They don't want to come to our house!

[Blueswirl]

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake!

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

I think this post nails the issue, OP. It's not that your sister doesn't want to celebrate your birthday, she's just thinking of the extra logistics which perhaps you've not thought of?

I think taking your cake to somewhere nice where you can have lunch, then sit for a bit, chat and eat cake would be a great compromise and you could still celebrate.

My Mum has always packed in so much for holidays when we were children, it made me do the opposite really because it was so exhausting and never felt like any sort of a break.

Wouldn't it be better to combine the two birthdays? I think I'd be annoyed at two separate things with the same people.

I like cake so I'm definitely coming back to yours! However this ìs your sister's family's holiday and it sounds as if they have a lot to fit in. Ask her if they would like to come another day for the cousins to play/eat leftover cake or maybe leave the kids at yours while the adults do something else. Have a lovely birthday and enjoy that you can share it with your mum and sister. Maybe invite some other friends to share your cake (it will be like 2 celebrationsinstead of 1)?

Are these two occasions the only time you will have a chance to see your sister during her visit OP?

It's 3-4 hours of 1 day.

And her birthday happens every year so she knows it'll happen.

I'm just glad I don't have family who feel 1 hour to share cake is a massive ask. 🤷‍♀️

You live abroad, so you should know yourself that it's exhausting to come back home and have to fit in seeing a million different people who all want an equal share of your time.

I live in UK now. But actually I love bed when I visited and people wanted to see me. Made me feel loved and valued. There's absolutely no way I'd have missed an extra hour for cake for someone's birthday.

It's not about it being a massive ask - on it's own, it's not.

It's about the logistics of going back to OP's house for cake when she probably has a million other things she needs to fit in while she's here. Instead of lunch at the restaurant, it may have been better to just have a family BBQ at OP's house, or to arrange a trip out somewhere for the day instead.

A day trip out would take up a damn sight more time than lunch out and cake. Why would that be a batter option?

BBQ would be similar timings but I'd hate to risk it in this weather - although it's a good idea.

I loved seeing all my family too and it was lovely to have so many people wanting some of my time - but it was also incredibly stressful to manage the logistics of seeing so many people in such a short space of time, especially when people are still working etc.

IMO it's not about the cake and the fact that it's "just an hour" - it's about (from the sisters viewpoint) her having to do even more travelling to spend time with her family while OP gets to go home after lunch, relax and stay there.

Because you get to spend the time chilling out and having fun rather than travelling to 2 different venues for no reason.

A day trip is a better option because logistically, it's much more straightforward.

Drive to place A in the morning. Stay there all day. Drive home.

That's much more straightforward than spending a morning waiting around, driving to place A (lunch), driving to place B (OP's house) and then getting back in the car and doing even more travelling to get back to your accommodation.

Yes, as a one off it's no big deal but it won't be a one-off. OP's sister will spending three weeks doing stuff like this - it's exhausting.

Thanks, that's a helpful reply! I'm quite surprised by a lot of the other replies actually! I will think twice before posting on here again!

As I said, she had blocked out the afternoon, so cake at ours was an idea to fill the time after lunch.
We will definitely visit when our kids are older.

Why not have lunch at yours with cake and time for the cousins to play. 3 birds 1 stone.

Ah, that's a shame - and for the cousins too. I -shock, horror- love spending time with my sis and the cousins are all good mates. If we lived abroad and came back for a visit, I'd prioritise my family (and DH's family) for sure.

Next time, invite them to yours for lunch AND cake. 9 people in a restaurant (incl kids) is a bit chaotic anyway.

I didn't presume, I invited! And she said no

"My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too"
"......so I thought we'd do the same for mine!"
"I told her the arrangements..."

It kinda sounds like you did presume otherwise why are you so put out?

Yes, we might see them a couple more times but we always celebrate both birthdays as the main get togethers. Maybe it's boring and we need to do something different! As I said it's mostly for our mum who likes meals out and tea and cake and I'm happy to do that for mine too, but something more fun for the kids might make a change.

Yeah we have done that before and will probably do it another year.

It's a pub with a garden and play area so should be perfect! I think we will take the cake with us now though! 😉

Agree and who is to say it would just be an hour?

With the way OP is upset about it, I’d wonder if she would be here complaining that they only stayed “just an hour” and that her children didn’t have long enough to play with their cousins.

As I said, she had blocked out the afternoon and her and mum left me to make arrangements. As a family we often have lunch out and then go back to someone's house, so it's not really unusual.

I think it also depends on how far away you live and how many people you get to see! Also how much of your holiday time it takes up.

I love spending time with people but can't do it for hours every day. A 15+ hours flight, a few days to recover for jet lag, there's not much time left at all.

And that's half my annual holiday allowance gone.

I used to go home every year but now I do it once every couple of years. As much as I value family/friends back home I do want to see more of the world. With social media and Facetime I'm caught up with most of what's going on in their lives anyway.

They are staying at mum's. It will be a pub with a beer garden and play area, should be ideal for all. Ours isn't far away and they expected me to make arrangements for the whole afternoon so it should have been ideal as we can't stay at the pub all afternoon.

It's a bit tricky if she always visits on our birthdays but never hers! She could come later in the summer but chooses to come for our Birthdays on purpose each year!

I'd be so happy that I get more cake to myself 🤣