Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to come to our house!

277 replies

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 12:45

My sister lives overseas and comes over for a few weeks in the summer. It's the highlight of mum's year and we arrange our holiday etc so we can see them. She packs in a lot in but prioritised mum's and my Birthdays, or so I thought! I booked a table for mum's and bought a big cake to have back at hers afterwards but when I told her the arrangements for mine she said they might not be free! DH booked a table for 9 and she only confirmed the day before and said they were too busy to come back to ours after for Birthday cake!

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

OP posts:
NoTouch · 06/08/2023 16:40

Two ways to look at it - glass half full - its great my sister is in the country and can be there for my birthday lunch , or glass half empty - my sister isn't coming back for cake.

You can indulge thoughts about being sidelined, making the effort for her mum but not you etc if you really want to, but at the end of the day you can't change it and it is your reaction, not your sisters action, that will determine how nice a day you have.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:40

Pipsquiggle · 06/08/2023 16:37

They are only here for a week or 2 and you are expecting them to do a repeat party (different birthdays but same people) which is too much.

Next time they are over or you to them, just do a massive party where everyone is invited and all birthdays celebrated.

Then a quality time day where you get to have a proper chat.

So a party day and a quality time day, anything more than that is a bonus

That's a good idea. Thanks!

OP posts:
Purrrrrdy · 06/08/2023 16:40

I'm a sister that visits from abroad once a year.
Some years I don't tell anyone I'm coming except by brother and dad.
Everyone, and I mean everyone- expects me to drive to them, after I've travelled thousands of miles, they can't drive to me or meet me in a pub.

Sometimes like a PP I'm fitting 2 or 3 visits in a day. Then some people want another visit and then another. 'Will we see you again before you go?' Putting the pressure on.

I have 7-10 days, use precious annual leave, spend money on somewhere to stay and a hire car. It's not a holiday for me at all and I wouldn't go at all if it wasn't for my Dad.

BungleandGeorge · 06/08/2023 16:40

Perhaps lunch and then going back to yours is just too much for her or someone in her family? You’re unreasonable to expect this of her really if you never go and visit her. She has to bring her children over every year but never gets a visit in return for her birthday or otherwise? If you want to spend time with her surely the answer is to visit her?!

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:42

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:14

AIBU to feel a bit miffed? My kids were looking forward to playing with their cousins too.

quite telling that your response is to be “miffed”. Rather than sad or remotely willing to try to think why.

Just a choice of words! I felt a bit upset but not enough to let it spoil the day!

OP posts:
Titfortat78 · 06/08/2023 16:42

Just take the cake with you. We always do the restaurant never say we can't. Just don't forget to take candles a knife and napkins.

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:42

Ah ok so your kids are disappointed but I will hedge a bet that her children are considerably older and she now has to factor their interests in to planning

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:43

huuskymam · 06/08/2023 16:14

Just do the cake at the restaurant while everyone is there. Is there a specific reason you want everyone back at yours for cake?

As I said, she had blocked out the afternoon, so as lunch is quick I invited them to ours for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:44

Trees6 · 06/08/2023 16:18

She’s probably got a lot to fit in especially if her partner has family and friends in the UK also. The lunch is the main thing. Have a lovely birthday!

Thank you!

OP posts:
Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:45

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:43

As I said, she had blocked out the afternoon, so as lunch is quick I invited them to ours for a bit.

Show quote history

And she declined no doubt because a short visit and now her children are older that they don’t fancy playing with their much younger cousins and have their own preferences

itsgettingweird · 06/08/2023 16:46

Only on MN can someone suggesting a birthday lunch out and then back to someone's house for cake makes someone hard work and needy.

You all sound extremely self centred and unsociable.

It's ok the OPs sister said no. But I can understand why the OP feels put out by that.

I lived abroad for many years and absolutely would make an effort to put aside an extra hour in a day to have cake with someone when I visited the UK - especially family - for a special occasion.

I saw it as part of the effort I needed to make for moving away so far and having ds abroad.

You've all made it sound like a boring chore to be endured and holiday ruining level rather than chilling with cake!

OP I'm sorry you feel hurt. But I'd take the cake to the restaurant. It'll extend the meal out anyway having it there and give you more time.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 06/08/2023 16:48

OP as PP said, mums birthday is always going to be a bit more significant.
OP. Lovely that you made all
these arrangements, but you need to give your sister a break- it’s really good that she comes to see you all every year with her children, despite a very long plane ride, and it’s understandable that she may not want or feel able to do all the things. Appreciate the things she can make, and accept the things she can’t. And maybe try to vary the birthday plans a bit, I agree with PP that it may have felt a bit samey when she’s got limited time on holiday.

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 16:49

@itsgettingweird again, it’s OP’s birthday being celebrated in every bloody visit! The sister is probably bored of it because no one else gets a look in.

OP refuses to answer what happens for her sister’s birthday.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:50

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:29

I am used to being sidelined so am probably sensitive about it!

and here comes the drip

No need to be unkind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:51

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:16

Out of interest

when was the last time you visited her?

Before we had the kids as its a long plane ride but we will do again when they are older.

OP posts:
FuppingEll · 06/08/2023 16:52

I think if you wanted an afternoon hanging out together then picking a restaurant where you eat and leave was the wrong venue. A pet farm or attraction or whatever you have locally where you can do something together, eat then play for a bit before everyone goes would have been a better shout. Restaurants and your house is more like everyone in the car, find parking, walk to restaurant, everyone back to car, go to your house, have cake, everyone back to the car, drive home. It just adds an extra layer of unneeded faff to the whole thing.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 16:54

Only on MN can someone suggesting a birthday lunch out and then back to someone's house for cake makes someone hard work and needy.

I think it's more that OP probably hasn't considered the logistics. She's planned a nice birthday lunch then wants to go back home - which is lovely, but what about the sister? She's not staying with OP so how far will she have to travel from OP's house afterwards?

You've all made it sound like a boring chore to be endured and holiday ruining level rather than chilling with cake

It's not that visiting family is a chore, it's that this isn't the only visit the sister will be doing. You live abroad, so you should know yourself that it's exhausting to come back home and have to fit in seeing a million different people who all want an equal share of your time.

Original poster
Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:55

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 16:36

You’re used to being sidelined but you won’t answer what you do for sister’s birthday?

Do you not think it’s unfair that it’s your birthday that gets celebrated every year in her holidays?

Show quote history

She only visits in the summer so she celebrates her birthday with friends and I give her a present when I see her.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 06/08/2023 16:55

This might sound odd but I hate going back to peoples houses for birthday cake!

The event I've been invited to is the restaurant, I've been to that and enjoyed it. I don't then want to go immediately to a second event with the same people, I've talked about everything I wanted to talk about at the restaurant and now there's not much else to say any everybody really just wants to home!

CherryMaDeara · 06/08/2023 16:57

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:55

She only visits in the summer so she celebrates her birthday with friends and I give her a present when I see her.

Show quote history

It’s not your fault but at the end of the day, it is still your birthday being celebrated every year.

Who pays so for the meal?

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:58

Blueswirl · 06/08/2023 16:50

No need to be unkind.

Show quote history

Am I wrong?

MRex · 06/08/2023 16:59

I don't really get the whole excitement about adult birthdays, and as someone who visits family can assure you that sitting round living rooms while they all talk about people they know and you don't... well, it's not a highlight. Getting family out works better for them chatting about other topics.

How old are her kids? It might be better to go to an attraction that suits all the cousins, with some slices of cake for snack. Just mixes it all up a bit. Could be the zoo, a soft play, an adventure farm, beach playground, whatever might suit. Check in with your sister, that might work better. You can do an extra lunch with mum the next week when your sister has gone home.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/08/2023 17:00

Floppyear · 06/08/2023 16:58

Am I wrong?

Show quote history

You're posting a lot on this thread. Some might think that you are being unnecessarily unkind.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/08/2023 17:00

Will she have a long journey back to her accommodation from your house OP? Could you suggest you move to a pub near the restaurant with a nice beer garden instead - just to save her from doing even more travelling about?

Vallmo47 · 06/08/2023 17:02

Having read the replies I know I’m not the first to see this from the other point of view but … I live overseas and all the running around is always on me , I need to go home and visit for their birthdays, I need to go home for special occasions, I need to visit everyone where they live back home (which sometimes means a long flight, a train AND a coach!), no one ever thinks of all the running around I have to do.
Then my kids leave school, all of our birthdays, christmases and even my wedding … well. My brother can’t be expected to travel here for my wedding day but I’m told off for missing my nephew’s graduation day.
None of the above is your problem/fault OP but trust me that it is not easy being the person who has left either and who has so many people expecting a visit during a so called holiday. It’s not a holiday - it’s time at “home” being told off for having left in the first place.

Sounds like your sister is trying her best!