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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to come to our house!

277 replies

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 12:45

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake!

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 12:47

Did you ask her before making all these plans?

INeedAnotherName · 06/08/2023 12:48

Why didn't you ask if she was free before booking? This is on you, not her.

OriginalBliss · 06/08/2023 12:51

I think expecting someone to work around two birthdays that take up a good chunk of the day on two different days during one holiday is a big ask, to be honest (from someone who was for years the person living overseas and trying to deal with a lot of expectations and overscheduling when I was 'home' for a week or two). It gets absolutely exhausting, and you are always dealing with family and friends' expectations of seeing people, and endless 'Well, you have to drop by Auntie X's -- she always asks after you...')

I mean, your sister's coming to your birthday meal, for heaven's sake. Does she really have to go back to your house as well afterwards? Why not have the birthday cake etc at the restaurant?

WandaWonder · 06/08/2023 12:51

Why didn't you check before booking?

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 12:55

She's coming to the meal with you isn't she, be grateful for that, it's her holiday so she can do as she likes.
What do you do for her birthday BTW?

ObiKenobi · 06/08/2023 12:59

I would’ve thought that the idea of going home was to see family & friends, but I suppose they have other stuff they want to do. My S used to go shopping … then pop in for 5 mins. I told her not to bother & we’d all just meet up for food. It didn’t bother me.

Filamumof9 · 06/08/2023 13:39

Being the one in my family that lives overseas, we do not travel often to my home country, partly due to expenses. However, if we travel to my home country, it is for us not only to see family, but also have a holiday for ourselves. The combination can be hard as it is, as there are many expectations. however, after having lived abroad for more than 10 years, I in general make an effort for those who also made an effort to visit us in that period.

People mean well with all invitations but do not realize that this is often your one own holiday. Most would not like to spend it with ongoing visits to everybody without some down time as well.

afishcalledbreanda · 06/08/2023 13:39

She's going to spend time with you when you both celebrate your mum's birthday and perhaps she feels that, and spending a couple of hours out for a meal with you, is enough. She comes home with you, she eats a slice of bought-in birthday cake, then what? Another couple of hours of sitting on the sofa and chitchat?

When I lived abroad for a few years and used to return for three weeks at a time I got bored of sitting in various friends and relatives' living rooms being asked the same questions time and time again. It never felt like a holiday to me. I used to long to have a few days off to travel round on my own, go to galleries and the theatre (which I missed badly) and please myself.

Changingplace · 06/08/2023 13:42

Yabu, did you even ask her before making all these plans?

You’re seeing them for a meal, it’s their holiday too, you should really check before assuming they can do things, she’s bound to be juggling lots of things/people they want to see/do.

IceCreamWithSprinkles · 06/08/2023 13:55

You sound very needy tbh. She’s already had a meal and evening eating cake for your mums birthday, they are obviously close together so why on earth wouldn’t you do something jointly with your mum for family, and then just celebrate yourselves on your own birthday?! Your sister rightly wants to enjoy her own holiday, and taking 2 days out to celebrate birthdays (especially when I’m assuming she has no family around for hers?!) is honestly ridiculous.
It would be much better asking her what she would like to do whilst she’s over, and see if there is something you and your kids go go and do with them, rather than expecting them to spend their time in endless “visits”.

Magneta · 06/08/2023 13:57

maybe ask her rather than telling her next time...?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 13:58

ObiKenobi · 06/08/2023 12:59

I would’ve thought that the idea of going home was to see family & friends, but I suppose they have other stuff they want to do. My S used to go shopping … then pop in for 5 mins. I told her not to bother & we’d all just meet up for food. It didn’t bother me.

The problem is that there are so many people who want to see you and it actually becomes really stressful trying to fit it all in while also feeling like you're having some kind of holiday at the same time.

My family used to live in Australia (my parents moved overseas) and honestly, going back rarely felt like a holiday. You used up huge amounts of annual leave only to spend hours sitting in people's living rooms having the same conversations over and over again. It also wasn't easy fitting in hundreds of visits while everyone was still working and going to school. You ended up very restricted and couldn't even do days "out" because you had to be back to see Auntie X at 5pm.

In the end we started leaving family early and having a few days elsewhere in Australia so it didn't just feel like one endless slog of visiting relatives with no actual time for us to relax and explore.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 06/08/2023 14:18

So you’re going out to dinner for your mom‘s birthday, then going back to her place for cake, then a few days (or however long) afterwards you’re going out for dinner for your birthday, and then… going back to your place for cake?

When the cast of characters is the same, the activity is the same and only the venue changes, you can see why your sister might be thinking “Do I need to be there for the full rerun?” I agree with @IceCreamWithSprinkles that it would have made more sense to have had a bigger joint celebration and kept things to one day.

JudgeRudy · 06/08/2023 14:28

You can be miffed yes but it was a bit presumptuous to think she was coming back to yours without asking. Unless it was a special birthday and you were having a bit of a party I would expect much more than the meal. It's her visit and I dare say she's trying to fit a lot in (including herxOHs family/friends) Presumably you'll also see her and cousins at your mums whilst shes over. Maybe you could have your niece/nephew overnight whilst she does something else.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:16

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 12:47

Did you ask her before making all these plans?

Of course, it was on her calendar weeks before they arrived!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:17

INeedAnotherName · 06/08/2023 12:48

Why didn't you ask if she was free before booking? This is on you, not her.

She had already put it on her calendar.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:19

OriginalBliss · 06/08/2023 12:51

I think expecting someone to work around two birthdays that take up a good chunk of the day on two different days during one holiday is a big ask, to be honest (from someone who was for years the person living overseas and trying to deal with a lot of expectations and overscheduling when I was 'home' for a week or two). It gets absolutely exhausting, and you are always dealing with family and friends' expectations of seeing people, and endless 'Well, you have to drop by Auntie X's -- she always asks after you...')

I mean, your sister's coming to your birthday meal, for heaven's sake. Does she really have to go back to your house as well afterwards? Why not have the birthday cake etc at the restaurant?

Fair enough but we went back to mum's house for cake after her Birthday lunch so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:19

WandaWonder · 06/08/2023 12:51

Why didn't you check before booking?

It was on her calendar weeks before they arrived!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:21

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 12:55

She's coming to the meal with you isn't she, be grateful for that, it's her holiday so she can do as she likes.
What do you do for her birthday BTW?

Fair enough but we went back to mum's for cake after lunch on her Birthday so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

OP posts:
EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 15:22

A few weeks is extremely short, especially when you count getting over jet lag and such.
Why do you think the exact same thing should be done for both your birthdays?
Fair enough your sister might want to go back to your mum's, might be the family home, but she has no time for yours.
YABU.

Dulra · 06/08/2023 15:23

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:21

Fair enough but we went back to mum's for cake after lunch on her Birthday so I thought we'd do the same for mine!

Show quote history

You're her sister not her mum you always make more of an effort for your mum 😃

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:25

Changingplace · 06/08/2023 13:42

Yabu, did you even ask her before making all these plans?

You’re seeing them for a meal, it’s their holiday too, you should really check before assuming they can do things, she’s bound to be juggling lots of things/people they want to see/do.

Yes it's was on her calendar for weeks before they came and I thought we'd do the same as for mum's Birthday.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/08/2023 15:25

Take the cake with you Confused

EpidermalLayer · 06/08/2023 15:27

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:25

Yes it's was on her calendar for weeks before they came and I thought we'd do the same as for mum's Birthday.

Show quote history

You've repeated this multiple times OP but you still don't get it.
The dinner was on the calendar.
The cake was not on the calendar - you just 'thought' you'd do the same but never actually asked her.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 15:27

Magneta · 06/08/2023 13:57

maybe ask her rather than telling her next time...?

Of course I asked her! She knew we were going out for lunch then I invited them back for cake the same as we did for mum!

OP posts:
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