have seen your lives getting a bit easier and felt baffled that you want another go at the newborn stage.

Of course parents to adult children should only ever give unbridled support and congratulations, and have the good sense to keep any negative thoughts or opinions to themselves but we are only human and make mistakes in unguarded moments. She didn't say 'fuck me, what have you done that for?' But instead said something perfectly pleasant. I think you already don't like her and you are viewing her words through that filter.

Gerrataere · 07/08/2023 08:27

I think the reaction came from shock, but really I think most people know 4 children is ‘a lot’. At least in terms of early years care, household admin, space, expenses etc. It’s not really something that needs to be pointed out however true. Personally I couldn’t have four but that’s me. I know a couple of people who are ‘one and done’ and that wasn’t me either, we all see fit for our own circumstances.

Soubriquet · 07/08/2023 08:29

Better than what my Nan said…but not much better I agree

“oh you’re not?! You bloody idiot!!”

I was pregnant with my second

HalloumiLuvver · 07/08/2023 13:13

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 22:52

I think that reaction is probably what most are thinking, to be honest.

Yup.

Enoughnowbrandon · 07/08/2023 13:17

Maddy70 · 06/08/2023 20:12

I think you're overthinking this she was just checking that you are happy about it

I would think this. But don't know her obviously.

Tinklyheadtilt · 07/08/2023 14:00

It is pretty diplomatic to be honest...she could have said a lot worse.

4 kids is a lot when you have cost of living crisis, climate change concerns etc.

BellaJuno · 07/08/2023 14:28

I had a similar reaction to my pregnancy announcement but honestly, the person who said it could not be more involved and loving towards the resulting child now. Just brush it off, you have to develop a thick skin when you have more than the standard 2 (or at a push 3) children!

FrequentNameChanger101 · 07/08/2023 14:47

Well it's better than my reaction to a good friend who told me she was pregnant with her 5th!

I said (shouted) "what, are you mad?!" I guess it was honest Blush

Thankfully we're still friends. Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread