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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Congratulations, we are happy if you are"

155 replies

TulipVictory · 06/08/2023 19:30

How would you take this?

Currently pregnant with our fourth & final child. First time seeing MIL since the announcement where she'd previously asked if we were happy about it, insinuating it may have been an accident (this baby is very much planned and loved).

Anyway, this congratulations was what I was greeted with today. Is this totally backhanded or AIBU?

OP posts:
GirlOfTudor · 06/08/2023 22:39

I agree with the above posters in that she's projecting and being passive aggressive.
Shrug it off and focus on your happiness - that's what I have to do with my mother in law's comments!!
And congratulations! 😊

JoeyJeremiah · 06/08/2023 22:47

"Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from". I'm sure she makes lots of choices you think are bad moves, so just accept she doesn't know what she's talking about and get on with enjoying your life that is right for you.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 06/08/2023 22:49

I doubt she's gonna say did my son mean to regularly ejaculate inside of you are you happy with the outcome.

It probably came out very clumsily.

Four is a lot by modern standards and life isn't built to accommodate large families easily, so she probably just meant she's happy to feel whatever you're feeling.

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 22:52

I think that reaction is probably what most are thinking, to be honest.

WandaWonder · 06/08/2023 22:52

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 22:52

I think that reaction is probably what most are thinking, to be honest.

Yes this

Peanutgurgle · 06/08/2023 22:53

Take it with a pinch of salt. Apparently my Grandma told my Mum it was a mistake to have me (I was the third). I adored my Grandma and she adored me. She was a single mum to three herself and I think she just remembered how tiring and hard it could be. She was always the most supportive and empathetic when I was going through tough times when mine were little. She was tactless as hell but utterly well meaning.

WasJuliaRight · 06/08/2023 22:54

I think it’s generational. That’s the sort of thing my mum would say and she hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body.

JudgeRudy · 06/08/2023 23:11

It's your MIL not a random stranger. I'd say she means exactly what she said. You've already 'announced' the pregnancy and she and presumably FIL were wondering if it was actually planned (4 is considered a lot by today's standards). You've told them it was and you're both delighted.
Now she's acknowledging that they're happy for you now you've told them this is what you wanted/planned. She's probably aware that the congratulations might have been a little forced/tentative last time until they knew how you felt.
I doubt they'll be much more to say now really. You wanted another child and now it's happening. I wouldn't make it into something bigger than it is.

PuffyShirt · 06/08/2023 23:13

I think I t’s a natural and honest reaction to an announcement of a 4th child nowadays, unless you’re extremely wealthy.

WannaBeRecluse · 06/08/2023 23:19

Maybe she just didn't want to assume you were thrilled and was treading carefully to account for a range of possible feelings? Maybe she had a pregnancy she wasn't thrilled about at first, so from that experience, wanted to give you room to have some less happy feelings about it?

DiaNaranja · 06/08/2023 23:27

I doubt it was meant with any malice. It's as simple as it is... If you're happy to be having a forth, then she is also happy for you. I think it's probably just because four is alot, and obviously more than most families choose to have, so probably just her way of treading carefully rather than jumping for joy at your announcement, incase it wasn't planned, you were feeling nervous about the situation, you were undecided about what to do etc. Now she's aware that this is a much wanted baby, I'm sure she'll be just as happy and excited for the arrival as she was for her previous grandchildren. We have two with no plans for any more, and I can imagine the exact same reaction from parents and in laws if we announced I was pregnant with another. There would definitely be alot of "was it planned?" and "how do you feel about it?" type of comments, and I'd just take it for what it is. Any more than 2 and people do tend to wonder "why" and assume it wasn't intentional, as although not uncommon, it also isn't strictly what most families aim for.

Ace56 · 06/08/2023 23:28

Yes, unless you are very wealthy, 4 children is a lot and not particularly common these days. It sounds like she was just very surprised and was saying what everyone would be thinking (although tbf it was a dickish thing to say out loud)

Stravaig · 06/08/2023 23:33

Seems like a fairly standard way to respond to the news. Being pregnant is not a universally positive thing, so it's something to say while waiting for further cues.

Of course, if there's a backstory, then it may well be loaded. Maybe she thinks your relationship isn't in a good place, or that you're already financially stretched, or barely cope parenting your existing children. Perhaps she's thinking of the planet as a whole. The world doesn't owe your offspring a universal welcome, and frankly I wish we were all more thoughtful about procreation.

MIL is matching your feelings, whatever they happen to be, which is generous of her.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 06/08/2023 23:37

It's a backhanded compliment
She doesn't get why you'd want another, but she can't exactly say that!
Is she a good Grandmother to your other DC?
Congratulations!

Supersimkin2 · 06/08/2023 23:43

Let it go.

Honestly OP, one of the things no one tells about having babies is how uninterested everyone is after the first. Which is reasonable - you’re not doing it for the applause.

QS90 · 06/08/2023 23:43

Congratulations OP! It's hard to tell without knowing your MIL how it was meant. All that really matters though is how you and your partner feel. Obviously you are pleased, and planned a new baby as you already knew you would be able to cope etc. Never mind the grumps on here - they are having a pop at a pregnant woman, so can't be especially nice people. I have two and am probably getting a bit old to have another now, but wish I had had more.

Assume your MIL was trying to be nice (whether or not she was), and enjoy your pregnancy :)

Hibiscrubbed · 06/08/2023 23:44

I wouldn’t say it, but I’d assume, unless someone was loaded, that child was not planned. It’s a huge amount of kids.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 06/08/2023 23:49

Depending on your financial situation, is it possible they’re concerned about how you will cope financially and the children getting everything they need?

MollysBrolly · 06/08/2023 23:51

Maybe she doesn't know you can also be happy if baby is unplanned!!

Ohthatsabitshit · 06/08/2023 23:53

I’d respond with “How kind of you.”

I have five, you get these dickish comments a lot when you are pregnant. Aren’t people charming?

Congratulations OP. 4 children is lovely.

DandelionLeaves · 06/08/2023 23:56

I think that's a nasty thing to say or write to anyone. I'd always assume anyone announcing their pregnancy to me (and not telling me privately in a worried tone) was obviously happy. There's no need to let them know you think it's unwise or strange that they're having another child.

bellsandwhistles333 · 07/08/2023 00:05

Awful reaction... we were met with similar when we announced my son ( my first my partners 3rd)
To how parents....

His mum literally just went 'oh my' and carried on serving the BBQ and just smiling... it took 3 days before his mum and sister came round to ours with flowers and nice questions etc etc I was furious

They used shock as a excuse and she said oh gosh another one that's my 10th grandchild.. ( 7th biologically)
And I was like well it's my first child!

6 years on and I still haven't forgotten their reaction

Wimpeyspread · 07/08/2023 00:05

I had similar comments from my MIL! I know I am from a previous generation, but I had four children - did not rely on grandparents for childcare - they were all working. 4 is not a huge family for goodness sake! And we were never wealthy

BatheInTheLight · 07/08/2023 00:11

Fair play. Two is my ABSOLUTE limit 😆

Babyroobs · 07/08/2023 00:26

My MIL wasn't exactly over the moon when we announced nos 3 & 4. they were both unplanned though.