Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Hes fucking her

If i was being generous i would say they started and genuine friends and just ‘vibe’ really well together, she is obviously missing something in her marriage and your husband is filling this and over time its become more of a thing. It is an emotional affair. If her marriage is over i think this ‘thing’ with your husband is likely to be stopping her finding a partner of her own, why would she, your husband is taking that role in her life, there isn’t really room for another man in her life. Can you imagine a future man she might meet looking at this and considering her to be single?

OP, even just the one example you cite from your holiday - of you babysitting the children while the other two adults socialised - stands out as wrong. As the friend in that situation, I would make sure I looked after the children so the married couple could have time together. How inconsiderate of them both to leave you to it.

Even if it's not an affair, it's an intimate relationship that excludes you and doesn't take account of your needs and feelings, and that's hurtful enough. I'd insist on some distance from the friend.

You have allowed this to happen and then you had the stupidity to tag along while they had a romantic holiday paid by you.

She’s a freeloader. And disrespectful to boot. To be honest it’s all a bit weird. She’s your friend. But you pay to take her on holidays, practically have her and her son live with you. It’s not normal. If you build abnormal relationships, abnormal things happen. Why do you have this setup with a ‘friend’.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

OK... let's imagine instead of your husband and friend, you had two friends and they were treating you like this. even that is not acceptable!

if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

Disrespect in a relationship isn't something I give much thought to, but it jumped out at me here.

I hate to say it like this, but I don't think he likes you very much, let alone is giving you basic common courtesy that you'd expect from a friend or acquaintance, let alone husband.

She is a user and he is a loser.

Get your paperwork sorted amd think of divorce as the time together is life wasted.

So she accepts a fully paid holiday for her and her DC and she has an affair with your husband in plain sight because "she's not close" to her husband. Pair of CFs. I wouldn't tolerate this shit and try to cut her off ASAP.

If your husband were shagging a random woman who didn't know you, I'd think it was all on him. But this isn't a random woman, this is a woman you consider to be your best friend, so they are both betraying you.

If I were on holiday with my BFF and her husband, I'd offer to have the kids myself while they had a night together and maybe float the idea of the husband having the kids so we could have a girl's night. Watching the sunset and having my mate's husband in my hotel room with me while my BFF had the kids wouldn't cross my mind!

So she went on holiday with you without her husband and spent the week treating your DH like they were a couple.

She's leaning on your DH for the emotional intimacy she isn't getting in her own marriage;I was in this position where my husbands female best friend was leaning on him for the emotional intimacy and support she wasn't getting in her marriage.

My DH was given the choice our marriage or their messed up friendship.Funnily enough he chose our marriage.

The best friend went on to cheat on her husband with an affair with another one of her male friends.I think if my DH has let it their relationship would have turned physical.

It sounds like your "best friends" marriage is crap and she and your DH are verging into affair territory.

Your DH behaviour ir Out of Order. Tgats the issue here.

Your DF is also using your DH as hers is obviously not fulfilling her needs.

I'd be very wary. Sorry, OP.

You need to add distance into their relationship. I don't mean stop it, but tag along. Get your DH to watch the kids - why is that just your job?!

I learned a new word this year because of my niece. The word is throuple. It is a committed relationship between 3 people. It's not a menais a trois. A friendship is a type of committed relationship. It does not always involve sex between 3 parties. But yours has components of emotional connections. I think you are in a trouple.

Oh hun you are being made an idiot of ! I'd definitely think an affair and right under your nose too ! Time to cut ties with her and have a word with your husband

Get yourself a male friend and take them on holiday with you next time. Watch the sunset together. See how your DH likes it this time. 😠

@Boundarees

Yes, and also disappear to the male friend’s room so for a good period of time after texting him all evening.

Is she unhappy in her own marriage do you think? And if you were to leave him do you think it's possible that they'll become even closer, develop a romantic interest in one another (if it doesn't already exist) and eventually become an item?

Yours is a very sad OP to read, OP. I feel sorry for you in this situation, please believe that I don't mean this in a patronising way.

Meet up with this new man friend for your sporting interest. Go for long walks together. Check out the rainbows and the full moons.
Would DH be ok with that?

A good friend of mine told me that her OH "really loves" me. I have reacted accordingly - I see them both as normal but make sure that the boundaries are clear and my responses to him are appropriate.

Op has to accept some responsibility for being so laid back and accommodating about the situation. There have been so many red flags, I would have pulled dh up on it a while ago. When people are being so obvious about what they’re doing, you have to believe it, and act on it.

This is joke surely !!!

This interests me. Have you seen any signs that the children are picking up on the situation?

I wonder if your son is seeing the transfer of your husband's attention from you to the other mummy. I think he must be.

DH and I have a few very good friends. I can describe his time spent with his closest female friend of the lot: they sit in comfortable silence with each other sometimes while they both stare at screens, or talk about work (they're employed at the same place, albeit in vastly different roles). They do see each other from time to time if I'm not around, and if I'm out of town she might have him over or vice versa (with children or her DH there, etc) because they'll know he's on his own.

What they don't do: go for walks specifically on their own to see the sunset together 😂They definitely don't have anyone accusing them of illicit behaviour, but I guarantee if EITHER of them thought that I or her DH was upset about whatever they were doing, they'd both immediately stop. Because they aren't arseholes. They definitely wouldn't deflect and blame me/him for having feelings on the matter. And the fact that your 'D'H has an immediately defensive reaction speaks volumes, in my opinion. I'm sorry.