Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

I am sorry to say I agree with all the PP. let's assume for a moment, it's all innocent. your husband is massively disrespecting you and your marriage and that woman is no friend of yours.

my best friend is a man. he is not just like a brother, he is more a brother to me than my brothers. I am very good friends with his wife and count her as one of my closest friends. whenever the three of us are together, I prioritise spending time with her or take the kids off their hands so they can spend time together. if the three of us are having a conversation, i always talk more to her on purpose out of respect but also because we enjoy ganging up on my friend and making fun of him. if I had the slightest inkling she saw me as a threat or felt insecure, I would distance myself from my friend. if I had even the smallest hint he was disrespecting his wife, he would be dead meat. that's what being a friend looks like.

One of my best friends is male, if he ever suggested we should watch the sunset together while his wife minded our kids we wouldn't be friends anymore. The same with the hotel room, who leaves their wife to babysit on a family holiday while they go and sit in another woman's room. If I was her I would have felt incredibly awkward and definitely said let's go to your hotel room so we can all hangout together.
Both of them sound disrespectful and if it's not an affair it's at the very least bloody weird behaviour and they need to pack it in.

How come you are looking after her child and yours when the kids are unwell and she is with DH.
How come you DH and her are off watching a sunset while you are watching the kids.
Sorry but its right under your nose. How does she even explain it??

Agree, my best friend is male and there is no chance on this earth I would let him leave his wife at home to come out for a walk with me. I would stay back and put their kids to bed so they could get some quality time together on a holiday because that is what friends do.

I have actually gone on holiday with his wife and kid (I'm single, no kids) and while I did spend time alone with his wife (she is super cool and we are close too) I would never have spent time alone with him. Even though we are best friends that would have felt disrespectful and inappropriate.

I haven’t read all responses so I’m sure this has been said already. He sounds so disrespectful OP I really feel for you. This don’t normal and it’s not ok. Your friend also needs to put in boundaries as I don’t believe a BF would do this. I hate it on here when people jump to conclusions but I’ll be honest it does sound like he wants something to happen or something already is happening. If either of them respected you at all they wouldn’t be this close.

This whole 'friend' thing is clouding the view.

Why oh why are you ok with him being better friends with her , than he is with you.

You and he should be the tightest friends not this weird triangle thing going on.

They go to watch the sunset, they hang out in a room whilst you stay with the kids. No, no, no.

If it's not physical it's an emotional closeness that is threatening your relationship. And that's why you're on MN asking questions. It doesn't feel right to you! Trust yourself!

I can't see how any of this is doing you any favours in the long run OP.

Good Luck

I think you knew yourself before writing this post that you’re not being ridiculous

Well, in a way you are for putting up with this

Op, when you say you have been parenting as a three, is that true or is it often you looking after the two boys? Does everyone take an equal turn?

You should give them a surprise visit when the pair of them are "wfh".

@OfMyDog You seem to duck out of some of the activities. I know some people aren't as energetic as others, but maybe you could've joined in with them.

But as PP said, they maybe are using you as a babysitter a bit.

Sorry OP but I think the above is very accurate. Your H and best friend are both putting you in this horrible situation without a second thought for your feelings. Definitely an emotional affair in my view which can easily lead to physical too.
Think about it. He texted her all evening then had the need to go over to her room and spend ages there as well, while you were stuck with the kids. They were already spending every single day together on the holiday, this seems so excessive! And if all 3 of you are best friends why not do all texting in a group chat?

She's being respectful to your face it's only her trying to cool the fire down.

She wants to be you, have your life.

I'd go snooping for any evidence and start getting your paperwork together

This..

I was going to comment a similar thing - I'm in a trio but would never ever conduct myself this way with the husband. I would (& have) been the one to take the kids off them so they can spend time together. The fact you've told her how you feel but she's not prioritising you over your husband, is beyond disbelief for an 'innocent' person. Make a plan to get out OP, you can do this.

SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
There is something going on.

Your husband is to blame totally.

Just have it out with them and get his bags ready coz he gonna go run into her arms.

It’s all sounding a bit sister wives to be honest and I’m sure your husband is loving having two women ‘fighting’ over him.

It also sounds like he’s saying ‘it’s your fault’ because you’re friends with her, so it’s ‘your fault’ he spends this much time together with her.

Sorry but it’s not normal you need to have more boundaries in place, although your husband seems to not want to change the dynamic because why would he, he can have his cake and eat it you need to think about what you want.

If they’re not having an affair they’re certainly heading that way, what would your friend say if you told her that you felt uncomfortable? If she is a decent friend and he is a decent husband they will both back off a bit, but in all honestly that seed has been planted now and I can’t imagine you will ever feel ok with them spending time together without you anymore.

I just want to echo that this certainly isn’t your fault! You deserve better then this OP, if I was in this situation and unsure of how to handle it, I’d be bluffing him, I’d be saying “we haven’t done anything for a while just us two, I’d like us to spend more time as a couple, I feel best friend always comes along and I’d like us to have some us time!” I would personally see what his reaction is…

if he goes all defensive and insists she must be there and makes you feel that it would be boring if she wasn’t.. then that would tell me that he very has feelings for this woman and has developed a connection with her.

if he agrees and actually puts in the effort this could be a way to start painting her out of the picture..

id also be explaining to her that obviously you love spending time with her but moving forward maybe it’s best you guys just meet up just you two? That you feel you and DH would like to start having more time as a couple then the three of you together.

I wouldn’t be standing for all of this “going on walks together” it all seems very odd, I could put money on how he would react without me even knowing him! Just by what you’ve explained in your OP and how close they are, this does sound like an emotional affair, I personally wouldn’t be surprised if some sort of sexual contact hasn’t been crossed either..

you sound so lovely! Your friend and DH on the other hand sound awful and depending on how he reacts above ⬆️ I would honestly be saying to my husband if he did this that I’d be contemplating ending the marriage over..

She's not invested in her own marriage. She's checked out of that 🚩

She may think she's your friend by there being nothing physical but she's not.

I guess do you trust your dh

Just one word ... Boundaries

please get some in place!

They are both playing you for a fool.

If the marriage can be saved OP and that is what you actually want, sit him down when you are home and give him an ultimatum - stop seeing her altogether (and maybe go to couples counselling with you) or the marriage is over. You would have to mean it, and be impervious to all his denials and blaming you and general gaslighting. An awful situation, they obviously see you as someone who will buy into it as they pretend everything is normal. Sorry OP for what you are dealing with.

OP you say it's mainly his fault but that's only because she's managed to placate you by being "nice" to your face. You say she is being respectful but she really isn't. If she were, she'd have knocked it on the head long time ago. Imagine if she had a "normal" relationship with her husband and he had also joined on the holiday. How do you think he'd have reacted to all this nonsense? Wouldn't you have felt really weird being left with her husband to mind the kids, whilst they are out to watch a sunset or being in another room just the 2 of them?
Also, would you ever do this to your husband with a male best friend?
Just putting some questions out for you to help you see things in perspective.

Do not let them pull wool over your head. If he's always brushing you off then it's pretty clear that being in her company is way more important and same for her - she is not your friend.

Sorry op they are both taking the piss.
Take control of the situation.
It's over. Ditch him and her.
Acquward for DS sadly
but you are acting the blind fool here for not seeing this as an affair happening in front of your own eyes.

This is completely unacceptable behaviour. Even if it was the most platonic friendship in the world, they are both still behaving appallingly towards you

And the fact that you have brought it up with your husband and he dismisses you is absolutely shit of him. He is fucking loving this set up.

Oh OP 😢 they have played a blinder, haven’t they?
this is not as innocent as they make out, don’t allow them to gaslight you. She isn’t your friend.